Porn has conditioned us to think every guy should have a nine-inch member, but that’s just not realistic.
If you have a small penis, you may be worried about your performance in the bedroom, but how you use what’s between your legs is far more important than how big it is — even if our size-obsessed culture has you feeling unnecessary shame about being below average.
Ok, so maybe a size queen isn’t the right partner or hookup for you. That’s fine, there are plenty of fish in the sea. And not only do some people put less of a premium on size, some bottoms even prefer men who don’t have porn-star-sized dicks because anal sex is more comfortable — not to mention you don't have to constantly worry about the looming threat of anal fissures.
Comparison really is the thief of joy, so stop paying attention to what adult film stars — or guys at the gym — are packing and start getting creative in the bedroom. Don’t know where to start? Don’t worry. If you’re not well-endowed, but you still want to be a dynamo in the sack, we have expert-approved tips and tricks so that your next hookup will have their mind blown by your sexual prowess.
What should you do if you're a top and have a small penis?
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The media, porn, and unrealistic expectations within gay hookup culture all contribute to men feeling insecure about their penis size, and while this is an understandable result of living in an image-obsessed society, you’re going to have much better sex if you let go of the shame and stop worrying about how big you are — especially if you’re a top.
“Because pleasure preferences vary enormously, what matters most for great sex isn’t size, it’s communication, confidence, attunement to your partner, creativity, emotional safety, pleasure, and a focus on things besides deep or intense penetration alone,” explains Claudia Johnson, a certified sex therapist and the owner and clinical director of the PNW Sex Therapy Collective in Seattle. “A lot of folks actually prefer shallower penetration, slower pacing, more stimulation around the entrance of the body, or a more full-body sensual experience.”
Jericho Feng, a gay, trans, Asian therapist who has provided LGBTQ-affirming therapy for the past 12 years, tells Out that trans men have some of these same concerns, especially when they have bottom growth, or “clitoral growth that cisgender men might label as a ‘small penis,’” due to being on testosterone.
“If sex is important to connection for the man and he is seeking, let's say, someone to top him, then he might make assumptions based on penis size,” Feng says. “Trans men have ‘a leg up’ because despite packing a small pecker, we have options in the form of strap-ons. Bottom have a size preference? We got you, Babe.”
And if you’re a top with a smaller dick, that probably means you’re better in the sack than you think you are. “A top with a small penis often is more creative, more exploratory, and can frankly be more fun,” he says. “They listen. And because they are listening, they know what you want. Having the keys and directions to the kingdom will make anyone feel confident."
How can you participate in gay hookup culture if you have a small penis?
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Not having a giant dick may have you worried that casual hookups aren't for you and that you’ll be harshly judged on the apps, but what you need to do is get out of your own way, because while not everyone is going to love what you have to offer, plenty will.
"There's more to sex than big dicks, tops, and bottoms,” Feng says. “In fact, learning more about the diversity of sexual desires can lead you to like-minded folks who are compatible to you and your body. Some guys like smaller dicks. Some guys don't center sex all around the size of a penis. The more you know what you like, and what they like, then the more confident you'll feel during sex.”
If you meet someone on a hookup app who is looking for a partner with a porn-star penis, don’t turn into that guy who lies and says he's 6-foot-one because he thinks no one will clock that he’s actually 5-foot-9. You'll just be setting yourself up for disappointment. “Many apps now allow people to post their dimensions,” says Dr. Tom Murray, a licensed sex therapist and relationship expert. “I'm all for honesty and transparency. If someone fetishes large penises, they wouldn't be a good fit.”
Being honest is never a bad idea, but don’t feel like you need to lead with your measurements, and don’t let other people make you feel ashamed of what you’re packing.
“Apologizing for your body before you even begin asking someone out is completely unnecessary,” Johnson says. “We all have individual preferences when it comes to the bodies we’re attracted to, but sexual desire is diverse. If you feel more confident disclosing size before meeting someone, go ahead! Others prefer not to mention it at all. There’s no right or wrong way to do things.”
What is the best way to talk to your partner if they have a small penis?
A banana wrapped in a measuring tape.
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If your partner or hookup has a smaller-than-average penis, there’s no need to point that out. Odds are they already know. Instead, focus the conversation on trying new things and experimenting so that you don’t make them feel unnecessarily self-conscious.
“The goal should never be ‘fixing’ someone’s body,” Johnson says. “Instead of framing it as: 'We need toys because you’re too small,’ try something more like: ‘I think it could be fun to try some new positions/toys with each other.’ Language is powerful. When you frame the conversation as being about both of you rather than their body being inadequate, your partner will be much more receptive and unlikely to feel shame.”
Murray says to try to remind your partner that sex should be about seeking pleasure together and doesn’t have to be more complicated than that.
“The best way to talk about this with a partner is to emphasize that sex is about having fun and feeling good,” Murray says. “Ideally, partners would want to talk about how they can enhance the sexual experience to maximize pleasure.”
Feng also suggests having regular chats about your sex life, but therapy can often bridge the gap if talking gets you nowhere. “Start with a regular check-in around sex and broach topics like being creative in the bedroom,” he says. “If you continuously encounter difficulties with these check-ins, then going to couples therapy may be helpful.”
Sex tips if you have a small penis
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According to Feng, if you have a small penis (or are sleeping with someone who does), you should start exploring sex toys and kinks since “sex is more than just thrusting a penis in a hole.”
“A fun, unique way to do so is exploring erotic media you may not have experienced,” he says. “Ever read Bara comics from Japan? How about erotic historical art (think artist Goh Mishima)? Check out gay events that cater to specific desires like maschalagnia.”
Murray recommends taking some time to try out new sex toys that can bring you and your partner added pleasure. “Some men may find that penis extenders or girth sleeves provide added stimulation,” he says. “Others may want to integrate strap-on dildos to provide the sensation that their partner is seeking.”
Johnson agrees and says sex toys not only add different types of stimulation, but also bring novelty to your sex life. “Penis sleeves, vibrating rings, external vibrators, butt plugs, or realistic dildos are just a few examples of toys you can use to enhance shared pleasure,” she says.
It’s also important to redefine sex because while you probably think your penis is the star of the show, sex doesn’t have to revolve around penetration. Sides have just as much fun as everyone else, so take a page out of their book. “Sex does not equal penetration,” Johnson says. "Oral sex, rimming, mutual masturbation, dirty talk, sensual touching, toy-play, roleplay/kink, emotional intimacy, teasing your partner, etc., are all sex.”
5 best sex positions if you have a small penis
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“Rather than a definitive ‘best’ position, since no single position is superior, look for ones that facilitate intimacy, allow for greater control, create more friction, or permit adjustments to the angles that enhance your shared experience,” Johnson recommends.
But if you’re looking for concrete suggestions, don’t worry, Johnson has plenty of those too:
1. Legs-Up Missionary
“Missionary with receiving partner’s legs lifted or resting on top of top of partner’s shoulders. This allows for more body contact, which can change angles in a way that provides more stimulation. Bonus if you place a pillow underneath their hips. This angles the pelvis upward and can also provide more friction for both parties.”
2. Side-Lying (“Spooning”)
“Both partners lie on their sides, facing the same direction. This position can allow for a slower, more sensual experience that many people describe as less ‘performance-based.’”
3. Seated Straddle
“One partner sits in a chair while the other straddles their legs, facing either forward or backward. This allows the person on top to control depth, speed, angle, etc., while maintaining eye contact and physical connection.”
4. Doggy With Legs Together
“One partner holds their legs together rather than spreading them apart. This can increase friction while not requiring you to penetrate very deeply.”
5. Grinding and Shallow Thrusting Positions
“Many people focus only on depth, but grinding motions and shallower thrusts can create intense pleasure because of the concentration of nerve endings near the entrance of the anus.”
Sources cited:
Claudia Johnson is a certified sex therapist and the owner and clinical director of the PNW Sex Therapy Collective in Seattle.
Jericho Feng is a gay, trans, Asian therapist who has provided LGBTQ+ affirming therapy for the past 12 years.
Dr. Tom Murray is a licensed sex therapist and relationship expert.
