This story originally appeared on Them.
Frotting, dry humping, grinding: whatever you choose to call the act of rubbing two genitals against each other like an eager hand on a genie’s bottle, frotting is quickly becoming one of the most popular bedroom activities among queer people.
At a time when our understanding of pleasure outside of penetration continues to expand, many are realizing that frotting is essentially mutual masturbation on steroids. And while it isn’t entirely risk-free, frotting generally carries a lower risk of transmitting STIs than penetrative sex.
For those unfamiliar, the term “frotting” became popular in the 1990s, according to sex toy company Lelo. The term is derived from the French word “frotter,” which literally means “to rub,” and its history has always been queer. In fact, Bill Weintraub, a gay rights and AIDS organizer and educator, began raising awareness about frotting in the 1990s as a non-penetrative alternative form of gay sex that still allowed for genital-to-genital contact. Of course, like any form of sexual contact, the risk of spreading STIs like HIV is not eliminated by frotting.
On the surface it might seem like one of the more uncomplicated sex acts, but the devil is in the details. Small things can make a massive difference. Whether it’s finding the right rhythm or avoiding skin irritation, it’s not just about pushing two dicks together. Whether you’re working with a cis dick, a T-dick, or a girl dick, here’s our guide to frotting, according to people who know.
Make it real wet
Don’t take the term “dry humping” literally. To minimize the chances of irritation and make the frotting journey as smooth as possible, apply lube generously.
“Silicone-based lube lasts longest and doesn’t get as sticky as water-based. Water-based is fine, and it cleans up easily, but you’ll need to reapply it,” says Jon Prezant, an AASECT-certified sex therapist. “Spit can be hot but dries out fast."
In addition to silicone-based lube, you can and should use any liquids that your body naturally produces during the act, whether it’s precum or the cum itself. “Get a little wet with it, take a long time, feel free to dip into the pussy a little bit if your trans partner feels OK with that to get all the juices to mix up a little bit,” Marz, a 36-year-old trans man, who loves frotting, tells Them. “The wetter the better.”
Focus on the tips
Here’s another tip: Joya, a 32-year-old DJ and producer who loves to frot, says the best part of frotting is rubbing the top of her girl dick with a guy’s penis. “Put the tips together and play with the sensation of the tips as if they were kissing,” she tells Them. “Just play with the sensations that the tips give you.”
As it turns out, she’s onto something: “The frenulum, which is the underside of the penis, is one of the most sensitive areas a man has,” says Prezant. “Frotting stimulates it directly." Spend some time finding, caressing, and putting gentle pressure on the frenulum.
Get your hands involved
On a spiritual level, frotting can be like a marriage between two phalluses. “Frotting to me is putting two dicks together and jerking them off as if it was one,” says Joya. One technique to jerk off two penises is to grab the shaft of both and for one partner to use a hand to “fuck” the “O” shape the first person’s hand is making around both dicks.
If you’re making the “O,” try switching up the pressure you’re applying with your hand: squeeze, un-squeeze, and notice how your partner reacts.. The hand “adds grip and lets one person steer for a while,” says Prezant. You can also try adjusting the pace.
Start slow and catch a rhythm
Rhythm: Not everyone has it innately, but everyone can learn to have it. If you struggle with finding a rhythm that doesn’t feel awkward, the best advice is to start slow.
“Do not try to jump in overthinking it trying to master it off [the] rip. Take it slow. Start gentle,” sex coach Mariah Copeland Dixon tells Them. “Arousal fluctuates as it builds… Arousal builds over time and should be treated with patience.”
“I would say start slower than you think,” adds Prezant. “Everybody’s penis is unique and has different sensitivity spots. Vary the pressure and pace instead of losing into one speed and pushing towards an orgasm.” Instead of thrusting mindlessly, frot from your hips. Switch things up and insert your dick in between the other person’s thighs before going back to the penis. Once you find a sensual rhythm you and your partner seem to be enjoying, you can start increasing the pace.
Experiment with angles, positions, and full-body contact
Just like any other sex acts, don’t limit yourself to one singular position.
“You can do it while standing up and face-to-face, or side by side, similar to spooning,” says Dr. Frankie Bashan, a relationship expert and founder of the queer matchmaking company Little Gay Book. Make out while frotting, and touch other sensitive body parts to maximize the sensations.
Frotting is not a dick-measuring contest
When you’re literally rubbing your dick against someone else’s, it's easy to fall into the trap of comparing sizes. “Frotting is the one sex act where two penises sit side by side, so men who are particularly anxious about their size are suddenly looking at a direct comparison,” says Prezant. “Because size is valued so intensely in gay culture, a lot of men carry a secret ranking system into bed with them.”
Rather than worrying about how you measure up, remember that frotting is all about mutual pleasure, and there’s no one way to experience it. “As a trans woman, I love that frotting feels less heterosexual. Penetrative sex feels more like a heterosexual POV in my case — it’s just getting fucked,” says Joya. “[With] frotting, I feel it’s more playful and it’s about the pleasure of both”
Marz says the sexual freedom in frotting can make things even more enjoyable. “I've found a T4T frotting situation is more fun because there’s more play, [and it’s] like an innate understanding that sex can look and be a million different things,” he tells Them. We should all be taking notes.
Get the best of what’s queer. Sign up for Them’s newsletters.
