All’s Fair, Ryan Murphy’s absolutely bonkers legal drama on Hulu starring Kim Kardashian, Niecy Nash, Naomi Watts, Teyana Taylor, Sarah Paulson, and Glenn Close, is all set to return to our screens for season 2 this Wednesday, and we’re already mentally preparing ourselves for more insane lines of dialogue.
If you missed season 1, the series follows powerful divorce lawyers as they juggle running an all-female firm with their lavish lifestyles, sex-addict husbands, demented rivals, pregnant mistresses, mysterious deaths, and absolutely lethal drama. But what truly makes the show is the gagworthy dialogue. Is it good? Not exactly. But it’s certainly jaw-dropping. As my mother once said, “Whoever wrote this show doesn’t believe in God.”
Naturally, most of the quotes on this list are uttered by Paulson’s truly unhinged character, Carrington Lane, whose lust for revenge against Kardashian’s Allura, Watts’s Liberty, and Nash’s Emerald has her brainstorming the most maniacal insults imaginable to utter aloud.
So in honor of season 2 premiering this Wednesday, November 4, on Hulu, here are 16 of the most insane quotes from season 1. Fasten your seatbelts.
From Cocktails to cock rings
Naomi Watts as Liberty Ronson on 'All's Fair'
Hulu
“From Cocktails to cock rings, all in one 24-hour period. God, I love my job.” - Liberty
If you were my secretary and you did what you did
Sarah Paulson as Carrington Lane on 'All's Fair'
Hulu
“If you were my secretary and you did what you did, fucking my man while I was married to him, I’d let you finish off your contract eating rubble in a Siberian labor camp.” - Carr
Exxon Valdez jizzed all over your head
Kim Kardashian as Allura Grant and Sarah Paulson as Carrington Lane on 'All's Fair'
Hulu
“Your goddamn hair looks like the fucking Exxon Valdez jizzed all over your head.” - Carr
Those are the facts bitch
Teyona Taylor as Milan on 'All's Fair'
Hulu
“You’re pregnant with that baby because you’re a social climbing cum dump. Those are the facts bitch.” - Carr
Your talented client is capable of hovering his whooseewhatzit
Niecy Nash-Betts as Emerald Greene on 'All's Fair'
Hulu
“Your talented client is capable of hovering his whooseewhatzit over the apex of this device and performing a full squat all the way to the floor. Impressive… An anal stimulator, a favorite of your client’s. And just for size comparison, here it is next to a traffic cone.” - Emerald
I used to rub one out to Jesus
Sarah Paulson as Carrington Lane on 'All's Fair'
Hulu
“I used to rub one out to Jesus. I had a huge lady boner for him. Sunday school was my steam room.” - Carr
Revenge vagina
Niecy Nash-Betts as Emerald Greene on 'All's Fair'
Hulu
“Somebody has a revenge vagina!” - Emerald
You poor discarded cum rag
“How are you holding up, you poor discarded cum rag?” - Carr
Don’t forget to worship his sagging balls
“Don’t forget to worship his sagging balls and gray pubes. Oh, honey, and wait until you get that anal! Has he cum all over your face yet?” - Lee-Ann Hunt (Jessica Simpson)
When are you going to twist off his scrotum
Kim Kardashian as Allura Grant and Naomi Watts as Liberty Ronson on 'All's Fair'
Hulu
“Allura, when are you going to get mad? When are you going to twist off his scrotum and feed it to him in small, raggedy pieces? When are we doing revenge?” - Liberty
Now here he is in fantastic full fetish mode
Niecy Nash-Betts as Emerald Greene on 'All's Fair'
Hulu
“Now here he is in fantastic full fetish mode, dressed as a filthy piggy-piggy. Those people under him are suckling on his piggly-wiggly titties. Or, as they call them on the farm, sow teats.” - Emerald
You know me, I’d do anything for you…except
Sarah Paulson as Carrington Lane on 'All's Fair'
Hulu
“You know me, I’d do anything for you…except represent you. Which I wouldn’t do even if I were penniless and starving on a street corner, forced to blow a priest with chlamydia for a bowl of refried beans.” - Carr
I will personally slather them in A1 Steak Sauce
Sarah Paulson as Carrington Lane and Naomi Watts as Liberty Ronson on 'All's Fair'
Hulu
“You don't give us what we want, everything we want, those eggs will never see the inside of Allura's hoo-ha, because I will personally slather them in A1 Steak Sauce and eat them with a side of fries.” - Carr
Organic and lightly brushed with salmonella and fecal matter.
Sarah Paulson as Carrington Lane on 'All's Fair'
Hulu
“So, in honor of your big milestone, I present you with a fruit basket. Organic and lightly brushed with salmonella and fecal matter. Eat a melon ball and then maybe you can all give the Ozempic you’re mainlining a rest, you fat, treacherous lawn chairs. Fuck all the way off you fucking douchebags. Fuck you you fucking fucks.” - Carr
Cuntburger
Sarah Paulson as Carrington Lane on 'All's Fair'
Hulu
“See you in court, cuntburger.” - Carr
My Pussy was my whole world
“Reminds me of my pussy. My kitty kat who died when I was 5, Mrs. Pussy. She had feline AIDS… My Pussy was my whole world. And when my Pussy died, I kept her in my bed for days, stroking her and talking to her. Of course, my mother, she got so angry. ‘Stop playing with your pussy, Carr,’ she yelled. But I refused to. Even when my Pussy started smelling really bad and got really crusty, I just stayed locked in my room grieving in private because I just couldn’t let go of my Pussy.” - Carr
