Can't bottom anymore? Here's expert advice on how to transition to topping

Why would it be difficult to find out you can’t bottom?

Getting hemorrhoids or an anal fissure may just mean taking a break from bottoming until your body has healed, but it would be a harder pill to swallow if you find out that you can’t ever bottom again.

“When an athlete injures themselves to a point they have to give up their sport, it can be a time in their life full of grief and longing. A bottom giving up bottoming is no different in my eyes,” says Alex Hall, who created the sex education platform and YouTube show The Bottom’s Digest to teach queer people everything they need to know about bottoming.

Having all of the wisdom and experience many men have built up over a lifetime of bottoming amount to nothing can “be numbing,” Hall says, but beyond that, it can be heartbreaking to let go of a sex act that is extremely pleasurable. “The fear you may never feel that kind of pleasure again is real and heavy,” he says. “The good news is that there are countless ways to have great sex. You're only saying goodbye to one of them.”

Being told you won’t be able to bottom anymore not only means missing out on a specific kind of sexual pleasure, it also means having to shift your sexual identity. For many people, being a top, bottom, side, or vers becomes intrinsically linked with their identity as gay men, and untangling that when you have to make a change can be difficult.

According to Carol Queen — the resident sexologist at Good Vibes, who has been teaching classes on anal sex and fisting with her partner Dr. Robert Morgan Lawrence since the ‘90s — for some people, being a bottom “becomes a significant part of their sexual identity.” It’s not just how you derive pleasure, but talking about it with potential dates or hookups can also help you “evaluate others for compatibility” both romantically and sexually.

“Not everyone will identify this deeply, but when someone does, what they do becomes part of who they are in a way. So that can be tough to navigate,” she says.

How can you make peace with this new reality?

First, make sure you’ve exhausted all of your options. If you’ve healed from a fissure or fistula and are still experiencing intense pain anytime you even think about penetration, make sure you explore your options with an LGBTQ-inclusive doctor who understands your sex life before you officially put your hole out to pasture. There are things like HoleTox, pelvic floor therapy, surgical procedures, and dilation protocols that could help you get back to being the slutty bottom you know and love. And if the problem is more mental and emotional, explore therapy with a queer sex therapist before you throw in the towel.

But if this is a problem that is here to stay, there are also plenty of ways to learn to live with this change and even begin to love your new sex life. “I think a powerful way to make peace with this new reality is to embrace the fact that sex does not always equal penetration,” Hall says. “You can still explore connection and sex with a partner in so many other ways that’s not limited to anal sex exclusively. So, expanding the definition of sex to be more inclusive of all sexy activities is an important first step.”

This can look like exploring frosting, mutual masturbation, or trying new sex toys. Hall recommends toys like the CockBlock, which takes an act normally reserved for foreplay and makes it feel “like full-on penetrative sex” because they are powered by your hip thrusts.

“The next step is to take something you like in the foreplay category, like kissing or blow jobs, and find ways to explore them and take them to new heights,” he says. “Maybe you try out some new techniques you saw in a porn video recently. Maybe you try making out numerous times between a blow job session. Whatever turns you on besides penetration, it’s time to turn the volume up on that activity.”

If bottoming is no longer an option, Queen recommends exploring other forms of sex and desire that have been “sidelined” by your focus on bottoming. “There are so many delightful and hot ways to be a sexual person,” she says. Being laser-focused on bottoming is understandable because it feels amazing, but this is your opportunity to learn about other forms of sexual pleasure. So take sex classes, research things online, read books, try sex toys that don’t relate to being a top or bottom, and use masturbation as a space to explore your new reality and come to terms with this change in circumstances.

“Like, are there other elements of sex that are in fact important to you, but the primacy of penetrative sex has overshadowed those? Many of us have been there,” Queen says. “But also — how you live in your sexual body changes all along the lifespan. This change is part of a lifelong arc that can include much change of many kinds.”

What should you do if you want to switch positions?

OK, so bottoming can’t be your thing anymore, that doesn’t mean an end to your sex life, it just means you’ll need to switch things up. This could mean trying everything being a side has to offer or topping, possible for the first time in your life. That may sound intimidating, but according to gay sex experts, it’s totally doable.

Hall says if topping sounds like something you want to try, start being thinking about the things a top does that you love when you’re bottoming and start by doing that. "For me, I love when a top over-communicates, spends their sweet time on foreplay, and uses their hips to create waves instead of slamming into me relentlessly,” Hall says. “So if I became a top overnight, I would start there and figure out what else I like with a little trial and error. Communication and consent are 100 percent mandatory and not part of ‘trial and error.’”

And if you’re nervous about your performance as a newbie top, start experimenting during solo play first. “If I were super new to topping, I would start using a FleshLight during solo play to work on building stamina and familiarize myself with the sensations of topping,” he says. “Edging yourself with a FleshLight is an excellent way to get loads of good practice in.”

Talking to people who are experienced tops or vers to get more information and inspiration is also a great place to start. “When you watch porn, look for a range of sex styles and explore fantasizing from a top space,” Queen recommends. “If you're into BDSM-style top/bottom dynamics, maybe find someone who can help mentor you into a switch/vers style and POV. It's good to have a mentor! And again — if you have been side-eyeing other kinds of sex, try to get out of that habit. There are lots of types of pleasure waiting to be explored, and you might surprise yourself.”

Do you need to talk to your partner about this change?

Once you’ve come to terms with the fact that you can no longer bottom and have explored other forms of sex and landed on a new position, make sure you communicate that to people you’re planning to have sex with.

“Whether you have a long-term partner or you’re casually hooking up with people, communicate with them what’s possible for y’all to explore together,” Hall says. “For super casual hookups, I strongly recommend communicating that you are a strict top and/or side so there is a clear expectation from the start.”

If you’ve been in a relationship for a while, this can also be an opportunity to make a game out of exploring new avenues of sexual pleasure and fulfillment with your partner. “I invite you to get curious and think outside the box,” he says. “Maybe y’all had a sub/dom relationship in the bedroom that can be explored in new ways like with edging or spanking. Maybe you’re really into feet and have your partner jack you off with their feet. Be prepared to be very turned on in ways you never imagined before.”

According to Queen, you and your partner can use this change as an excuse to use masturbation, fantasy, and adult films to figure out if there is an “inner top” hiding inside of you that wants to come out and play. "Penetration is not the sole definition of sex nor the only way to enjoy it,” she says. “Don't let yourself be limited by this notion, and your options will all look more interesting if you don't think of them as second best by definition.”

Even if topping doesn’t normally sound like your cup of tea, you may enjoy being a service top, where you get pleasure from making the person bottoming for you feel good. So talk to your partner and consider incorporating this type of BDSM play into your sex life. “There is another thing kink folx may do, which is choose to top someone as a form of service play,” Queen says. “And even if you're not kinky this way, that's an option. Look for people you're attracted to who would like to explore that possibility with you.”

Do you need to change your mindset?

Switching positions in the bedroom is going to mean a shift in your mindset. Coming to terms with not being able to bottom is tough, but once you come to accept your new role, it’s time to start wrapping your head around taking on a different identity during sex.

“Performance anxiety can affect anyone in the bedroom, regardless if you’re topping or bottoming,” Hall says. “The most important thing is that you feel relaxed and present. It’s natural to be a little nervous if you spent years bottoming and now all of a sudden you’re topping tonight for the first time with a partner. Taking deep, juicy breaths is your best bet to relax and stay focused on how things feel for you and your partner.”

For people in relationships, you may feel like not being able to bottom anymore means you are letting your partner down. Don’t let this toxic mindset take hold because you’ll be doing a disservice to yourself and your partner. “If you’re stressed, you may start to try things you’re not as comfortable with just to appease your partner. This is only going to cheat yourself out of discovering what you do like,” Hall says.

Making this shift can be hard if your role during sex is wound up in your perception of your own masculinity, and whether you enjoy submitting to or servicing the person you are having sex with. “In my opinion, the more you embrace diverse possibilities, fluidity and difference, the more easily you can find your inner diverse sexual self,” Queen says. “Because for some of us, all/many of these roles and ways to give and experience pleasure are on tap without canceling out the others. Look for support, stay curious, choose partners who are open too, and you may well find your way there!”

Do you need to change anything physically?

There are distinct differences between bottoming and topping, so if you’re switching things up, you may need to condition your body to make that change without pulling a muscle. “Start doing hip mobility and pelvic floor exercises as often as you can,” Hall recommends. “Not only will these help make your hips feel better day-to-day, but they will also make topping a lot more fun and enjoyable for all involved.”

This will also increase your sexual stamina so you can have more control and go for longer sessions. “A happy pelvic floor will also give you better control over your ejaculations so you can last as long (or as little) as you’d like,” he says. “If you’re concerned about coming too quickly and you’re aware of your refractory period, try masturbating on your own with enough time to bounce back before sexy time with your partner.”

Queen says you don’t necessarily need a whole new workout regimen; just give yourself permission to enjoy the ways topping makes you feel. “I can imagine people who are super-identified and accustomed to bottoming for whom topping would be a really different world,” she says. “The main thing would be to allow yourself to access the turn-on that can come with topping. Also, queer sex therapists are standing by.”

What is a side?

Simply put, a side is someone who doesn’t have penetrative sex and doesn’t identify with the top and bottom labels. “And that kind of means that a side has all the other sex at their fingertips or whatever organ is involved,” Queen says.

This can be oral sex, frotting, mutual masturbation — really, you are only limited by your own imagination. “I always tell my audience on The Bottom’s Digest, we can learn a lot from sides because bottoming is not always in the cards,” Hall says. “Sides remind us we can simply pivot into so many other sexy activities and still have a delicious time.”

It’s easy to get stuck in this mindset that there has to be penetration involved or it isn’t really sex, but sides prove just how wrong that is. “Sex is whatever you define it as,” he says. “ As long as you’re having fun and your needs are getting met, that’s sex!”

So if you can’t bottom anymore, but topping also sounds unappealing, don’t fret because there are more ways to have great sex.

8 tips for non-penetrative sex:

1. Longer makeout sesh

“Make out like mad and explore the other person's body with your hands,” Queen says. Hall also recommends not stopping after a few kisses and instead leaning in and making out for a longer period of time than you may be used to post junior high school.

“Challenge yourself to make out for 10 minutes before moving into any other foreplay,” he says. “Kissing is so sexy and we could all be doing it a lot longer. From here, start to move your lips and hands into erogenous zones like the neck, the nipples, and armpits to really get things going.”

2. Try frotting

Frotting all on its own can feel amazing — and allow you to have the intimacy of face-to-face sex — but you can also switch things up by adding in a sex toy. “Frotting with a toy like the CockBlock is the closest to penetrative sex a non-penetrative session can be,” Hall says. “Look it up because this has been my favorite toy for the last year now.”

3. Don’t leave the perineum out

This area is often forgotten, even though it can feel amazing. “Explore your partner’s perineum, aka the taint, with your tongue, fingers, or vibrating toys,” Hall says. “The perineum is an erogenous zone for all people. And if you have a prostate, this area will feel extra yummy to press gently, but deeply, into.”

4. Amp up the dirty talk

No one wants a silent partner, so open your mouth and speak up. Get creative and finally say all of those dirty thoughts out loud. “Talk about what you'd like to do together. Be as explicit as possible,” Queen says.

This is a great way to turn an ordinary hand job into an extraordinary one.“If you and your partner like dirty talk, make it extra dirty during hand jobs, blow jobs, and any other foreplay y’all like to get into,” Hall says. “Just make sure you look them directly in the eye when you deliver your line. That’ll really do the job.”

5. Use more lube

You may think of lube as only being necessary for anal sex, but you couldn’t be more wrong. “Find a water-based lube you love the taste of and incorporate it into your blow jobs,” Hall says. “I find that I can give blow jobs way longer with the lube’s help. Also, getting face-fucked this way is much more comfy. If you miss your breeding kink, this is a great time to remind your partner they can breed your mouth, too.”

6. Don’t stick to just using your tongue

If you’re rimming someone, don’t limit yourself to only using your mouth. “Rimming your partner? Don't forget to incorporate your fingers by running your finger tips down your partner’s butt cheeks, circling their anus with your pointer finger,” Hall says.

7. Put on a show

Take a page out of Heated Rivalry’s playbook and touch yourself like you’re Shane trying to get Ilya all hot and bothered. “Jack off together and put on a show for each other,” Queen says.

8. Try adding BDSM

Whether you’re an old pro or want to try BDSM for the first time, adding in power exchange can take your sex life up a notch. “Explore domination or sensory play, kinky roles and all the wonders of the BDSM world,” Queen says.