American Horror Story, why did you do that do that do that do that do that to me? This week's Apocalypse episode was one for the books. In a continued flashback to three years before the blast, we learn how Michael came into power, resurrect one of the most beloved characters in the show's herstory and bring in music's most iconic white witch for another glorious musical performance. My heart almost gave out!
After fainting from the shock of seeing her girls back from the dead — or the effects of Michael's growing powers — Cordelia has a vision of the end of the world. Her powers are gone, and as a horde of cannibals tear her apart, a demonic man with a grisly white face (who looks awfully like the vision Mallory saw a few episodes ago) watches, laughing. Is there anything more quintessentially American Horror Story than watching Sarah Paulson scream?
Back at Miss Robichaux's Academy for Exceptional Young Ladies, Myrtle and Cordelia argue about letting Michael attempt the test of the Seven Wonders, and Cordelia reveals that she can feel herself dying, her powers slipping away. They're interrupted by the arrival of their newest student: Coco! Coco's only power, as it hilariously turns out, is detecting gluten, which she's been using to save her brother's life from evil biscotti and as a party trick for the ladies who lunch.
After performing a ritual to help Michael succeed in his upcoming trial, Behold (Billy Porter) and John Henry (Cheyenne Jackson) argue over John Henry's fears in a bitchy catfight that turns magical. John Henry leaves the academy to warn the witches and is swiftly intercepted and burned to a crisp by Miriam (Kathy Bates), who is in cahoots with headmaster Ariel (Jon Jon Briones). Side note: I would fully watch a spinoff series about shady gay warlocks hooking up and using magic to settle their petty drama.
In a nod to the original Coven season, we get another old-timey display of the Seven Wonders, which Michael easily aces. But Cordelia gives his final task a twist: not only does he need to descend into the underworld, he must also rescue Misty Day. That's when I started shaking.
OMFG MISTY IS BACK! Oh girl, we missed you and your shawls. Michael rescues Misty from an eternity of dissecting frogs and returns her to the loving arms of Cordelia and I completely forgot how obvious it was that these two were into each other. I'm hoping that over the course of the season this obvious chemistry becomes an actual relationship — I mean, it's American Horror Story, not some heteronormative NBC drama. Until then I will be scouring the Internet for Misty/Cordelia fan fiction.
As a welcome back from the dead present, Cordelia invites over the white witch, the one and only Stevie Nicks, for another iconic musical performance. Nicks sings the Fleetwood Mac classic "Gypsy" as Misty gets a little misty-eyed. Girl, why you gagging? She brings it to you every season!
Despite naming Michael the next Supreme, Cordelia has an ace up her sleeve: she plans to send Madison to find out everything she can about the shady young warlock's past in hopes that they can defeat him. Behold interrupts, saying that if eavesdropping were profitable he'd be richer than Amazon, and says he's joining the fact finding expedition because he has his own suspicions. Emma Roberts and Billy Porter teaming up to out-bitch one another is literally what we fought for at Stonewall.
A bonus: Murder House! Cordelia is sending her supernatural sleuths to the place where it all began, and I cannot think of a single episode of American Horror Story I've been more excited about than this one. Emma Roberts, Billy Porter and Jessica Lange in one haunted house throwing barbs at each other? Gay rights!
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