Anal gaping 101: Everything you need to know about the kinky sex act

What is anal gaping?

Anal gaping is when the anus stays visibly open temporarily during or after sex. You can achieve the “gape” by slowly training your body to relax the anal sphincter so that it stays open after penetration.

The idea is for the rectum and anal canal to remain open and visible “when the thing penetrating the anus, no matter if it’s a penis, sex toy, finger, arm or something else, is taken out,” explains Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist.

When done properly, you should be able to relax your two anal sphincters to the point that they remain open voluntarily, and eventually return to normal. “For some people, it happens on its own through a neuromuscular connection they either have naturally or have developed over time; for others, it happens during or after penetration or dilation,” says Dr. Evan Goldstein, a nationally renowned anal surgeon and owner of Bespoke Surgical. “To understand what's happening, I need people to think about the entire anal unit: the muscles, skin, and underlying tissue. With a true gape, all of those components open together, as the anal sphincters and pelvic floor relax.”

Why do people like anal gaping?

This kinky sex act can be a turn-on for a whole host of reasons. According to Roos — who works in public sexual health care in Stockholm, Sweden, at a clinic specialized in queer men — a bottom may enjoy “the hardcore feeling of blooming and the process of stretching your ass to gape, while the penetrator gets going by the visual sensation, both of the open ass but also of their partner enjoying themselves.”

Anal gaping can also be a visual cue to your sexual partner that you’re ready for the main event. "There's an ‘I'm open, and I'm open for you’ element that can be incredibly arousing,” says Goldstein, who focuses his medical practice around making bottoming safe and pain-free. “For others, the appeal is the sensation, the control over their body, or the trust involved in sharing that experience with a partner.”

But the act is not easy to do, and it takes a lot of time and practice. “From my perspective, it tells me that the bottom is so in tune with their body that they were able to sync their mind and body — and hole — to relax and open up together,” he says. “That’s not an easy feat, and it’s actually not something that everyone can do. Learning to relax during penetration can make bottoming more comfortable, yes, but being able to gape is next level.”

But your ability to gape shouldn’t be used as a yardstick to measure how good of a bottom you are, since for some it’s not physically possible no matter how much you train your body. “You don't need a visible gape for anal sex to feel incredible,” Goldstein says.

Can you train your body to do this?

There are two types of anal gaping: passive and active. Passive anal gaping is what happens when the anus temporarily stays open, and a toy, fingers, a dilator, or penis is removed. This happens without any conscious action on the bottom’s part.

It’s active anal gaping that you can attempt to train your body for. “Active gaping involves learning to intentionally relax and coordinate the pelvic floor and anal sphincters to produce that opening,” Goldstein says. “Gentle touch around an already relaxed opening can help someone recognize the sensation, and over time, some people learn to reproduce it without that tactile cue. But, again, not everyone can, so don’t feel discouraged if you can’t.”

Anal gaping should only be tried by seasoned bottoms, but if you want to train your hole to gape, Goldstein recommends a five-step process. First, get comfortable and try to relax. “Start with foreplay, a warm bath, or slow belly breathing,” he says. “Choose a position where you feel supported and in control, like lying on your back with your knees bent. Focus on releasing tension in your pelvic floor without holding your breath or straining.”

Once you’re relaxed and turned on, start small and work your way up. Goldstein recommends using a dilator set so that you can gradually progress to larger sizes. His company FutureMethod even has sets you can use to train yourself to gape. And don’t forget the lube! Use more than you think you need and pick a high-quality one. “Insert slowly and give your body time to adjust. Pain, burning, or resistance means you should stop,” he says.

With the dilator in place, start practicing squeezing and releasing. “Once the dilator sits comfortably, gently squeeze around it, then fully relax,” Goldstein recommends. “Pay attention to how each action feels. You're building awareness and control of both movements, especially the ability to let go of tension.” Then, gently remove the dilator and see what happens. “Once you're relaxed, slowly withdraw it and notice what happens,” he says. “Some people will see a temporary passive gape; others won't. Don't force the opening or reach for a larger size just to chase that visual.”

Finally, try to make the mind-body connection over time so that, eventually, you can get that gape you’re looking for without the dilator. “As you become familiar with the relaxed sensation, try recalling it without the dilator,” he says. “This is where some people begin developing the control involved in active gaping. Give yourself recovery time between sessions, and take a break if you're sore or irritated.”

What if these tips don’t work?

If you’ve tried these steps and nothing is working, you’ll probably need to make peace with the fact that anal gaping isn’t for you. “All bodies are different, and not everybody will be able to either have anal gaping in a pleasurable way, or to get the dramatic effect we see in porn, and that’s fully okay and doesn't mean that anything is wrong,” Roos says.

Just because you can’t get there doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. “Not everyone can gape,” Goldstein says. “Anatomy, muscle tone, reflexes, and the ability to relax all vary, and some people will never achieve a visible opening, even with practice.”

But if you’re having trouble getting your body to relax enough, anal Botox and pelvic floor therapy are worth trying. “If you're comfortable and enjoying anal play, there's no need to keep going bigger just to achieve a particular look,” he says. “Of course, if you want to go bigger for other reasons, that's a reasonable choice you can make. If you're experiencing persistent tightness, pain, or difficulty relaxing, that's when I recommend seeing an anal health specialist or pelvic floor physical therapist. We can assess what's happening and help you work toward more comfortable function.”

Are there any risks involved in anal gaping?

There are risks involved in anal gaping. But there are also risks involved in a lot of sex acts. You are the only one who can decide if the pleasure outweighs that risk.

For anal gaping in particular, training your body carefully will mitigate many of the risks, but won’t remove them altogether. “Aggressive stretching, oversized toys, inadequate lubrication, and pushing through pain can cause irritation, tears, or more significant injury,” Goldstein says. “Permanent or semi-permanent damage to the sphincter muscles or nerves can happen when you push beyond your limits in a short period of time.”

Temporary anal gaping is normal, but “difficulty closing afterward or new leakage of gas, mucus, or stool,” are signs you need to seek medical attention. “Pain and bleeding are not normal during any kind of anal play,” Goldstein says. “Stop if either occurs, avoid numbing products that could mask an injury, and give yourself time to recover. Persistent pain, recurring bleeding, protruding tissue, or changes in bowel control should be assessed by a clinician. And heavy bleeding or severe abdominal pain warrants a trip to the ER.”

According to Roos, anal gaping puts you at risk for hemorrhoids, anal fissures, and small tears that can make you more susceptible to STIs. “These tears are not only painful, but do also increase the risk of catching an STI, including HIV and Herpes,” she says.

But those risks are worth it to many people, so if you go ahead, don’t forget to take care of your hole before and after. Goldstein recommends healthy bowel habits, a fiber-rich diet, or a supplement, as well as staying hydrated and using a less-is-more philosophy when it comes to douching (with an isotonic, iso-osmolar, pH-balanced solution, not just tap water). And don't forget anal aftercare. “Mild tenderness that fades quickly is normal; anything that lingers, worsens, or changes how your body normally functions is your cue to pause and get it looked at,” he says.