Why The Bear is queerer than it seems

FX's The Bear released its third season last week, and as any fan of the show can attest, it stirs up a range of emotions — frustration, stress, anxiety (and hunger!). However, for me, one emotion is pride. Over the last three seasons, I felt myself getting choked up watching the show.

The lump in my throat didn't start forming at the parts you would think — like Natalie (Abby Elliot) giving birth and having a heartwarming moment with her mom, Donna (Jamie Lee Curtis), or the moment Donna decides not to attend the restaurant's opening night. It was the pride of having been a hospitality worker and watching Richie (Ebon Moss-Bachrach) go through a similar journey of self-discovery as he fell in love with working in the restaurant industry, just as I did, and the innately queer idea of finding a chosen family.

As a character, Richie has been the misunderstood outsider. And while he is not queer (none of the characters in The Bear are as of yet), the idea of chosen family is. After immerses himself in the art of fine dining and gets taken under the wing of the employees at the restaurant he trained at, he discovers confidence, a purpose, and even safety. He finally felt understood after his formal training, when he learned what the foundations of hospitality are and why restaurants go to great lengths to make sure guests have the best experience possible.

This point of found family is underscored in episode 3 when Carmy (Jeremy Allen White) is talking to Marcus (Lionel Boyce) and says, "There’s probably one really true thing about restaurants: You’re never alone." This familial aspect of working in a restaurant becomes evident through this most recent season, an aspect that doesn't really get considered when it comes to mainstream coverage of this show.

For those who've worked in a restaurant, you know that when you're immersed in a high-pressure environment like this, especially in fine dining, the bond is as quick as it is strong. I worked as a host/maître d' in the restaurant world for five years at nine different restaurants across New York City, and the stories I have are enough to fill a book. The work was hard, the hours were grueling, I stood on my feet (in dress shoes) for 10-plus hours a day, and there was rarely a night where an angry guest wouldn't take their frustrations out on me. But more often than not, it was rewarding to give someone the best experience with just a few simple actions.

I was also lucky that I had a manager who fiercely protected her employees and treated us like her kids sometimes, so we'd call her our restaurant mom. She would tell us when she was disappointed — not to scold but to help us learn to not make the same mistake again. She advocated for her employees to upper management. And when she left, she still looked out for us and got us jobs at her new restaurant. In some ways, Jess (Sarah Ramos) — the stern, yet good-natured fine dining employee Richie poaches to join the Bear and is helping to get the team in shape — reminds me of my restaurant mom.

From her, we learned hand gestures, terminology, how to take care of regulars, how to write down notes about what the guests like (such as having sparkling water ready on the table upon arrival), and how to handle high-pressure situations (though, I admittedly wasn’t always the best with that). On top of that, she made us feel safe, because she believed in her employees and advocated for us, gave us opportunities to prove ourselves, and helped us work towards our goals.

I've met some of my best friends while working in a restaurant, some of whom I've known for almost 10 years. At the last job I held before leaving the restaurant industry for good, I worked at a Vietnamese shop called Madame Vo. The owners are a husband and wife duo whom I love dearly, and we still message each other to celebrate each other’s wins. This environment made it so much harder to leave the industry, because they fostered such a familial vibe, which really helped the employees get along better, therefore making the flow of the restaurant (most of the time) seamless.

Corporate America can be cold, distant, and many of the owners of these major businesses are not people who form personal relationships with their thousands of employees. There, it’s definitely not advisable to see the teams you work with as your family because of the volatility of the job market — and decisions will be made with the bottom line in mind. But in a restaurant, that’s very much not the case (unless you work at a chain restaurant). The owners and managers (good ones at least) are positive forces of change in their employees lives. The more a business feels safe and familiar, the better chance it has at success.

Which is what we see in this most recent season of The Bear — a chosen family working together to form a well-oiled machine. If one part malfunctions, the whole thing comes crashing down, which is why we see Richie and the group help each other with personal issues and lean on each other for support throughout the series. This found family is what helps them succeed in life — and it's a recipe for success in business as well.

Moises Mendez II is a writer with Out magazine. Follow him on Instagram @moisesfenty. Stream season 4 of The Bear now on Hulu.