American Idol: When Guest Judges Attack

Michael Becker / FOX

That Jonas Bro, whichever one he was, didn't get the memo they sent to this week's guest judges. The others were on the prowl for raw meat to pounce on but he kept it all smiles and press conference pleasant, even if the contestants standing in front of him looked and behaved like someone on Intervention. Maybe if he'd been as rough on auditionees as Avril Lavigne or Katy Perry or Neil Patrick Harris I would have bothered to figure out his name.

Best Judge Antics:

*Avril L. laughing right in the face of the guy in the Paula Poundstone vest. Sorry, let me specify: the first guy in the Paula Poundstone vest. The sweaty one with the lady-face.

*Avril L. making an EWW face at the second guy in the Paula Poundstone vest. A quote: "You're married and have three children?" accompanied by a dismissive, sneering, "That's gross!" tone of voice, face empty of concern or emotion. Every celebrity knows that personal relationships are just concrete boots that drag you down to the pitch black bottom of No-Fame River. Avril just has the PUNK ROCK NERVE to say it out loud.

*Avril L. grilling yet another singer with the bad taste to have a child in tow. "You have an 8 year-old daughter?"she asks. Translation: "Cooties!"

*Katy Perry, when presented with a man of average talent and better than average backstory about being bounced around through the foster care system his entire life, says to all within earshot, "This is not a Lifetime movie, Sweetheart."

*Before that, as Kara sends someone through on a sympathy "Yes," KP says, "Well don't ever put someone through because you feel bad." This is the kind of tough-love woman you want as a friend. She'll always tell you when you have bad breath or when the jeans don't fit you right. No coddling. Your nerves will be shot every time she takes you to lunch, but it's a small price to pay for the truth.

*Neil Patrick Harris laughs openly at joke contestants and calls a former cast member of the Barney show a "dirty little girl." In his defense, she IS a dirty little girl, showing up dressed like a dominatrix. That her parents have accompanied her, probably helping her buckle her hooker boots and holding onto her six-foot whip while she makes sure her makeup is smeared on right is just proof that S&M shocks no one anymore. Bonus moment: Describing herself during the Barney years, the young woman says, "I was innocent and childlike," reminding the audience that just because you're an actual child, innocence and childlike behavior is always merely optional.

-- DAVE WHITE

Previously > Christopher Ciccone Wants Simon Cowell's Job