Christmas is a gay holiday, facts are facts. A celebration involving presents and tacky decorations centered around a long-haired skinny dude who disappears for three days? Sounds gay to me! And while the yuletide is inherently queer, the gayest part has to be the music. It doesn't really feel like Christmas until you start hearing your favorite holiday bops on the radio -- but not all Christmas songs are created equal.
Here's our official ranking of the gayest Christmas songs...
22. "Christmas Tree" - Lady Gaga
If Ally Maine pivoted back to pop after Jackson's death, this is probably the Christmas song she'd record.
21. “Lohan Holiday (ft. Lindsay Lohan)” - Ali Lohan
Did you know that the lesser Lohan sister has not one but two Christmas albums? Now you do. Listening to this track I can't place Lindsay's voice in the mix, but her name alone lends it power. That reminds me: has anyone seen Ali recently, or did Lindsay try to kidnap her too...
20. The Little Drummer Boy - Jessica Simpson & Ashlee Simpson
I mean, why not.
19. “Make It Jingle” - Big Freedia
Shaking your ass is what the holidays are all about.
18. “Underneath the Tree” - Kelly Clarkson
Do Kelly Clarkson stans deserve rights? Probably not, but this is an absolute bop.
17. “Christmas Time” - Backstreet Boys
Would be better if the music video was them having sex, but sure.
16. “Frosty the Snowman” - Fiona Apple
The happiest Fiona has ever sounded, which kinda weirds me out but we stan.
15. “Pink Christmas” - Slink
Where were you when Angelyn's starred in SSION and Samantha Urbani's Christmas music video?
14. “Step Into Christmas” - Elton John
Great for bottoming on Christmas morning. (Trust me.)
13. “Hard Candy Christmas” - Dolly Parton
What is gayer than a Dolly Parton Christmas song from a movie musical about big-haired sex workers? Nothing, that's what.
12. “Santa Baby” - Eartha Kitt
The definitive rendition of "Santa Baby" and that is not something we're arguing.
11. “River” - Joni Mitchell
People always forget that this is a Christmas song and that is homophobia! Truly insidious.
10. “Merry Christmas, Baby (ft. Dr. John)” - Christina Aguilera
If Bionic had just been this sultry Christmas classic 10 times it would never have flopped.
9. “Carol of the Bells a.k.a. Opera of the Bells” - Destiny’s Child
I'm so sorry Pitch Perfect, but Destiny's Child invented acapella with this seasonal classic.
8. “Nothing for Christmas” - RuPaul
Low budget RuPaul is my favorite RuPaul and that's that on that.
7. “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” - Darlene Love
Phil Spector's A Christmas Gift for You is one of the greatest holiday albums of all time, and despite the many fantastic covers, Darlene Love's original remains untouched.
6. “The First Noel” - Whitney Houston
What had more of an impact on the celebration of Christmas, Jesus's birth or Whitney recording this carol? I think we all know the answer.
5. “Last Christmas” - Wham!
Who hurt George Michael and what is their address? I have a poinsettia arrangement to send.
4. “My Only Wish (This Year)” - Britney Spears
Did we even celebrate Christmas before this song hit the charts? No evidence presented has yet to convince me.
3. “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” - Judy Garland
Christmas torch songs don't get sadder or more beautiful than this.
2. “O Holy Night” - Celine Dion
The only way this iconic cover could be gayer is if there was a house remix of it playing at a GHB-soaked circuit party, and you know what? There probably is.
1.“All I Want for Christmas is You” - Mariah Carey
Were you expecting to reach the end of this list and see any other song? If you were, you're probably a cop. Happy holidays!
