Got a question that would scandalize your group chat? That’s what this column is for. Go Ask Alex is an anonymous space for queer readers to ask the questions they’re afraid to ask anyone else — about sex, love, life, and everything in between. It’s judgment-free and completely anonymous.
A guy has been keeping me in his orbit for the last six months. When we met, it was an instant, intense connection. He was mysterious, charming, and I got hooked. After the initial buzz, we didn’t see each other for a little while. We’d chat for hours on the phone, and I was pretty clear that I had feelings for him.
This week he invited me to an event. Five minutes before arriving, he texted to say his friend was coming. As the day went on, it was pretty clear they were more than friends. I asked him if they were on a date, and he denied it. I felt paranoid. Then a few hours later, it was clearly a date: kissing, touching. For whatever reason, I’d been invited to a front-row seat to watch.
When I confronted him again, he denied it. Said I was weird. He stormed off, leaving the other person and me to talk. Turns out that they had met two weeks ago; he’d pretty much moved in with them, they'd had an instant, intense connection, and they had no clue I would be there either. It was a total shit show. When he came back, he turned it on me, saying I was ungrateful for being invited and rude. I left.
Two days later, he’s back in my DMs, telling me he’s sorry and that it wasn’t a date, they aren’t an item, and never will be. I’m still in touch with the other person, and he doesn’t realize I know he’s texting them, still saying I apologized for being a drama queen and asking what they are up to.
I'm pretty sure this was some kind of triangulation setup. It’s really dysregulated me. I’ve never experienced that kind of cruel behavior. What kinda kick does someone get out of acting so cold? I’m struggling to understand how someone can lie with such ease. I have this habit of always seeing the best in people. How do I avoid these people in the future?!
Hey friend,
I'm gay, so I instinctively read your message through a gay lens and thought: Hey, that's gay men. Then I corrected myself. Forgive me: I can't and won't assume your gender.
In gay land, with gay rules, he was still callous and dishonest, but there is a facet of gay male culture that is both delightful and hard to explain: the boundary between "friend" and "lover" is often blurrier, and we all accept this. Many great connections exist in the huge gray area between casual acquaintance and romantic partner; in most cases, we just call these "friendships," and most of us consider this a good, beautiful part of gay life. So if it were all gay men in this scenario, there'd be some plausibility to what he says: they may be sleeping together and living together, AND he may sincerely not define them as an item. I met two gay men yesterday who moved in together and have been having sex for weeks, but when I asked if they're “together,” they laughed nervously and said, "Um, we're just hanging out." Gay culture!
Your question really isn't about this messy, disastrous event. It's about what happened after: his overt dishonesty.
I don't know what was going on in his head at that event. You mentioned triangulation, which comes from psychiatrist Murray Bowen, who notes in his work that tension in a two-person relationship often gets offloaded onto a third person to relieve the pressure. That's a real, observable thing that happens in many relationships, but classic triangulation usually depends on keeping the two other people apart so they can't compare notes. He put you both in the same room. Less than calculating and deceitful, he just sounds a little callous and careless. Maybe he was trying to figure out some kind of three-way sexual situation. Maybe he was deluded. Maybe he just wanted to show off. Who knows?
But two days later, he told you there's nothing between him and this other person. You know that's false. He is telling each of you something false. That's a choice. Regardless of his intentions, he did the toxic thing, the gaslighting pattern therapists recognize as DARVO, that we so associate with abusive partners because it is such a hallmark of bullying, toxic, manipulative communication: deny, attack, reverse victim and offender (DARVO).
This pattern was identified by psychologist Jennifer Freyd: deny it happened, attack the person who noticed, then flip the roles so the one who is hurt looks like the one causing trouble. Researchers have tested this on people. Exposure to DARVO makes observers see the real victim as less believable and the perpetrator as less at fault, even when they know what DARVO is.
That's bad. We don't date those kinds of people. Kick him to the curb. To answer your questions: What kinda kick does someone get out of acting so cold? And: How do I avoid these people in the future?! The kick isn't necessarily cruelty for its own sake. They've just learned that when someone's upset with them, the fastest way out is to make that person feel like the unreasonable one. A lot of people do this; it's a known bullying communication tactic. We can ask where bad behavior comes from (trauma, it's all trauma), but that doesn't excuse it when it comes. As adults, we simply don't date people who do it.
How to stop this from happening again? You mostly can't. Babe, you will get your heart broken again. You will be mistreated again. The only thing you can learn from this is how to leave, how to cut off communication, at the right time. Stop texting him. When other guys do this, stop texting them.
Researchers at UCLA showed people short video clips of strangers and asked them to guess how manipulative each person seemed, then checked those guesses against how the strangers themselves had actually scored on psychopathy tests. The people doing the guessing who scored highest in general trust were the worst at spotting the strangers who scored highest in psychopathy. In other words, the more trusting someone was, the less able they were to see manipulation for what it was.
That’s life. That’s living in a world of people. This isn't a personal failing you can train out of yourself with more vigilance. Kind, honest, trusting people get targeted because they're kind, honest, and trusting.
It might be tempting, then, to be more guarded, more wary, slower to trust, but I believe that costs you more, in the end, in life, than the occasional lie from an asshole. Put differently: I think it pays off more to be kind and trusting and believe in others' best selves than in their worst selves, because what you believe in people will manifest. Believing others can be better can make them better; the people around you will be boosted by you, emboldened by you to be generous and kind. That belief comes with the occasional cost that people will let you down, and you must suffer that. The reward in being as you are is greater.
Now, going forward: If you ever think someone is lying to your face, turn on your heel and leave.
Hey there! I’m Alexander Cheves. I’m a sex writer and former sex worker—I worked in the business for over 12 years. You can read my sex-and-culture column Last Call in Out and my book My Love Is a Beast: Confessions, from Unbound Edition Press. But be warned: Kirkus Reviews says the book is "not for squeamish readers.”
Here, I’m offering sex and relationship advice to Out’s readers. Send your question to askbeastly@gmail.com
