American Idol alum David Archuleta revealed more details about his struggle with his sexuality in his new memoir, Devout: Losing My Faith to Find Myself, out February 17. In an excerpt of the book published to People, the "My Little Prayer" singer wrote about how his Mormon faith kept him from accepting his sexuality, so much so that he was nearly driven to suicide.
"I was almost willing to give my life up because I was so devoted to what I believed," the singer told the magazine. "I had to learn how to not be ashamed. I always felt like I had to hide before, I’m just grateful to be alive and to see what I can do with my life while I’m here. It really feels like starting again.”
In the excerpt published on Thursday morning, Archuleta wrote about how he felt alone about "95 percent of the time" and he prayed more than he ate or slept. "I was numb to any emotion, any connection. I kept thinking, God’s not there. I thought He abandoned me because He was so disgusted with me," the excerpt read. "The logic flowed that if God left me with these homosexual feelings, I supposed He didn’t want me to exist. I contemplated whether it would be better to admit to myself that I was gay or end my life. It was a constant internal war."
Archuleta continued, "My mind buzzed with questions. What would be the most efficient way to do it? The safest way? What would cause the least anguish for my family? I started going on short drives, scouting locations, looking for a place I could crash my car at a high speed without hurting anyone else. I found a place in my neighborhood with a long stretch into some trees, a big exposed wall on the I-65 Freeway heading toward downtown Nashville, the Natchez Trace Parkway Bridge about 30 minutes south, which I definitely would not survive driving off because of how high it was."
The 2023 Out100 honoree wrote about the contemplation and said the thing that held him back wasn't the fear of dying, but the fear of not dying: "If I survived but broke my back, I might be paralyzed, and then it’d be impossible to try again. I’d have to exist with my thoughts for decades without being able to do anything about them."
"No matter what I did in this life, I would never be able to make up for being bisexual, gay, or whatever I was. I’d tried everything to change that, and nothing worked. I went on a mission and was an obedient servant. I’d confessed, felt shame, and repented. I’d been engaged three times. I tried therapy, and that got me nowhere," the excerpt continued.
Archuleta wrote that after his third engagement, he had a revelation and asked God to take his same-sex attraction away from him. Then, he heard a divine voice speak to him in his head and say, "David, you need to stop asking me this. You’ve been asking me this for over half of your life, since you were 12. I’m not going to change anything. I don’t see you how you see you. It’s time for you to understand that." After this revelation, he wrote that the "dam of confusion and mixed messages — from the church, from its leaders, from therapists, from my own self — crashed down as the voice of God flooded my head."
The excerpt ends with him writing, "I had spent a lifetime letting others interpret who God was for me and what He wanted for my life, but there adrift in the silence I had finally heard the message He had for me all along. God was telling me that I was wrong to think that being gay was a mistake. I’d been thinking that it would be better to end my life than to live as a gay man. But now God was giving me permission — encouragement! — to start dating men, something I never thought would be OK."
If you or someone you know needs mental health resources and support, please call, text, or chat with the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline or visit 988lifeline.org for 24/7 access to free and confidential services. Trans Lifeline, designed for transgender or gender-nonconforming people, can be reached at (877) 565-8860. The lifeline also provides resources to help with other crises, such as domestic violence situations. The Trevor Project Lifeline, for LGBTQ+ youth (ages 24 and younger), can be reached at (866) 488-7386. Users can also access chat services at TheTrevorProject.org/Help or text START to 678678.
