Go Ask Alex: I'm older & heavy. Will a muscular escort still be into me?

Dear Alexander,

At age 70, I hired an escort and sucked my first dick! It was wonderful. I chose an older escort because I am concerned about my weight, age, etc.

Now I want to do a little more in my exploration, but my fantasy is the hot, muscular, hairy guy I would have gone after in my 20s. My first experience was very positive, but I am worried that another escort will judge me or not be interested. Having him perform, appear interested, and introduce me to more things is important to me.

My first escort was really sweet and put me at ease, but I think I want the stud. Is that expecting too much? How do I find the right escort? What are the right questions to ask? Do I tell him about my weight (I’m heavy but not obese) and age? Do I need to worry he will be grossed out when we are together? Thanks in advance.

Jim

Hey Jim,

Thanks for your question. I’m glad you had a great first experience with a working boy — now let’s get you ready for your second.

I recognize this question might be controversial to Out’s readers. I imagine the criticism will be what it often is of sex work: that the business must be inherently exploitative, that the sex is inauthentic and even deceptive, or that some harm must be happening somewhere, even if critics can’t quite say where. But I was a sex worker for over a decade, and although all of my clients were explicitly transactional, business relationships, they still had the potential to be beautiful and affirming. Many men like you hired me, and I believe I helped some of them overcome their initial fears of sex. I believe I helped them with other, deeper things, too —things like loneliness, insecurity, and isolation.

Sex work can be harmful. It can be beautiful, too.

The idea of sex work can be hard to work your mind around, Jim. You must try to view it as a service industry, nothing more.

You pay someone to fix your car. Every few months, you pay someone to clean your teeth. Sometimes you go to a restaurant and pay people to cook for you.

These are service industries. Sex work is a service industry. While it’s nice to have a connection with your barber, it’s not mandatory: You’re paying them for something, and they provide a service in turn.

A good, high-quality, skilled sex worker will deliver the experience you want. They will not judge you or your body. Of course, service quality varies across the industry, just as it does with nail technicians and hairstylists and dentists. But that’s why we keep looking for better nail technicians and better hairstylists and better dentists. People who buy sex don’t always have a great time, but they keep shopping.

A major benefit of sex work is not having to deal with questions like: Does he like me? Does he find me attractive? It does not matter if he likes you or finds you attractive. It’s not hard to be a good client, and being a good client makes you valued in this business. If you are courteous, respectful of his boundaries, and pay him his stated rate up front without haggling, you will be seen as a good client, and he will be glad to meet again.

Like other service industries, rate and availability can be indicators of a provider’s quality. If someone makes you book a month (or months) in advance, they are in demand. Cheap tattoos aren’t good, and cheap sex isn’t good either: A good sex worker will cost you. A professional does not haggle their rate. An expensive pair of jeans costs what’s on the tag. An expensive dick does, too.

When sex work advocates say “sex work is work,” this is partly what they mean: Sex work is just a job, as legitimate as any other. Unfortunately, it’s an illegal job in many parts of the world, including the United States. But it is literally the world’s oldest profession— its varying legal status across the globe has not stopped it and won’t anytime soon.

In nearly all jobs, humans must interact effectively with people they would not necessarily spend time with outside of work. Most office workers do not particularly like everyone they work with, and they don’t have to. Regardless, one of the requirements of an office job is to coexist peacefully and positively with others — to leave them with a good experience, to make them happy within reasonable limits and boundaries, and to enforce those boundaries when necessary. Sex work is no different. When I was a sex worker — which ended two years ago after 11 years in the business — I had lovely clients, but I was not interested in spending time with any of them outside of work. They were work.

Do not ask the stud if he’s really interested in you or if he really finds you attractive. If you cannot be content with someone acting — if you cannot be happy with a performance — you should not be hiring. Asking that question puts sex workers in an awkward position and forces them to either lie (so as not to lose a paying client) or tell the truth and risk hurting someone’s feelings and losing their business. Just don’t do it.

Finding a good sex worker might take time. In the process, you might pay for men who end up being lackluster. That’s fine — that’s part of any service industry. In every city I’ve lived in, I’ve had a hard time finding a good barber; I try new ones until I find a guy I like. When I find a guy, I stick with him.

When you find a good guy that delivers the experience you want, stick with him and become a regular. Book him in advance, tip him when he does a good job, and always thank him for his time.

Hey there! I’m Alexander Cheves. I’m a sex writer and former sex worker—I worked in the business for over 12 years. You can read my sex-and-culture column Last Call in Out and my book My Love Is a Beast: Confessions, from Unbound Edition Press. But be warned: Kirkus Reviews says the book is "not for squeamish readers.”

In the past, I directed (ahem) adult videos and sold adult products. I have spoken about subjects like cruising, sexual health, and HIV at the International AIDS Conference, SXSW, the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai, and elsewhere, and appeared on dozens of podcasts.

Here, I’m offering sex and relationship advice to Out’s readers. Send your question to askbeastly@gmail.com — it may get answered in a future post.