Good morning, queers, and prayers that your All Stars finale hangover isn't too biting. We write to you today with solemn news: while we love Trixie Mattel with all our hearts and absolutely think she is a deserving All Stars winner, it's hard to deny that things did not end last night as justice would have had them. Here's what should have happened instead:
In what proved to be by far the pettiest season yet, the eliminated queens stopped Shangela, the remaining queen with the best track record of the season and the most consistent drive to win, from entering the final two. Shangie absolutely slayed the choreo challenge in this episode (though, to be fair, they all slayed, and that video gave us violent chills) and has remained a ray of light and force to be reckoned with all season—it's really her crown, snatched from her luscious locks by the vendettas of the other eliminated queens.
So Shangela should have won, but when it was Kennedy and Trixie that advanced to the final two, we initially thought the winner would have to be Trixie. Don't get us wrong, we'll always have a soft spot for Kennedy—she's an amazing performer, very funny, and very strange—but she's simply not the rightful winner of a season that saw her in the bottom so often. Then we saw the lip sync to "Wrecking Ball," where Kennedy transcended into a windswept goddess pirhouetting through the air while Trixie did a simple crumble to her knees (we know Trixie's forte isn't lip syncing, but honey, if there was ever a time to take some risks, it was now, honey.) So after watching that lip sync, we couldn't help but declare the impossible: based off of that performance, Kennedy deserved to win.
But if we're being truly honest, here's what Ru should have actually said last night: "The winner... of All Stars 3 is... BenDeLaCreme." She should then have turned around, looked DeLa square in the tits, and explained: "Based off of the outfit and hat you showed up in tonight, which is easily one of the top three ever in Drag Race history, we've decided to force the crown upon you anyway, like it or not." To which DeLa would have screeched until a giant lizard burst out of her and ate everyone, like that Family Guy parody of America's Next Top Model.
— mae (@katyadoredelrio) March 16, 2018
To reiterate: Trixie is one of our favorite queens in the world, and may even sometimes be our number one. She did deserve this, and she had an amazing comeback story on the season. We're happy for her. But justice has not been served. Trixie is already doing amazing things. Shangela deserved this, too, and she needed it. We now pray for Shangie to have a number one pop album and a Grammy or two. It's what is right.