Olivia Colman and Alexander Skarsgård’s new movie Wicker came out of nowhere and immediately got people talking because of the very odd — and very horny — plot.
The premise is fairly straightforward: a lonely woman commissions a basket weaver to make her a husband out of wicker. And then she fucks him.
When you hear about someone ending up in the emergency room because they got a wine bottle stuck in their colon, you probably scratch your head and wonder why. But if the object you were trying to take in your hole was a sentient picnic basket that looks and sounds like Alexander Skarsgård, you might say, “sign me up!”
The relationship in Wicker may be straight (through an ecosexual lens), but it brings up an important question. Could you bottom for a man with a wicker… well, everything?
To get to the bottom of this age-old question, Out talked to the country’s leading bottoming experts, renowned Anal Surgeon Dr. Evan Goldstein and Alex Hall, creator of The Bottom’s Digest.
Could you bottom for a wicker man?
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When Colman, as the Fisherwoman, has sex with her Wicker Husband, she orgasms almost as soon as he enters her, which might make you curious to try it. But according to Goldstein, who has built his practice around bottoming health, this kind of thinking is a mistake.
“In theory, the anus is very adaptable. With enough patience, dilation, and lube, the pelvic floor can learn to accommodate quite a lot,” he tells Out. “But I've also spent the past 15-plus years repairing damage from things people swore were ‘body-safe,’ and a wicker penis has never once made that list (for obvious reasons).”
The material also gives Goldstein pause. Wicker is woven willow, reed, or bamboo used to make things like furniture and baskets. Basically, it’s wood — and not the kind you want in the bedroom.
“It's rigid, full of splinters, and has zero give. Your anal tissue is built to stretch, but not accommodate a sofa,” Goldstein says. “And then there's the lube question. Water-based soaks into the reeds and makes them swell, silicone gets trapped in the weave and never comes out, and oil-based is flammable (hello, Burning Man). So, is it possible? Technically, sure. But do I recommend it? No. Not even if you’re JD Vance.”
Hall says the only way you could bottom for someone made of wicker is “in your wet dreams,” otherwise you risk putting your hole out of commission for the rest of your life.
“No amount of lube or prep will save your hole from a wicker penis,” he says. “In terms of material, wicker is the exact opposite of what you want to be putting up your butt because it's woven and rough. Unlike smooth borosilicate glass, metal, or silicone, wicker would easily scratch up your hole upon entry. Pulling the wicker penis back out is an entirely separate nightmare that's sure to be the end of your bottoming career.”
What are the risks of bottoming for a man made out of wicker?
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Having sex with a human top can already lead to things like hemorrhoids, anal fissures, fistulas, and bottoming pain if you’re not careful, but those risks are way higher if the dick you’re trying to take is made out of wicker.
According to Hall, if curiosity gets the best of you and you decide to hook up with the hot wicker dude you just paid to have made, it’s a one-way ticket to the emergency room.
“I think the real risk here is that sex education is so bad that you would consider putting a wicker penis up your bum to begin with,” he says. “People already end up in the ER because they put objects up their butt that were not made to go up their butt. Trying out a wicker penis is going to make your local ER doctors pretty upset with you and your choices in life.”
Goldstein says he doesn’t have any personal experience to draw on because he’s never “been fucked by a wicker man,” but he can think of a lot of risks, including splinters.
“The anal canal is lined with some of the most sensitive skin in the body,” he says. “A splinter there is a very specific kind of emergency, and it usually ends with someone like me, a good internal camera, and some surgical tools.”
You’re also guaranteed to get anal fissures and will probably get an infection because it’s impossible to sanitize a porous material. But chafing should also be top of mind when weighing the pros and cons of bottoming for a wicker dick. “Every thrust means friction against hundreds of tiny woven edges,” Goldstein says. “That’s essentially exfoliating the inside of your asshole.”
If you end up with a splinter, or have worsening pain, swelling, bleeding beyond light spotting, discharge, or fever, then it’s time to head to the hospital and be seen by a specialist. And if you’re worried about the health and wellbeing of your wicker man, Goldstein has a suggestion for that too. “Keep him away from candles, fireplaces, and bonfires. For his sake, not yours,” he says.
Can you make it pleasurable?
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Bottoming for a wicker man is ill-advised, but Goldstein is all about patients making informed decisions about their own health, so here is what you should know.
“Many people choose not to use condoms these days, and I'm a huge advocate of PrEP and DoxyPEP,” he says. “However, this is the one scene where I'm firmly pro-barrier. You'll want something puncture-resistant. A Kevlar condom, if you can find one. Maybe two.”
Beyond that, if you’re dead set on taking your relationship with your own wicker Alexander Skarsgård to the next step, you’re going to have to do a lot of prep work first.
“Ask him to get sanded and sealed,” Goldstein says. “A few coats of polyurethane would go a long way for everyone involved.” Then, go easy on the douching so you don’t irritate your rectal lining before you even get started, skip the numbing cream so that if you get a splinter you feel it and can stop, and use one of the dilator kits from Goldstein’s sexual health brand Future Method in advance.
“Future Method's Glass Dilator Sets are about as far from wicker as a material can get: smooth, nonporous, and easy to clean," he says. "Work up gradually to a size similar to your partner's. And yes, measure him. While Future Method’s Silicone Lubricant is the ideal partner for these dilators, it’s not as compatible with his wicker wacker.”
Hall has a more creative solution that will save your hole altogether. “You're better off using a sanded, smoothed, and sealed wooden dildo (with a flared base!), plenty of water-based lube to protect the wood's seal, and your imagination to get off on this one,” he says.
Which sex positions would work best?
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Ok, so getting dicked down by a wicker man would be a mistake. But since we know some of you pervs would absolutely ignore the warnings and try this Mount Everest of bottoming anyway, we asked the experts if there are any sex positions that could work.
Hall says you should take a page out of the lesbian playbook and embrace your inner pillow princess. “I highly suggest you practice being a pillow princess with a wicker man and let him tend to all of your needs for the night,” he says. “This will ensure you protect your mouth hole and south hole from serious chafing and cuts. If you have a workshop glove handy, you could in turn give your wicker man a handy.”
And don’t forget that sides are valid and sex doesn’t have to include penetration. “Sex is not always penetrative, so if you're going to fuck a wicker man, it may be time to pivot fully to foreplay on this one,” he says.
Mutual touching with the wicker man wearing gloves and outercourse with a thick towel as a barrier may be your best bet, or you could just “let him hold the lube. Wicker makes excellent storage,” Goldstein recommends.
“Let him watch while you use a glass or silicone dilator,” he says. “He'll appreciate the craftsmanship. For positions, I'd go with chair pose. He's essentially patio furniture, so let him do what wicker does best and have a seat on his lap.”
Sources cited:
Dr. Evan Goldstein is an anal surgeon and owner of Bespoke Surgical and Future Method.
Alex Hall is the creator of The Bottom’s Digest YouTube channel and sexual health platform.
Wicker is now in theaters.
