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I have bad gaydar—and the dating struggle is real

I have bad gaydar—and the dating struggle is real

illustration chemistry class love rainbow hearts
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Gay chemistry

For guest writer Krisjay Sigurdson, the agony of the gay guessing game is ever present.

They say chemistry is all about reactions. You mix two elements, and voilà, something magical or explosive happens. But the chemistry between two people makes the reactions harder to predict. Especially when one of the variables is a giant question mark: Is he gay, or am I just projecting because he wore a "1989" sweater to class last week?

This semester, I developed what can only be described as a textbook crush on a guy in my chemistry class. Let's call him Chemistry Man. He's the kind of guy who could read the periodic table aloud and make it sound hot. Dapper glasses, effortless charm, and a focused-yet-relaxed vibe that screams, "I know the difference between ionic and covalent bonds, and I look damn good doing it." The only problem? I had no idea if he liked men. Or, more importantly, if he would like me.

Now, straight people might complain about rejection, but they'll never understand the peculiar agony of the gay guessing game. Every crush comes with a mystery. Are they gay? Bi? Straight but flirty? You can't exactly hand them a survey without seeming like a lunatic. It's like being a queer Sherlock Holmes: you can only collect clues, though this poorly-equipped detective fumbles around a crime scene.

Unfortunately, my gaydar was no help. Usually, I can pick up on subtle signs, well-timed glances, or playful smirks. But with Chemistry Man, it was radio silence. Nothing. Nada. The uncertainty was killing me, so I decided to outsource the investigation. Enter my friend – my Ms. Watson – a skilled social sleuth who happened to have mutuals with him. If anyone could uncover the truth, it was her.

She reported back after a few days of reconnaissance.

Her verdict? "I think he's gay." That's it. No firm conclusion, just a maddeningly vague "I think." It wasn't the confirmation I needed, but it was enough to keep me in the game. Hope, after all, is the fuel that powers most crushes. That, and a healthy amount of delusion. Then, fate intervened, or rather, my friends did. One afternoon, they sat beside him in the library when they overheard him and his friends doing something revolutionary: rating guys on Hinge. Guys. My friends immediately texted me the news, and my heart skipped a beat. This wasn't just a subtle clue. This was gay gospel. Not only was Chemistry Man into men, but he was also on Hinge. Suddenly, the possibilities opened like the gates of gay heaven.

Naturally, I did what any rational person would do: I downloaded Hinge and started swiping like I was running out of time. When I finally found him, I stared at his profile like a treasure map. His pictures were predictably perfect, think "effortlessly cool" with just a touch of "I drink oat milk lattes because regular dairy is beneath me." I hit that heart button faster than an electron jumping into a different orbital.

And now… I wait.

Every time my phone buzzes, I feel a flash of hope, only to discover yet another notification reminding me to upgrade to Hinge Premium. (Spoiler alert: I will not pay $19.99 to see who ignored me faster). This limbo of online dating is a special kind of torture. You're caught between the high potential and the low uncertainty, all while trying to look calm and collected in real life.

But here's the thing about having a crush: it's both exhilarating and exhausting. You analyze every detail, from their smile to their walk, turning every glance into a sign and every conversation into a riddle. It's like starring in your romantic comedy, except you don't know if your crush is the love interest or just really polite.

Still, there's something beautiful about the whole mess.

Liking someone means taking a chance, even when the odds are unclear. It's a leap of faith, a gamble on possibility. And sure, for us gay men, it often involves extra layers of detective work, but isn't that what makes the payoff even sweeter?

If you've ever found yourself in a similar situation, here's my advice: stop overthinking. Yes, you can stalk their Instagram followers or analyze their Spotify playlists. But at the end of the day, the only way to know is to ask. Or, if you're like me, swipe right and hope for the best. The worst-case scenario is rejection, which stings but doesn't kill. The best case? Well, that's why we play the game, isn't it?

As for me, I'm still waiting for Chemistry Man to notice me, both in class and on Hinge. Maybe he'll swipe back. Perhaps he won't. Either way, I've decided to embrace the uncertainty. Because in life, as in chemistry, you have to take risks. You must mix the elements, light the Bunsen burner, and see what happens. Sometimes, it's a dud, and sometimes…it's explosive.

So here's to every gay man sitting in class, coffee shops, or on Hinge, wondering, "Is he? Isn't he?" Here's to every crush that makes you feel alive and slightly insane. And to Chemistry Man, wherever you are, if you're reading this, let's discuss covalent bonds over coffee sometime. My treat.

Krisjay Sigurdson is a microbiology student currently navigating life between the lab and the podcast mic, where he shares unfiltered takes and stories on the Diaries of a Homosexual. Whether Krisjay is volunteering, traveling, or diving into creative projects, he's always in the middle of a good story, sometimes living it and sometimes telling it.

Voices is dedicated to featuring a wide range of inspiring personal stories and impactful opinions from the LGBTQ+ community and its allies. Visit out.com/submit to learn more about submission guidelines. We welcome your thoughts and feedback on any of our stories. Email us at voices@equalpride.com. Views expressed in Voices stories are those of the guest writers, columnists and editors, and do not directly represent the views of Out or our parent company, equalpride.

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