Anal aftercare 101: Expert tips on taking care of your partner after bottoming

What is anal aftercare?

In its simplest form, anal aftercare is a term to describe the way you care for your partner after anal sex, especially for the receptive partner. “It’s about what everyone’s mind and body may prefer or need after a round of anal,” says Todd Baratz, an AASECT-certified sex therapist at #LUBELIFE. “It’s really no different from sex aftercare — or any kind of care— it just happens to describe the period specifically after anal sex.”

Just like the kind of aftercare that kinksters have made a required part of BDSM sex, anal aftercare is about looking after your partner’s emotional wellbeing and the impact of any kind of anal play, like “toy play, anal intercourse, digital penetration, fisting, enema play and so on,” Queen says.

“Not all anal play necessarily fits into the kink category, though certainly some does, and there are plenty of people who would view all anal as kinky,” Queen says. “But any anal play comes with taboos that might still be felt by either partner; and additionally, anal, like some forms of BDSM, can result in pain or damage if it isn't done properly and with care. Even when you've had a perfect anal experience, there still might be a history of painful or even abusive or coercive anal behavior, which means emotion and reaction can run high with this kind of sex.”

Why is aftercare important after anal sex?

Whether you’ve just hooked up for the first time and don’t plan a repeat or you’ve topped a long-term partner, you should still be thinking about anal aftercare and how you can make the experience better for the person you’re sleeping with. Not only will this show your partner that you care about what happens to their body and emotions post sex, but “thinking about your partner's experience and well-being is how you get better at having sex,” Queen says.

“Another function of aftercare is to express caring,” she says. “Even if it's a one-time sexual experience, a person can feel more valued and respected, and is less likely to feel used, with aftercare, where their partner (temporary or long-term) is supportive of them and helps them deal with any aftermath of the experience. It can be equally meaningful for the top, relationally speaking.”

And if you’re not prepared to do that, Queen suggests sticking to solo play and buying a sex doll instead. “Because they're a human being who is due respect and care; they're only a fuckpuppet if you negotiate it,” she says. “A person who doesn't feel the ability to take their partner's experience into account might want to invest in a nice sex doll.”

Baratz agrees and says that taking care of your partner after you’ve penetrated their body during anal sex should be a given. “We could ask, ‘Why is care important?’ and the answer would seem obvious, but for some reason people approach sex as a separate category,” he says. “Sex, cuddling, cooking, walking around together — all of these can be thought about similarly in terms of the care we want to show ourselves and our partners. Sex in particular can be a vulnerable experience physically, emotionally, and relationally, so we need to be intentional about the care we show ourselves and our partners afterward.”

What should you do before you even start having anal sex?

Before you ever get to the aftercare, there are plenty of things you can do to reduce the physical impact of anal sex and bottoming. Unlike some other forms of sex, anal play can cause pain, discomfort, or even damage, but luckily there is plenty you can do to help prevent this so that your aftercare can be more focused on emotional and physical comfort than dealing with a newly formed anal fissure or other tissue damage.

If you want to reduce any pain and discomfort during or post-anal sex, you’ll need to prep your body first. “Make sure that as a receptive partner you’re paying attention to pain and not trying to push through it,” Baratz says. “Make sure you’re relaxed before receiving penetration. Sometimes it can be helpful to use plugs, dilators, or dildos (also with a lot of lube) before starting to have anal sex. Stop whenever you need to and take breaks. If you’re paying attention to all of this during sex, you’re much more likely to feel good afterward.”

And you can never have enough lube, according to Baratz, who says,
“If you’re worried about making a mess, put down a towel, a tarp, whatever you need, but nothing should limit the amount of lube you use. It’s for both safety and pleasure.”

Leading anal surgeon Dr. Evan Goldstein, who owns Bespoke Surgical and now has his own line of anal sex prep products available at CVS, says that not over-douching, stretching your body slowly with a dilator set when you’re on your own, and focusing on foreplay and pre-dilation with your partner during sex will all help you avoid injury. “All it takes is one mishap to potentially lead you down the road toward a chronic anal issue,” he says. “Bottoming is a sport, and practice makes perfect. I always say you can be submissive and still be in control. That control comes from the preparatory routines above.”

You also don’t want to overdo it when it comes to the number of times you bottom back to back. “My partner, also a sexologist, and I were once talking to his anal doc and he told us almost all the rectal tears they saw at the hospital nearest the Castro were people who tried to play all weekend,” Queen warns. “Overdoing it with anal can not only cause pain, it can cause life-threatening injury.”

10 anal aftercare tips

Anal aftercare is going to look different depending on the person you slept with and what their needs are post hook-up, but the experts have some tried and true tips to help you take care of your partner’s emotional and physical wellbeing after any kind of anal play.

1. Talk about aftercare beforehand

According to Baratz, the best time to have a conversation about what you want aftercare to look like should start before you have sex so that you can “talk about sexual preferences, including your wishes for aftercare. Discuss what that includes or could include.”

2. Pillow talk

When you both are coming down from an intense sexual experience, take the time to talk openly with your partner. “What I often try educating my clients about is aftercare isn't just physical – my happiest and healthiest patients also check in mentally, not only with themselves, but also their partners,” Goldstein says. “Something as simple as asking how they're feeling, what worked, what didn’t, etc. This tells them you're paying attention, and it also gives soreness a chance to get addressed early so that you can set yourself up for success next time.”

Baratz agrees and says you should consider this time to do a sexual recap. Sexual recap and ask your partner, “What felt good? What did you like? What would you want to try next time?”

3. Cuddle time

Physical touch can be incredibly helpful for everyone’s emotional well-being after anal sex, but especially for whoever bottomed. “Stay in contact with your partner physically—hold them or touch them—as they ‘come down’ from the experience,” Queen says.

And don’t rush the process, try to stay present with your partner “Physically, staying close also helps — cuddling, a warm shower together, just quiet time before jumping back into the rest of the day,” Goldstein says. “The nervous system needs time to come down off that level of tension, and having a partner who isn't rushing that process makes a real difference.”

4. How does your body feel?

Don’t forget to advocate for yourself. It may make you feel vulnerable, but it’s important to tell your partner what you need from them. “Pay attention to your body and what you need, while also asking your partner if they need anything. And share if there’s something you want or need,” Baratz says.

5. Ask what they need

After anal sex, your partner will need to hydrate, maybe have a snack, or take a warm Epsom salt bath. This is something you can discuss ahead of time and then get it prepared so that they don’t have to think about it. “Ask them what they need: water, a bit of food, a warm washcloth, bath or shower,” Queen says. “Get or prepare that for them.”

6. Keep an eye on bleeding

After anal sex, you’re going to want to monitor any bleeding that occurs, especially for more intense acts like anal fisting. ”Make sure any bleeding is minor or temporary,” Queen says. “That means it isn't copious and continuing to bleed, but stops shortly after play. If blood continues to drip and doesn't stop, accompany them to urgent care or the ER.”

7. Help clean up

While your partner is resting, it’s a good time to take care of any mess that the two of you made. “If you were playing with toys, gather them up and get them ready to clean,” Queen says.

8. Don’t leave right away

Even if this is a one-night stand or a quick hookup, don’t sneak out. Stick around to provide aftercare and don’t ditch them until they’re feeling emotionally stable. “Don’t leave before they're ready to be left alone — that is, if you don't live with them or have plans to stay,” Queen says.

9. Take constructive criticism

When you’re having your post anal sex check in, take what you partner says to heart and incorporate it next time so you can really rock their world. “Some partners will welcome a chance to share feedback about the play itself; this can help you learn more about your partner and about how to give better anal pleasure,” Queen says.

10. Check in later

Anal aftercare doesn’t end when you say goodbye. Touch base a couple days later to make sure they aren’t having any lingering pain or need anything from you emotionally. “A day or so later, call or meet to check in and see how they're doing,” Queen says.

What kind of anal aftercare should you do for yourself?

If you slept with a selfish partner who didn’t stick around after their orgasm — we’ve all been there — or you just like to provide yourself a little self-care, there are things you can do to take care of your own bottom after bottoming.

Right after, skip the scented wipes and instead use a gentle external wash to help remove lube so you don’t irritate already-sensitive tissue, and don’t feel like you have to douche. “If there's soreness or swelling, a nice, warm Epsom salt bath does a lot of work relaxing the pelvic floor and the skin,” Goldstein says. “A lightweight, quick-drying cream or a calming suppository can help too, and ibuprofen is fine for inflammation. I'd steer people away from numbing agents like lidocaine — they mask the problem instead of helping it, and they can also inflame the tissue further.”

Over the course of the next few days, you’ll want to support your body’s natural ability to heal by staying hydrated and taking a daily fiber supplement and synbiotic to keep your stool soft so you don’t strain, since “straining is one of the most common things that turns mild soreness into something worse like a fissure or a hemorrhoid,” Goldstein says.

“Breathe normally during bowel movements instead of holding your breath,” he recommends. “And give the area a break — that means holding off on more sex until soreness has fully resolved. If sessions were longer or more intense, that recovery window should stretch out too. Watch for warning signs — worsening pain, swelling, discharge, bleeding beyond light spotting, fever — that's when I recommend booking an appointment to see your doctor."