American society is largely ageist and youth-obsessed, but gay and bi men know what so many people don’t: Daddies are hot.
Women are often judged harshly for showing signs of aging, but the queer community has embraced silver foxes. Daddies are even part of the cultural zeitgeist, with celebrities regularly getting labeled with the moniker.
“Older gays are seen as more mature and calm, and as more educated in all aspects of life,” explains Edward Reese, a gender and sexuality expert at LGBTQ+ dating app Taimi. “Their sexual prowess is promising, as well as their more mature interests and hobbies. Think ancient Greek mentor-student relationships, still popular in our times.”
And it’s easy to see why. Not only is the ruggedness and maturity sexy, but the amount of experience they’ve racked up between the sheets is also a turn-on.
According to Nick Fager, a psychotherapist, sex therapist, and founder of the LGBTQ-inclusive Expansive Therapy, young gay men are attracted to older guys because they “have more stability in their life,” which can be especially attractive if “you didn't feel a sense of safety or support growing up.”
So if you’re looking for the rare combination of stability and the sexual experience needed to help you try new things and become more sexually adventurous, dating an older man might be the answer.
"A lot of younger gay and bi men like to date older men because of what societies, communities, and constructs teaches us of older, masculine, attractive men, and we buy into those notions because they hold validity,” says LGBTQ+ dating expert Anthony Canapi, who is the founder and CEO of the gay matchmaking firm Best Man Dating. “Examples include levels of security, masculinity, safety, being more dominant not only in the bedroom but in life, they are innovators, they take charge, for the most part older men are mature, and overall, they're very sexy.”
If you’re interested in dating or hooking up with an older guy, but have no clue how to find a daddy to date or what to do once you start dating one, don't fret, because these dating experts have 13 tips to get a DILF in your bed in no time.
1. Work on yourself first
Older man.
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“If you're looking to attract older men, keep developing and healing as a person and avoid thinking in terms of saviorism, or someone to rescue you from your struggles,” Fager says. “Develop your own interests, figure out what you enjoy, build friendships, and learn how to take care of yourself.”
Reese agrees, “Show some maturity from your side too. If you’re looking for a serious partner, ready to give something back, not only take. Remember: Therapy is sexy.”
2. Figure out what you want
Intentions are key.
“Before you go daddy hunting on apps or in person, take a moment to reflect on what your intentions are with older men. Is it a sexual thing only? Would you like an older partner? Are you looking for a mentor? Do you feel open to anything that develops? Are any cultural narratives affecting your intentions? Once you get solid within yourself, feel free to share your intentions with the older men you engage with,” Fager says.
Canapi echoes this advice: “Let's be real: Older men are hot! But also, you need to ask yourself: If you are seeking an older man, what is your intention? Are you seeking something short-term, or are you seeking a long-term partner?”
3. Try niche dating apps
“Of course, you can use the apps, such as Grindr and Sniffies. But it's important if you're going to do some older man hunting, you need to go more niche; examples like DaddyHunt,” Canapi says. “Growlr and SilverSingles are great apps to find more older men. But, if you want to also go more broader, you need to do some research and find where most older gay men meet. Whether it's niche meetup groups, going to meetup groups that guarantee a more older demographic, even going to WeHo" for daddy watering holes like Gym Bar or Trunks.
4. Optimize your dating profile
Grindr on a cell phone.
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“On dating apps, complete your bio with something more than your physical stats,” Reese says. “Sure, many DILFs are just looking for casual sex, but outlining your interests might be helpful.”
5. Try scoping out dates in person
“Check your local drag shows, queer movie screenings, art galleries, and community organizations,” Reese says. “Older men love clubbing too, but it’s easier to meet and charm them in quieter places. Also, many of them came out later in life, so they tend to engage in activism and culture to catch up.”
6. Don't be afraid to take the lead
“When it comes to dating, don't be afraid to take the lead. Sometimes older/younger dynamics put more pressure on the older man to take the lead, and that can become exhausting for the older man,” Fager suggests. “Take the pressure off of him and he will likely find this refreshing. Suggest a date or be the first to follow up.”
7. Share your interests
Gay couple.
New Africa/Shutterstock
“One of the benefits of age-gap relationships is the ability to introduce each other to things that might not be familiar,” Fager says. “Your different interests can be a great thing to explore in early dating.”
8. Be aware of generational differences
“When you introduce him to your friends, be mindful that some references might go over his head, and be sure to create space for him and his different experiences,” Fager says. “Your friends will grow to appreciate his perspective if you value it first.”
9. Don’t expect your silver fox to be perfect
“Allow the older man to be human,” Fager recommends. "If you're assuming that just because he's older, he doesn't have his own insecurities, blind spots, and trauma, you're wrong, and you're probably projecting a lot of patriarchal ideals onto him instead of seeing him for who he actually is. If you don't create space for those parts as intimacy builds, the relationship will plateau pretty quickly.”
10. Be yourself
“While dating a silver fox, the most important thing is to stay true to yourself,” Fager says. “You don't need to adjust yourself or your tastes to fit in with an older man, and you want to show that you are someone who is capable of standing on their own two feet. Authenticity is hot.”
Canapi agrees: “Be yourself! If your energies align, it's meant to be, if not, there's more older men for you out there! It may suck in the moment, but you'd be surprised how easily you'll move on.”
11. Check that your future plans align
Calendar
Dmitriy Prayzel/Shutterstock
“I think sometimes, a lot of gay men go into pursuing an older man, but when it gets serious…they don't ask themselves the bigger questions: Do I still want to be married? Does he want to be a father and raise a child? Have I asked myself what would friends and family think of me being with an older man? In the long haul, am I OK with the age difference? Etc. Be sure you know what you want,” Canapi says.
12. Take care of your health
“Start doing regular health check-ups. It’s nice to have all your tests up to date if your partner asks about them,” Reese says. “Also, men’s health clinics can be a good place to meet older men. We’ve heard stories.”
13. Have your own hobbies and interests
“Be an interesting person or at least a good listener,” Reese says. “Your silver fox has a lot to discuss, so having strong communication skills and exciting hobbies will make you stand out. Even if you consider yourself not conventionally attractive, it may not matter much for older men. But a nice talk on a date is always a gem."
Sources cited:
Edward Reese is a gender and sexuality expert at LGBTQ+ dating app Taimi.
Nick Fager is a psychotherapist, sex therapist, and founder of the LGBTQ+-inclusive Expansive Therapy.
Anthony Canapi is an LGBTQ+ dating expert who is also the founder and CEO of the gay matchmaking firm Best Man Dating.
