Project Runway: Dress Your Family In Mini Bolero Jackets

Barbara Nitke/Lifetime Networks

I wanted Garanimals when I was a kid. Those clothes where you matched the horsey pants to the horsey shirt and suddenly you had a stylish kid outfit. I wanted Garanimals because they were on TV and had commercials where all the kids looked happy. I also wanted Libbyland Dinners for the same reason. (Translation for people not old as hell: they were these child-themed frozen dinners of the 1970s and they were intensely gross.) Meanwhile, my mom bought all our clothes at this janky discount store called Kings that wasn't even as upscale as K-Mart. Also, I was stuck in the "husky" boys section. I had a shitty fashion childhood.

The only tiny person having a shitty fashion childhood on last night's Make A Dress For a Little Girl-themed Runway was Janeane's unfortunate smock recipient. You know that kid was like, "I'M GONNA BE ON PROJECT RUNWAY!!" to all her little friends and now she's going to be shunned when she goes to school today.

Meanwhile, the girl who got Jonathan's weird little dress with the bolero jacket needs to understand right now that being itchy, squozed and uncomfs is all part of looking amazing. What kind of style lies was her Models of the Runway chaperone filling her head with anyway? That kid was a whiner and Jonathan had no business being in the bottom three, if for no other reason than his really great Michael Kors impersonation.

But the biggest disappointment last night wasn't anything fashion-related. It was the lack of actual kid mayhem. I wanted petulant consultations, last-minute mind-change tantrums and pinking shears face-offs. I got none of that, just some squealing. They introduced them, gave the designers their measurements and then went off to Chuck E. Cheese or something. What good is having little brats on to torment the designers if you don't let them do what they do best? A wasted opportunity.

-- DAVE WHITE

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