The Girls Are Mad About Instagram’s Awful Update

Extremely Alyssa Edwards voice: What the fuck is going on here on this day?

Millions of homosexuals across the globe were horrified this morning when they opened Instagram to find a nasty surprise: users would now be required to swipe through posts rather than scroll through their feed. Girls, gays, and theys were understandably furious.

The homophobic implications were clear immediately. No longer would we be able to smoothly scroll through our favorite thirst traps with ease, or double-tap on astrology memes to show our support for Gemini hate. Instead, we'd be forced to swipe through ads for lite beer and Vice like heterosexuals searching for soulmates on Tinder. As a community, we grappled with the knowledge that there was little we could do in the face of Instagram's chokehold on our selfies and, by extension, our very souls.

But the plot thickens: minutes later, the Instagram update was gone for what seems to be most users, vanished quicker than your last Grindr hookup. Instagram swiping lasted about as long as a bad top!

Instagram head Adam Mosseri claimed on Twitter that the update was in fact a test that "went broader than we anticipated."

But do we believe that? Or did queers really shade Instagram into rolling back an update that clearly stood to boost the eyes on their ads and, by extension, their revenue? The power that that has. The intelligence that that has. The clearance that that has. The impact that that has. The access that that has. The influence that that has. The profile that that has. The international implications that that has!

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