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"Did you know when you bought the ticket that this would be the night the shit went down?"
That's how the unstoppable Kathy Griffin started her Saturday night show at the Event Center at Atlantic City's upscale Borgata, where I'd been sent for a frolicsome gay jaunt full of mirth and mayhem as the casino ups its LGBT outreach. Living up to her promise, Kathy put the "vent" back in Event for two solid hours of gab, though it never got that detailed or nasty; she's a lady--and an Emmy winner--after all.
Vowing that this would be "a night of negativity, gossip, and pussy jokes," she started off with some inquisitive but not evil Bruce Jenner remarks. "I need certainty," asserted Kathy. "We've been watching him evolve, and I want to know which letter or number he is." (She meant of LGBT etc., etc.) She then segued to Oprah and Gayle and clarified, "For the 17 straight men out there, Gayle is Oprah's longtime husband."
And without wasting a second, Kathy addressed Fashion Police (which she quit last week, tweeting, "I do not want to use my comedy to contribute to a culture of unattainable perfection and intolerance towards difference. I want to help women, gay kids, people of color, and anyone who feels underrepresented to have a voice and a LAUGH.")
First off, Kathy told the Borgata crowd that she's shocked over the huge response to her exit. "The ratings were never that high," she said. "It's not exactly Walking Dead." (Well, at this point maybe it is, lol.) But she declared that the gig wasn't right for her because, "I'm not down on putting down photos of women. I'm 54, a feminist, and it's not what I do. If you want me to make fun of 'Justine' Bieber pissing in a bucket, fine, but I'm not gonna say Selena Gomez is ugly. I'm not gonna look at a picture of Lena Dunham and go, 'She's fat. Good night, everybody'. I'd like to make fun more of celebrities' behavior."
Phew! At least famous people's annoying antics are still unsafe from Kathy's tawdry talons. She further revealed that in the heat of so many celebs "twatting" their support for her, Cher called to offer her own wacky vote of confidence. Kathy told the one-named wonder that she didn't want to do a show where you try to think of something bad to say about how Meryl Streep looks. Cher didn't get it and squawked, "If you say something bad about Meryl, you'll answer to me directly, bitch!" Kathy explained that no, she wouldn't--that was the point--and all was well in Cher-land again.
And her show moved on to other pressings topics, like, inevitably, the Kardashians. "Kim is nice," admitted the comic, "but no one's home. Tumbleweeds!"
As for Kanye: "I think he's legit crazy. Real deal crazy. I don't think Kim knows yet the amount of crazy she signed on for. They brought their baby--who was named after a compass--to the front row of New York Fashion Week. The show starts, and the baby loses it! And the baby is dressed in a fur coat, which is some funny shit. How the fuck do you get a fur coat made for a BABY?"
Moving on to a discussion of a way less glam family, the Duggars (the apparently contraception-free haters from 19 and Counting), Kathy remarked, "I feel some empathy for that vagina. It's like Swiss cheese right now. Put some ham and mayo, and it's a sandwich."
When discussing the woman from My 600-lb Life, Kathy had to tread carefully because, after all, she just publicly rejected the chance to make fun of women's looks on a TV show. So she sort of took a squeamishly positive approach, admiring the gal for having a skinny boyfriend who'll respond to demands like, "Come clean my folds!"
There was a great story about Kathy once gesturing to sit next to Maria Shriver at a fancy dinner, upon which the ex Mrs. Schwarzenegger said, "You think after the year I've had and everything I've been through, I'm intimidated by your little jokes? Sit down!"
But I hope Kathy never tries to park her ass next to Taylor Swift, a.k.a. "that self righteous bag of bones, 'Tay Tay.' " Kathy said Swift is gorgeous and perfect and "a mildly good singer," but all her songs are ridiculously angry. "She's kind of like a singing Gwyneth Paltrow to me....What the fuck is she shaking off?...It's not special that you fucked John Mayer. I think my mom fucked him. He is a manwhore."
And then, like magic, it was back to Bruce Jenner, with Kathy noting, "He's like, 'Give me a fucking dress and a wig and get me the fuck out of this family.' I support him whatever letter or number he is. He's got the fucking side pony and the nail polish and he's like, 'Take that, Kris. Ouch.' He's gonna be on Wives With Knives."
As for Barry Manilow: "He talks like The Sopranos--if it was on Logo."
And then we were five minutes into the act, lol.
Thank you, Borgata. Thank you, Kathy. Glad you're still signed on to be the Trashin' Police.