Hacks hilariously shows that throuples aren't just about sex

Many people have fantasized about a threesome, but what happens when the threesome comes as a part of a relationship with real emotional stakes? That situation comes to life in the new season of HBO's Hacks.

As background, this season, Ava (Hannah Einbinder) and Deborah (Jean Smart) have moved to Los Angeles for Deborah's late-night show. Ava is the head writer and is struggling to find friends in L.A. During the fourth episode, "I Love LA," Ava is at a sex store trying to buy a dildo as an excuse to avoid her car being towed. There, she bumps into a couple who are buying toys for actual sexual purposes. Her car is towed anyway, but the couple, Emily and Dev, offer her a ride and then ask her out on a date…with both of them.

Two episodes later, Ava is in a full-on throuple with the pair. But the affair proves to be short-lived.

In the episode "Mrs. Table," Ava surprises Emily and Dev by showing up at their house unannounced after a particularly rough day at work. Before Emily can even get a full sentence out, Ava is kissing her. When Emily asks if Ava wants to talk about her bad day, Ava declines, and says she is just there to hook up.

"It kinda feels like this is mostly about sex for you," Dev says.

"Mm… yeah. Is that crazy?" Ava responds.

"We were kind of looking for someone who would connect with us emotionally as well," Dev says.

"Yeah, we're not just sex freaks," Emily adds.

"We did meet at a sex shop…" Ava tries.

Like so many people in real life, Ava has finally realized that being in a throuple isn't just about the sex. The people she's having threesomes with are, well, people. They have emotional needs, and Ava isn't meeting them and doesn't want to. For her, that leads to getting dumped.

I was in a throuple for a couple of years, around 2016-2017. Unlike Ava, I wasn't dumped by both partners, but I was dumped by one. It turns out, keeping a throuple going is a lot harder than it seems. Let me start by saying that, yes, the group sex was amazing. However, the relationship also took a lot of work. A throuple might be double the fun, but it's also double the boundaries, double the communication, and double the effort. It also takes double the chemistry. Even if you communicate and open up, there are now two people whose feelings about you could change instead of just one. It's a lot to balance, and if you're not fully committed, it can fall apart fast.

Psychologist and writer Mark Travers suggests two types of conversations to help throuples survive. The first is the "are we ready to do this" conversation. He suggests to look at past-relationship dynamics and each person's self-awareness and emotional maturity before entering a throuple. The second conversation he suggests is "the regular 'check-in,'" with "regular" being a key word. Travers says that "while open conversations about your expectations and goals are important in any relationship, conversations about the whats, whys, and hows become especially important in non-traditional arrangements," per Forbes.

Watching Hacks, it's clear that Ava didn't have any kind of meaningful conversations with Emily and Dev, let alone deep, emotional ones. She wouldn't even let her partners watch the show she is the head writer for, telling them to "wait for it to get good." For Ava, that would be opening herself to a level of vulnerability she wasn't ready for or looking for.

“She’s in a high-stress job, and I think she’s clearly emotionally unavailable due to her circumstances, so I think it makes a lot of sense,” Hannah Einbinder told TVLine of her character's relationship. “If she’s going to be in anything, I think she’s looking for something that’s low stakes, even though the great irony is that that’s not true for the couple.”

Ava's throuple plot not only gives us another chance to see her as the bisexual disaster she is, but it also hits some familiar notes for anyone who's been in a throuple, or tried to be in one, before. Due to stereotypes about "unicorn hunters" and stories about bad experiences on dating apps, couples looking for a third are often seen as just looking for someone to use for sex. These people make it even harder for those of us looking for a genuine throuple relationship. Some people just want a chance to hook up with two hot people at the same time. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's not the same thing as entering into the committed relationship that a throuple is.

Ava bragged to her ex-girlfriend that she was getting to be her most bisexual self in this throuple. But in denying herself the chance to actually develop feelings for these two people, she was stifling her own romantic and sexual life. One of the beautiful things about being poly is that you don't just have a partner, you have a community. That's exactly what Ava was missing out on.

In Hacks season 4, Ava is deeply lonely. She wishes she had a friend group. Ava is fighting with Deborah, she can't relate to her old peers on political shows, and she can't be friends with the writers because she's their boss. But when she's given the chance to form a relationship with two people who both want her in their lives, she pushes it away.

Amazing sex alone isn't enough to keep a throuple going. If you can't open up and communicate, the relationship, like any other, is doomed. Ava Daniels had to learn that the hard way.

Author Tim Krieder said that in order to be loved, one must "submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known." To be in a throuple, one must submit to being known by an extra person. It's twice the mortification.

Again, I will admit that the hooking up and sex parts of being in a throuple are unquestionably great. However, in the end, it's not nearly as great as being known and loved by two people.

Mey Rude is a staff writer at Out magazine.