Go Ask Alex: I'm 65, gay, and married to a woman. Is it too late for love?

Hi Alexander,

This is hard, partly because I feel like a fool, and definitely a frightened guy.

I had several "boyfriends" (not love) at boarding school, then went full hetero and married a girl when I was 29. I'm 65 now, and after a stormy coming-out eight years ago, which didn't result in my expulsion from our marriage, I went onto the apps two years ago. I've now seen and learned a lot, with a lot of men, of a wide age group.

I thought I would be able to keep doing this without upsetting the home scene. But my relationship with my wife, with whom I've not had sex for a couple of decades, is getting very tetchy, and it's me who it’s coming from.

I don't know what to do. Am I too old to start over? I can only see financial disaster for me and massive hurt for both of us. We have never, despite talking many times about sex, resolved anything.

Now, far from being too old, I am in demand! As a top, it seems. I'm pretty fit. But it's not just sex; I want a trusting, loving relationship. In a previous column, you say everyone deserves one. Do I?

I could go on; there's lots to say. These are the bare bones. I am sure there are many men out there in the same boat. I've met a few of them!

Yours,

P.

Hey P.,

This is a mess. Yes, you can and should have a trusting, loving relationship — with, I assume you mean, another man — but first, you must end the trusting, loving relationship you’re in.

If things with your wife were tranquil — if you two had some special agreement that let you both pursue all the sex and intimacy you both need and deserve with others, regardless of the gender(s) of those others, and had agreed, however tacitly, to look the other way, say nothing, and keep the peace — then there’d be no need to do anything. You’d be fine. You’d be free to pursue a relationship with a man, though you might not be free to bring him home to your wife, or bring him on holidays with your kids, or take him to the lake house your family likes to visit in the summer, or whatever. But if, after all this time, you two had an agreement to not share details and just let each other be, that would be acceptable parameters for many men in your situation; indeed, it would be very generous on her part. You’d still have a happy, relatively stable life with her that’s built on a kind of trust — an agreement, however quiet, to not divorce and to give each other permissions to keep that from happening.

That’d be great. And something like that kind of setup is, I expect, what many men in your situation hope for. I imagine that’s the kind of setup many hetero couples have when one of them comes out later in life as gay and they decide, for various reasons, not to split up.

But that does not sound like the kind of relationship you’re in. Yours sounds a lot less idyllic and a lot more stressful — because I suspect you’re not telling her anything. I suspect you’re sneaking around behind her back and lying to her by omission.

By your own admittance, you are the one making things “tetchy” — you are the one who is unhappy, unsettled, unfulfilled. I also suspect you’re the one doing the lion’s share of sneaking and cheating.

Your wife sounds like a real trooper. You came out! That’s big, and I’m proud of you for that, but most women would justifiably leave you after that — they’d have every reason to. If she knows you’re gay — if you really told her — then she sounds like a person who is devoted and committed to this marriage, maybe even to her detriment; she’s sticking with a relationship that cannot be satisfying for her.

She stuck by you. Sure, she might not be interested in talking much about it or resolving anything, but simply by still being with you, she’s trying to keep the peace. And what are you doing? I assume you’re meeting these guys online (and on app) without her awareness. If so, you’re being a bad husband, a bad partner and, most sadly, a bad friend to her.

If you’re meeting all these guys without her knowledge, you’re abusing her loyalty and trust after all these years she’s stood by you, even after learning your truth. I don’t know if I can help with that. That’s an ethics thing, a soul thing, a virtue thing. You need to sit with that a bit.

When two people are in a mutually dissatisfying marriage, then no matter how much love, devotion, or mingled finances are on the table, they should split — even when they have children, even when they have shared business or a shared house or some other interwoven element of their lives. Unweave it. Hire a lawyer. Be kind. Do it as amicably as possible.

I know this is a hard and unyielding mandate, but I don’t think anything is worth prolonging a failed and unhappy marriage, not least of all because it prevents you and her from something wonderful and life-affirming: Staying prevents both of you from finding someone better.

My hope, in the end, is that you can stay friends with her, stay amicable — she deserves that. But you need to get a divorce. You’re not too late to start over. And, really, I think you know that. You see these guys wanting you, and you want them back. You can taste the wider gay world waiting for you at your fingertips, so why do you need this push, this dressing-down from a silly advice writer, to make you do it?

You know you need to leave and you’re terrified of what’s to come. And sadly there’s no easy way to get through it. But divorce is the right course. You know you need to go ahead and get through all the pain and suffering of this next and final chapter of your marriage, because you owe her and yourself the chance to find real happiness. She’s stuck by you this long; the kindest thing you can do now is let her go. It’s not too late for either of you. Sometimes the greatest act of love is leaving.

Hey there! I’m Alexander Cheves. I’m a sex writer and former sex worker—I worked in the business for over 12 years. You can read my sex-and-culture column Last Call in Out and my book My Love Is a Beast: Confessions, from Unbound Edition Press. But be warned: Kirkus Reviews says the book is "not for squeamish readers.”

In the past, I directed (ahem) adult videos and sold adult products. I have spoken about subjects like cruising, sexual health, and HIV at the International AIDS Conference, SXSW, the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai, and elsewhere, and appeared on dozens of podcasts.

Here, I’m offering sex and relationship advice to Out’s readers. Send your question to askbeastly@gmail.com — it may get answered in a future post.