Sorry Mariah Carey but 2018 has found a new tea queen and his name is Quincy Jones. Ahead of his 85th birthday in March, the songwriter and music legend decided to take the tea pot, smash it over our heads, and set fire to everything we've ever known in literally the most insane interview we've ever read.
There is obviously a lot to unpack and it will take years and at least three doctoral theses on the interview to fully unpack it but here are a handful of quotes on everything from the murder of JFK to the shittiness of The Beatles and U2 to get you reaching for your Life Alert. Strap in because this is a wild, wild ride.
Quincy Jones on Marlon Brando having sex with James Baldwin.
[Marlon] Brando used to go cha-cha dancing with us. He could dance his ass off. He was the most charming motherfucker you ever met. He'd fuck anything. Anything! He'd fuck a mailbox. James Baldwin. Richard Pryor. Marvin Gaye.
Quincy Jones on The Beatles' musical talents.
"They were the worst musicians in the world. They were no-playing motherfuckers. Paul was the worst bass player I ever heard. And Ringo? Don't even talk about it. I remember once we were in the studio with George Martin, and Ringo had taken three hours for a four-bar thing he was trying to fix on a song. He couldn't get it. We said, "Mate, why don't you get some lager and lime, some shepherd's pie, and take an hour-and-a-half and relax a little bit." So he did, and we called Ronnie Verrell, a jazz drummer. Ronnie came in for 15 minutes and tore it up. Ringo comes back and says, "George, can you play it back for me one more time?" So George did, and Ringo says, "That didn't sound so bad." And I said, "Yeah, motherfucker because it ain't you." Great guy, though."
\u201cEveryone sure seems excited about this Quincy Jones interview. Maybe I'll give it a quick rea-\u201d
Quincy Jones on going to Burning Man with Elon Musk.
"Elon Musk keeps trying to get me to go to Burning Man. No thank you."
Quincy Jones on rock music.
"Rock ain't nothing but a white version of rhythm and blues, motherfucker."
Quincy Jones on Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen playing guitar like Jimi Hendrix.
"But you know who sings and plays just like Hendrix? Paul Allen. Yeah, man. I went on a trip on his yacht, and he had David Crosby, Joe Walsh, Sean Lennon -- all those crazy motherfuckers. Then on the last two days, Stevie Wonder came on with his band and made Paul come up and play with him -- he's good, man."
\u201cLive shot of me reading this Quincy Jones article\u201d
"[Chicago mobster Sam] Giancana. The connection was there between Sinatra and the Mafia and Kennedy. Joe Kennedy--he was a bad man--he came to Frank to have him talk to Giancana about getting votes."
Quincy Jones on dating Ivanka Trump (and her legs).
"I used to date Ivanka, you know. Yes, sir. Twelve years ago. Tommy Hilfiger, who was working with my daughter Kidada, said, "Ivanka wants to have dinner with you." I said, "No problem. She's a fine motherfucker." She had the most beautiful legs I ever saw in my life. Wrong father, though."