I watched the Kid Rock Turning Point USA halftime show so you don't have to

I have a confession to make: I’m a fan of Hollywood Undead. I like some Limp Bizkit songs. I think Eminem and Mac Miller are among the greatest rappers of all time. But even I am not white enough for Kid Rock.

Just to be clear, I didn't watch Turning Point USA's halftime show instead of Bad Bunny's. I couldn't have — with a nearly 40-minute runtime, I would've missed the only touchdowns in the Super Bowl if I had waited for Kid Rock to come on, and neither team scored one of those until the fourth quarter.

I also wouldn't really call it a "show." This wasn't a spectacle with choreography, dancers, or even a set (standing in front of LED screens doesn't count). It felt more like a concert that was filmed, but I guess "Turning Point USA’s 'All-American' Super Bowl halftime concert with cameras" doesn't have as much of a ring to it.

Related: Turning Point USA's halftime lineup: All the musicians taking the stage

The first seconds of this concert tell you everything you need to know about its quality. The announcer is shown on camera — shot dead center from the chest up — before leaving viewers in silence for several seconds as a guitarist turns on his amp. He plays the national anthem, eventually joined by two others who simply ... walk onstage. Even the pyrotechnics in the background shoot off like a weak ejaculation.

Brantley Gilbert performs first. I hadn't heard of him before this, but he made a comment when he was announced for the TPUSA show about how "it’s been more than 20 years since a country artist has been asked to play the Super Bowl halftime show." Now that I've heard his music, I can see why.

Gabby Barrett is next, and this is when I start to notice a trend. We're about four songs in, and they've gone: upbeat, slow, upbeat, slow. The camera seems to be doing the same thing: up close, wide, up close, wide. Even these smallest details reveal that the people behind this show don't know how to create art, but are rather going through the motions of what they think a halftime show should have.

Barrett herself has no charisma or stage presence. The shot of her staring directly into the camera reads as if she's forcing herself to make eye contact during a job interview. There's nothing about her that says "star" — more fictional singer created to be the rival of an actual star in a Disney Channel original movie.

Lee Brice comes on and does a song about belonging to the "drinking class," and with the way he's slurring his words, I believe him. He manages to bring the energy up only to immediately kill it with his next song, where he sings about wishing the world was simpler, opening with "I just want to drive my truck and drink my beer." It feels less like a real country song and more like a parody of a country song. They really are all like that.

While that line made me audibly laugh, it's also now that I start to feel more annoyed than amused. You're going to play a song about wishing the world wasn't so divided during your alternate Super Bowl halftime show?

It's nearly 30 minutes in that we finally get Kid Rock. It takes less than 30 seconds to see that he's lip syncing, and that's not my opinion — you can very clearly hear the vocals play while he's holding the microphone at his side, not moving his lips. Personally, I have no problem with lip syncing, but you'd think the side that hates drag queens so much would have a little more shame about it. Kid Rock is no drag queen, but he does seem to know some of their tricks — like turning away from the audience when he doesn't know the words.

The best part of Kid Rock's performance is when he exits the stage for several minutes to do a costume change (werk queen), leaving a cellist and violinist to play an interlude. I have nothing negative to say about them. They were lovely. Probably because they weren't speaking.

Related: Super Bowl: Bad Bunny puts on a queer-inclusive show with Lady Gaga & Ricky Martin

So, let's summarize the TPUSA halftime show: Conservatives were upset last year when Kendrick Lamar, a Black man, was chosen to perform, and they were upset this year when Bad Bunny, a Puerto Rican man, was chosen. The TPUSA show was pitched as an "All-American" alternative to those two (nevermind the fact that Puerto Rico is part of the U.S.). Then, the TPUSA show featured artists who rap and use heavy metal guitars.

I'm willing to cut MAGA a deal. You can have next year's halftime show, and you can have it all-white. But that means you're not allowed to use any music created by a person of color — no rock and roll, no hip hop, and no country. In case I need to spell it out further for you, that would mean no Kid Rock.

I'm honestly not sure what else that leaves you, but as we saw last night, you won't be able to make your own art.

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