Welcome to !Hola Papi!, the advice column where John Paul Brammer helps people work through their anxieties, fears, and life's queerest questions. If you need advice, send him a question at holapapiletters@gmail.com.
!Hola Papi!
My mother has written a novel. I'm really proud of her, and I know she's enjoying writing again and having something outside of her job, which she hates, to feel accomplished in. She keeps asking me for advice on certain sections of the novel and I've been happy to help, but here's the problem: She's started asking for help for her gay sex scenes.
We do not have that sort of relationship. She knows I'm gay, but we've never, ever discussed sex except in an abstract way.
How do I tell my mum that I don't want to read her sex scenes and give feedback?
Signed,
Prude Student
Hey there, PS!
I know this word gets thrown around a lot, but your mom isiconic. I can totally see why you wouldn't want to be her consultant for gay sex scenes, and you are well within your rights to say it makes you uncomfortable. But wow. A legend.
I hope you don't hold it against me, PS, but I find myself wanting to know more about the content of this book. I like the idea of it low-key being a masterclass in portraying physical homosexual intimacy. Andre Aciman is hastily throwing his belongings into his Floto leather suitcase in his Italian villa. He knows it will soon be over for him.
In any case, this question is right up my alley. I used to write erotica myself, not because I really wanted to. When I was trying to make ends meet after being let go from my first job in New York, I started working for a sketchy twink based in Prague who sent me assignments over Skype and had me type up hot and heavy recaps of gay porn. It's not an easy task. You have to balance good prose with smut. It's hard! Just like the dicks I had to write about.
But enough about me. My advice would be to direct your mom to some writing groups where she can share her work, get constructive feedback, and connect with other writers. There's a dedicated subreddit for this, for example. There are also "erotica for women" groups on Goodreads. The one titled "Simply Smut" looks promising. Writing can be a great way to make new friends and improve your work amongst your peers! She should go explore.
Oh, and I wanted to add that I really love how proud you are of your mom for doing this. It really speaks to your relationship, and I wish more people had one like that. You supporting her passions makes my heart melt, especially considering the stigma against women writing erotica and against erotica in general. It's a valid form of writing that too often gets dismissed, probably because people hate it when women, especially older women, express any kind of agency over their sexuality.
But yeah, you probably shouldn't be hitting up your gay son to be an in-house consultant on the steamy same-sex love scenes. Tell her you love her and support her endeavors, but you're not comfortable with providing that kind of feedback. Direct her to online communities, or encourage her to find an IRL one locally.
Also, please, please tell her to send some samples to holapapiletters@gmail.com and I will be happy to "give advice" in the form of reviewing them right here in this column.
Con mucho amor,
Papi
My Mom Is Writing Erotica. She Wants Help With Her Gay Sex Scenes
In this installment of our advice column, ¡Hola Papi!, John Paul Brammer stans your mom.