Queer sexual terminology is ever-evolving, and sometimes it can feel like the ground underneath you shifts every time you think you get a handle on it. Tops and bottoms you probably have down pat, but add in sides, versatiles, service tops and power bottoms and things can get confusing fast.
The general public may think that being a bottom means you are also submissive in the bedroom, but gay men know that not everyone fits neatly into a box. Instead of attempting to flatten the experience to make gay sex more palatable or easily understood by straight people, embrace the complexity.
Which is why if you’re a bottom who wants to explore a more dominant role in bed, you absolutely should. Power bottoms flip the heteronormative script that says the person doing the penetrating is aggressive and dominant, and the receptive partner is meek and submissive.
Whether you’re an experienced power bottom who wants some new tips or a newbie who needs a clear definition and a step-by-step guide, we’ve got you covered.
What is a power bottom? What is a power bottom?
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A power bottom bucks stereotypes by being a receptive partner during anal sex who actively directs the experience. “They may control the pace, depth, positioning, or overall energy of the encounter,” says Chris Bustamante, DNP, NP-C, and founder of Lushful Aesthetics. “Being the receptive partner doesn't necessarily mean being passive. A power bottom can be highly assertive, confident, and intentional about their pleasure and their partner's experience.”
Renowned Anal Surgeon Dr. Evan Goldstein, who founded Bespoke Surgical to help gay men have healthier, less painful anal sex, says that a power bottom usually communicates exactly what they want, often initiates sex, and guides the pace, but he cautions against being too rigid in the definition. “There’s no specific performance or personality you need to have to qualify,” he says.
“The biggest misconception is that the person receiving penetration is simply along for the ride,” Goldstein tells Out. “Bottoming can be very active, and receiving pleasure doesn’t mean you have less say in what happens.”
Alex Hall, creator of The Bottom’s Digest, says that power bottoms “are in charge the second their pants get unzipped,” but also believes in a more expansive definition of the sexual role.
To him, a power bottom “centers their pleasure and respects their own boundaries” and is in tune with “their bowel regularity and trigger foods, their fiber game is iconic, their communication skills are unmatched, and they are flexible in the bedroom.”
“A power bottom’s role in the bedroom is to be the dom,” he says. “They aren’t necessarily bossy, but they are the captain of the bedroom. Mr. Top is ready to stick it in? Only if the power bottom is allowing it! Mr. Top may even have to earn it. I love this approach because sometimes it takes a little longer for the bottom’s anal sphincters to truly open up for bottoming. There is no better way to ease into things than by being fully in control.”
How is it different from topping from the bottom?
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Being a power bottom and “topping from the bottom” are not interchangeable, but there is a fair amount of overlap, mostly having to do with the difference between directing the action and being dominant in the bedroom.
“A power bottom generally describes someone who takes an active, confident approach to receiving penetration, while ‘topping from the bottom’ typically refers to directing or controlling the sexual interaction despite being in the receptive position,” Bustamante says.
Hall says you lose a lot when you oversimplify the roles too much. “A lot of people assume ‘power bottom’ just means a bottom who rides in cowgirl/reverse cowgirl really hard,” he explains. “That’s like calling Beyoncé ‘a lady from Texas who sings real good.’”
In reality, there is a fairly big difference between a power bottom and a partner who tops from the bottom. “Topping from the bottom steers what the top does, while a power bottom owns the whole dynamic,” Hall says. “For instance, if they are ‘topping from the bottom,' they may tease the top with shallow penetration over and over again, making the top beg for that ass. A power bottom loves to flip the script and see a top be submissive.”
Why are power bottoms misunderstood?
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Power bottoms challenge the dominant narrative that sexual position equates to personality or power dynamics and that a bottom has to be submissive. “Sexual roles and power dynamics are separate, and both partners should have an equal voice in what happens,” Bustamante says.
People have a tendency to attach preconceived notions to sexual roles, which leads to power bottoms being misunderstood or judged. According to Goldstein, everyone needs to throw these outdated ideas out the window and embrace the fact that bottoms aren’t all passive and submissive and that power bottoms are just horny men who want sex all of the time. “You can be confident and assertive while wanting a slow, gentle experience,” he says. “The label doesn’t tell you someone’s limits.”
Hall also advocates for more people to take on the role of power bottom because it would lead to more interesting and communicative sex.
“There is nothing wrong with being a power bottom! In fact, I wish more people who bottom would be power bottoms so that they realize a lot of that power is simply communication,” he says. “We could all use a lot more communication in the bedroom, even if it’s asking our top partner if they like to be verbally teased while they beg to eat our ass.”
How can you get started?
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If you’re interested in becoming a power bottom, Goldstein recommends figuring out what appeals to you about it before you jump right into the role with a partner. Does the idea make you hot because you’re craving a more active role in the bedroom, or maybe you want to initiate more often, or you want to get more confident about asking your partner for what you want in bed.
“Identifying that can help you explain what you want to explore without expecting your partner to interpret a label,” he says.
Once you’ve decided you really want to try it, then it’s time to open your mouth and communicate with the person you plan on hooking up with. “You don’t need to reinvent your sex life overnight,” Goldstein says. “Start by expressing a preference or suggesting a change, and see how that feels. If you’re new to anal play altogether, give yourself time to explore gradually, use lubricant, and stop if anything hurts. There’s no deadline or physical milestone you need to reach.”
Being a power bottom is all about playing with power dynamics and has nothing to do with how masculine or feminine so leave those antiquated ideas in your rearview mirror. "You’re not dictating a country here. You’re making a top bend to your will, consensually. So start by communicating every single time.”
Since communication is key to this dynamic — and really sex in general — start by talking to your hookup so that you make sure you’re well matched (you don’t want to accidentally sleep with a power top when you’re dipping your toe into being a power bottom) and if you’re in a long-term relationship, talk to your partner about making a change.
“You may be surprised to find out they have been craving a chance to be a little more submissive and didn’t know how to ask,” Halls says. “But you brought it up first, and that, babe, is the beginning of a power dynamic."
But don’t let your newfound power go to your head. What’s that saying? With great power bottoming comes great responsibility. Yeah, that’s it. "You’re not dictating a country here. You’re making a top bend to your will, consensually. So start by communicating every single time," Hall says.
“A new power bottom might get a little power-hungry and start puffing up their chest in the bedroom,” he warns. “Whether it’s a casual hookup or a partner of 20 years, it’s so important that you talk to people about their boundaries before you get naked. Some people may be totally down for rough sex, maybe even slapping, but draw the line at gentle choking. If you want to be a power bottom, it’s up to you to find out what those boundaries are by talking. “
11 tips to becoming a better, sexier power bottom
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1. Understand your pelvic floor
“The pelvic floor muscles play an important role in receptive anal sex,” Bustamante says. “Learning how to consciously relax these muscles, rather than constantly contracting or bearing down, can make penetration more comfortable.”
2. Get really good at bottoming first
“One needs to be able to not only bottom, but bottom really fucking well,” Goldstein says. “Do you know which pelvic floor/anal musculature you have? Do you use dilation protocols to warm up and/or lead into sessions? Can your hole take what we are asking of it? It's practice makes perfect; first-hand knowledge of its potential powering situations is key to its success.”
3. Know your positions and know them well
“What works best to start for you? What's the play-by-play here to set the stage for the success of this session and/or sessions? We provide a one-to-three peach rating system (easiest to hardest) in my book, Butt Seriously,” Goldstein says. “These differing positions help guide people when getting further into bottoming.”
4. Dilate first
“As a self-identified power bottom, I take my anal dilation exercises very seriously to make sure I’m always comfortable during sex,” Hall says. “You want to get rough in the bedroom? You need to open and stretch those anal sphincters in a healthy manner so you can bounce back and keep being the hungry power bottom that you are. Pushing through pain is amateur and frankly disrespectful of your body. A power bottom would never.”
5. Lube, lube, and even more lube
“Some are blessed to be spit-ready and I still think it's not the best play,” Goldstein says. “But the majority of assholes I see need not only the best lubes, but to re-apply liberally. There is no shame in setting that appropriate stage. Be one with your hole and remember friction leads to anal issues - from swollen, dilated veins (hemorrhoids) to anal tearing (fissures) to anal gland issues.”
6. Don’t be afraid to change things up
“Even the most experienced of power bottoms are going to have days when their anus is a little too tight to be throwing their ass back. Pivot! You can still be a power bottom during foreplay,” Hall says. “One of my favorite things to do with my husband while giving him a blow job is to stop, blow air on his penis, and look him dead in the eye while telling him, 'I’m not going to continue until I believe how badly you want me to.' Have you ever told your partner they can’t rim you until they have bitten every square inch of your ass? Get creative. You’re the one in power!”
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7. Practice dirty talk
“Some people can feel very awkward about dirty talk in the bedroom,” Hall says. “If that’s you, the next time you play with yourself, practice saying what you want out loud. Bonus points if you can do it in front of a mirror so you can practice eye contact, too. It might feel a little corny at first, but I strongly believe that if you can do something well by yourself, you’ll be way more comfortable doing it in front of someone else.”
8. Make pleasure mutual
“A confident power bottom pays attention to both their own pleasure and their partner's responses,” Bustamante says. “The best experiences involve communication, enthusiasm, and the ability to adjust when something isn't working.”
9. It’s sex, not a challenge
“Avoid treating the label like a challenge to prove how much intensity, size, or duration you can handle,” Goldstein says. “You don’t owe anyone a particular performance, and you shouldn’t push through pain to maintain an image. Stop if sex hurts.”
10. Have a post-coitus chat
“So y’all came! Amazing,” Halls says. “Communication doesn’t stop after the orgasms. Now it’s time to debrief. No matter the type of partner you were just with, the only way forward is feedback. I personally love to do this over some food and drinks. Ask what worked, what didn’t work, what could be better next time. Maybe your submissive top had a harder time letting go of control than they expected. Talking is an incredible way for dumping lingering shame and growing. Now that’s powerful stuff.”
11. Prioritize anal health
“Persistent tightness, fissures, hemorrhoids, and irritation can interfere with comfort,” Bustamante says. “Addressing these concerns before engaging in penetrative sex is important. In select patients with clinically significant anal sphincter spasm or chronic fissures, treatments such as botulinum toxin injections may be considered following a medical evaluation.”
