Having just announced the birth of reality TV’s golden child via surrogate, Andy Cohen is no doubt in the market for something every young kid needs: a godmother to coddle, spoil, and watch over him. Thankfully, there’s no shortage of available matriarchs, pseudo-moms, and grown-up debutantes orbiting around Andy Cohen at any given time. I’m talking, of course, about the Real Housewives.
Which wife, pray tell, might be the best option for Ben Cohen’s godmommy? There are a few criteria Cohen should consider when selecting someone for this auspicious-yet-informal role. Is there a wife who is the right mixture of selfless, sensitive, sassy, and stinking rich? Here, dear reader, we investigate which Housewife Cohen should choose to be his Real Godmother.
Kandi Burruss, Real Housewives of Atlanta
If we’re keeping it all the way 100, Kandi might be a perfect choice for the role of godmother. She’s shown over the course of the series that she can evolve as a person. Even when she’s involved in the drama, she’s often a voice of reason and is pretty clear-headed. She could also teach young Ben a thing or two about hustling to make a dollar, as the multi-hyphenate continues every venture possible — producing plays, creating sex toys, and opening restaurants — to keep her coffers full. She often has the urge to get physical in a fight, but always holds back. Honestly, Burruss or bust!
Teresa Giudice, Real Housewives of New Jersey
Giudice has seen so many sides of life. She’s been up (paying for furniture with thousands of dollars in cash) and down (spending time in prison for her ne’er-do-well husband). Through it all, she’s been a doting mother of four (!) girls with whom she is extremely patient, including Milania. The spendthrift-turned-author would definitely be able to impart a ton of life lessons on little Ben. Though she once couldn’t even say sorry, she was able to apologize for flipping a table and calling Danielle Staub a prostitution whore almost a decade later!
Lisa Vanderpump, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
There’s no housewife better suited to spoil young Ben with money or business acumen than Vanderpump, who owns an entire block in West Hollywood and still finds the time to advocate for the lives of dogs internationally. Vanderpump might seem too cold and removed to be a godmother — but she’s also a loving mother. And given that she barely pays attention to her own son Ken, she’ll have plenty of extra time for the little Cohen.
Nene Leakes, RHOA
Bloop bloop, Ben. Who would keep Ben more entertained than Nene? And more than just being laugh-out-loud funny, she’s also a business mogul who has turned herself into a brand. She can teach Ben to monetize everything about himself before the age of 5. And anyone who’s watched RHOA knows that she’s also a great mom to her sons Bryson and Brentt.
Dorinda Medley, Real Housewives of New York
Straight-talking is a skill that any godmother needs and it’s a skill Dorinda Medley brandishes like a weapon. Ben Cohen will no doubt grow up around a fair share of acclaim and “yes men,” and would probably need someone like Medley to “clip” away the bullshit and tell the kid like it is. And, hey, every time Ben has a birthday, count on her to make it nice.
Robyn Dixon, Real Housewives of Potomac
The most down-to-earth of the Potomac crew, Robyn seems like great godmother material. Her relationship with her former husband, professional basketball player Juan Dixon, shows that she has much to teach young Ben about the ways of love. And honestly, I just want to hear her silky, husky voice sing a lullaby.
Sonja Morgan, RHONY
You laugh, but Sonja has a taste for luxury and luxury has a taste for her! Who better to bring the much-needed joie de vivre to young Ben’s life? She may not be the best business-minded woman, but she’ll always be down to cook a toaster-oven-ready meal. As far as things she might be able to teach Ben, no one has had more comebacks than Sonja. However, she’s a little tough to nail down in a conversation and may be a tad loopy for the responsibility. (Also, if Morgan is the godson, Ben is for sure going to grow up gay, so that’s a plus.)
Kyle Richards, RHOBH
Everyone can agree that Kyle Richards would win the Most Prepared Godmother award, right? Every year she’d send you an ornament that says “World’s Greatest Godson” on it. It’d be stamped with the year. She’ll probably buy Ben his first car and fill each of his birthday cards with $1,000.
Bethenny Frankel, RHONY
Frankel is probably a major league godmother, who would no doubt criticize you to perfection. Pluses: she could teach Ben about New York City real estate, which he’ll no doubt be purchasing by his bar mitzvah, and Frankel will definitely pipe up if Ben is about to marry the wrong person. Minuses: that’s a lot of nervous energy!
Cynthia Bailey, RHOA
Cynthia may not be the spiciest ingredient in the RHOA soup, but she’s the necessary base that every other ingredient needs to blend. If Cynthia is as good a stabilizing force in Ben’s life as she is on RHOA, then the kid’s set for life. Also, if Cohen wishes to go down the modeling route, I’m sure she could waive the Bailey Academy’s fee.
Karen Huger, RHOP
Potomac’s Grand Dame is not just the queen of the mid-Atlantic social circle, but she’s also the right mix of master-class shade-thrower and Big Grandmother Energy that every godmother should have. She’s caring but firm, harsh but real. New York City can be stuffy — maybe Ben wants to spend some time north of Washington, D.C. every once in a while?
Vicki Gunvalson, Real Housewives of Orange County
If you don’t watch RHOC, then you probably think Vicki Gunvalson just yells and gaslights constantly, but that’s not true. She’s a loving mother who has been able to outlast every single other housewife in RHOC history. Staying on as a housewife for over a decade takes a unique cadre of skills that I’m not sure many other people in the world have. She could also dole out real world, practical advice about insurance and taxes, which is *invaluable.*
Ramona Singer, RHONY
Things we know about Ramona: she can’t hold a logical conversation to save her life, she loves turtles and is, somehow, the anchor of Real Housewives’ most dramatically complex franchise. Having such a Ramona-coaster as a godmother probably isn’t ideal, but hey, you’ll have stories! Like RHONY, Ramona is an ever-shifting presence who can be hero, villain. She can either throw sand or kindle on the fire. All great things in a housewife, but not ideal in a godmother. But, hey, you’ll have stories!