Go Ask Alex: I opened my relationship and now I feel left out. Help!

Hey Alex,

I met my partner just under two years ago. We started monogamous, but recently opened up our relationship. The main reason for this was that our sex life seemed to drop off a cliff, and I was curious whether this was because my boyfriend was no longer getting the excitement he got from spontaneous and anonymous fun. I was always the one instigating sex, and he often would find an excuse as to why he didn’t want to engage in any sexual activity for numerous reasons (tired or not prepared were the top excuses).

I put the idea to him of opening up, and he was hesitant to start, then quickly seemed to enjoy getting back into anonymous fun, including hosting glory holes, getting loaded by several guys in one night, and cruising in public areas, like parks. Most, if not all, of this happened when I wasn’t home either.

I find the idea of him with somebody else hot. I think it might be a bit of a cuck fantasy/kink of mine. But one of my “open” requirements was the need to talk about things he’s doing — again, mainly because I find it hot to hear, but also because it alleviates some anxiety knowing he’s comfortable talking about things with me.

One of the issues we had early on was that I felt like he was ashamed about these things he’s into, and I’m a big advocate for celebrating the thrill and joy of sex as long as everyone’s consenting and emotionally, physically, and psychologically safe. I always try to encourage him not to feel ashamed about this stuff and just to enjoy himself and explore as much as he wants.

As I said, one of the conditions we set was to talk proactively about things he’s doing, to almost bring me into it, even if I’m not there. It helps both sexually and practically.

Recently, I went away on my own and noticed he wasn’t as responsive as he’d usually be on a day off. I checked his location on my phone, which we both have access to, and found he was at a cruising spot he likes to go to. When he goes there, I feel like he’s solely focused on his own needs and almost disassociates or disconnects from me emotionally and isn’t responsive. I’ve raised this to him previously when he went out cruising for hours in the middle of the night, and I woke feeling panicked for his safety and not knowing what was happening — I always wonder if he’s been picked up by the police or beaten up.

When it comes to me, he’s expressed not being interested in hearing what I get up to. I’m a little less adventurous than he is and prefer some good group bedroom fun and find the public stuff too scary. But I’m pretty open-minded. So I keep my own activities to myself, and he never asks, so I never tell him anything.

My question is, I’m struggling with the idea of him cruising. It feels scary to me, and I also get so jealous that he’s not told me or instigated it with me. I also wish I could see it or be there or be involved in some way.

I feel like this is tearing our relationship apart, and it’s becoming a recurring nightmare for me that I won’t be able to tolerate this in the years to come if we continue our relationship. I love him so much, and I want to accept every part of him, particularly his deepest darkest desires and all his kinks included!

What should I do to keep us together and keep us strong? Can we make this work, or should I cut and run?

All the best,

J.

Hey J.,

There are not many dealbreakers in love — hurdles that can’t be overcome — but one I firmly believe in is the fundamental incompatibility of two people wanting different kinds of relationships.

To have a successful relationship, both parties must agree to the same terms, the same rules, the same amount of disclosure, or else be flexible and willing to bend to their partner’s needs. It sounds like you’re willing to bend — you already have — and he’s not done his part to do the same. He’s not met your need for full disclosure.

Neither of you is wrong, but it sounds like you might want different kinds of relationship — you might be at the dealbreaker. Your version of “open relationship” and his version might be two different things.

It seems like the practice of sharing what you’re both doing sexually is something you need, and he might be one of the (many) guys who would rather not do this.

In this regard, I admit, I’m on his side here. Why be open if you’re both not free to pursue your own sex without the other person’s involvement? Needing a play-by-play of his activities doesn’t sound very open to me — the sex is still “with” each other, even if the other person isn’t actually there. It is kind of like forcing him into your cuckold fantasy, which he just might not be into.

You don’t really sound that comfortable with an open relationship. You sound like you want to watch him have sex with other guys, or at least hear all the juicy details about it, which is not the same thing.

Why permit freedom if you’re going to do the creepy stalker-boyfriend thing and check his live location when he’s not immediately responsive to your texts? What if he was just busy mowing the lawn? Do you expect the same degree of responsiveness every time? Doesn’t your reaction seem a little problematic?

Why give him the liberty of going cruising if you need text updates as it happens? I’m sorry, but if he really did that, it would probably ruin the experience for him. When I go cruising, I’m not on my phone — I’m cruising. Public cruising is fun in part because it’s a welcome break from screens and the increasingly digital world of gay sex. You’re forcing yourself into an experience that isn’t about you — by design. When he’s there, it’s for his pleasure, his own private sex life, and why shouldn’t it be? He’s cruising for himself, not you.

Open relationships work best when both parties agree that everyone deserves their own private sex life. To really be open, you need to trust him — trust that he’ll be safe, and that he’ll tell you when you need to get checked for an STI or something. If you can’t do that — if you can’t surrender him to his own sexual autonomy, his own privacy — then I don’t know if I’d recommend an open relationship for you.

And that’s OK! Many guys don’t want open relationships, and open relationships are not the gold standard of gay love — they’re just one version of it. Many guys aren’t comfortable with it. In fact, many reading this will be entirely on your side. Many like the idea of going open, but to assuage their fear and jealousy, they want all the details. This gives them a sense of involvement and (let’s call it what it is) control over their partner’s sex life. Interestingly, many find that when they get these details, they feel more jealous, not less.

That’s because they don’t actually want an open relationship — they just like the idea of their partner banging (or getting banged by) other hot guys. That’s a separate kink, a separate fantasy — and a different kind of nonmonogamy. You can chalk his resistance up to shame or whatever psychoanalysis you want to project onto him, but he just might not want to tell you this stuff.

Regardless of why he’s resisting, it’s still a valid need — something you require in order to feel secure in your relationship — so your options are the same. You both must agree to the terms and keep them, or one of you must adjust to the other, or you should split.

You’ve already tried the first, and he’s not followed through — he’s not kept to the terms. You can try option two — adjustment — which should come from both of you. You might have to adjust to not getting every detail, and he might have to adjust to supplying some information. But if that doesn’t work, you should break up.

I don’t say that lightly, but it’s true. To be compatible, it’s not enough for both people to be nonmonogamous. You have to both agree to the same kind of nonmonogamy.

So-called “open relationships” vary. Some are what I call “free-range,” fully open ones, where both partners are free to pursue their own sex lives with or without the other person’s knowledge or involvement. At the other end of the spectrum are partners who sometimes pick up a third at a bar and play together, or make various special allowances and permissions: They only allow sex with others while on vacation, or they allow blowjobs but no penetration, or they permit one-time sexual encounters but no repeats — things like that.

The advice columnist — and my friend — Dan Savage calls this latter group monogamish. These couples allow outside sex within specific parameters but are not fully open. “Open” is — at least in my mind — without rules like these, where both are free to do what they want, when they want, with or without telling each other.

You sound like you want something closer to “monogamish,” and that’s OK. He can either agree to that or not. You can either adjust to the way he does things, or you can’t. And if neither of you is willing to bend to the other or agree to the same terms and follow through with them, you’re at the dealbreaker, because that means you want two different kinds of relationships.

You need to talk to him honestly about all this, and if he’s unwilling to do that — if he really is too closed-off and ashamed even to discuss his needs — cut and run.

Every week, Alexander Cheves answers a personal question in Go Ask Alex. A writer and former sex worker, he spent more than a decade in adult businesses — from writing about pleasure products to directing (ahem) videos. He also writes the sex and culture column Last Call in Out.

Cheves is the author of My Love Is a Beast: Confessions, an award-winning erotic memoir told through a series of literary essays, weaving explicit personal experiences with meditations on identity and the body. Kirkus Reviews called it “not for squeamish readers.”

Cheves has spoken at the International AIDS Conference, SXSW, and the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai, and has appeared on numerous podcasts. To send a question, email askbeastly@gmail.com.