Beware of 'benching'! Experts unpack the toxic dating trend and its LGBTQ+ impact

What is 'benching'?

“Benching” is a sports term being used to describe a toxic dating tactic where someone strategically tries to keep their options open while keeping you on the hook. “Benching is when someone keeps a romantic interest on the sidelines, baiting them with the possibility of more, holding that attention so they don't move on to someone else, but never fully committing to anything real,” says Dr. Jenni Skyler, resident sex and relationship therapist for popular adult toy seller Adam & Eve.

If you don’t know anything about sports, a player gets “benched” when they aren’t good enough to be on the field or court, but the coach decides to keep you on the team. With “benching,” the idea is pretty much the same.

“They wait eagerly on the bench during a game for a chance to go in and prove themselves. Benching in dating is the same,” says psychotherapist Nick Fager, founder of the LGBTQ-inclusive Expansive Therapy. “If someone is keeping a roster of potential partners, there are the ones that they are actively dating (in the game), and the ones that they are keeping on the bench, not actively dating but giving just enough contact to make them feel that they are still on the team.”

In dating as in life, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Benching seems to be gaining popularity as a toxic dating technique right now, but the idea has been around for a decade. In 2016, Teen Vogue identified it as a “cruel new dating trend that’s worse than ghosting” because the “ghost kept coming back to haunt you. Now “benching” has returned with a vengeance — if it ever really really went away in the first place.

What are common signs of 'benching'?

You’ve probably been put on someone’s “bench” if communication is sporadic and they disappear frequently and reappear later with a “hey stranger” type of text.

“The facade of connection via a well-timed compliment or a flirtatious message is bait and deliberately delivered to maintain control over another person's emotions. This control is toxic,” Skyler says.

Someone benching likely won't follow through on plans they were previously excited about, they may run hot and cold when you’re actually together, and the relationship doesn't progress to the next stage.

“This is toxic because the person is attempting to give the impression in those brief moments that they are really interested and engaged, when in reality you are more of an afterthought,” Fager explains.

Christian Bumpous, a licensed psychotherapist and the founder of Therapie, has spent the last 12 years working with the LGBTQ+ community, and has run into this phenomenon frequently with his clients. “It's like a Vegas slot machine,” he says. "It's the stickiest thing that we struggle to let go of because that reward is intermittent and unpredictable. That type of reward is the most compelling reward that our brain enjoys.”

The ambiguity of never knowing where you stand, and the fact that the person never has to actually end things if the relationship was never defined to begin with, makes benching particularly painful. “With clients, I see that usually there's a lot of suffering that comes with benching,” Bumpous says. “They’re the ones that are being dragged around. The person that's doing the benching really has almost no negative side effects because they might have multiple people that they're doing this with at the same time.”

How is it different from ghosting?

While ghosting means the person disappears from your life without explanation, someone who has benched you will keep communication open just enough to keep you on the hook. Fager says it’s “more toxic than ghosting because there is usually a manipulative element to it, as opposed to just disengaging altogether.”

The modern dating landscape can seem dystopian with toxic dating trends like shrekking, throning, and banksying more commonplace than ever, but while ghosting is thoughtless, at least you have a clean slate. Benching manipulatively strings you along so that you stay engaged and don’t commit to another person.

Ghosting "might be painful and cruel in its own right, but usually that is a one-time process, as opposed to benching, which is more of a slow drip,” Bumpous says. “With benching, the person sticks around long enough and intensely enough that the person that's being benched is thinking, ‘Well, maybe this can turn into something,’ as opposed to your ghosting. It's usually a once and done.”

How does ‘benching’ impact LGBTQ+ daters?

Benching seems to be a pretty universal tactic that is just as prevalent with queer daters as with their straight counterparts, but LGBTQ+ people may be impacted by the manipulative technique in unique ways.

“There are plenty of cases where queer people have very poor self-esteem based on many years of discrimination and minority stress, and that plays out in clinging to relational dynamics that are clearly not good for them, such as benching,” Fager says. “Often these people will blame themselves for being benched, instead of seeing the dynamic for what it is. In this case, queer therapy or some form of affirming healing work is probably best.”

On the other hand, Fager also thinks queer daters may have an easier time talking about this kind of issue. “I actually think one of the gifts of being queer is that we are forced to learn how to speak about uncomfortable things, and so often my queer clients are less afraid to speak to a dynamic that isn't working for them,” he says.

Sometimes, other issues common to the LGBTQ+ community may get mislabeled as benching when something else entirely is going on. “I would also argue that if somebody is not fully out, their own ambivalence about visibility can look and feel exactly like benching,” Bumpous says. “All those things are not something that I see with my straight clients because those are not things that they typically need to navigate.”

Skyler also points out that if you are more focused on casual sex than trying to have an ongoing relationship, you need to communicate that so adding someone to your hookup roster doesn’t get misinterpreted as benching. “In those instances, it's important to be really clear about your intentions so both parties can make informed choices,” she says.

Why would someone do this to you?

The seemingly never-ending options on dating apps mean that more and more people are afraid to commit in case someone they deem to be better comes along. “It's usually about the person doing the benching, whether they have a fear of commitment, or learned that dating is an endless pool of options to swipe amongst,” Skyler says. “Some have fears of conflict and can't end things, or fears of being abandoned, so they keep too many options open — like multiple pots going on the stove.”

Bumpous says while some do this simply to keep their options open, most people benching you are not doing it “with malice or malintent” but are probably attempting to take the path of least resistance because they are avoidantly attached or are trying to manage their own emotions by holding you at arm’s length.

“Sometimes, this can also go hand in hand with conflict avoidance, where a person might be really fearful to deliver some hard news and tell somebody no and be definitive about it,” he says. “Extending a continual maybe might feel easier and might feel like they're not letting the other person down, but again, that's a very shortsighted thing or shortsighted way to look at it.”

But Fager thinks things are simpler than that. It all boils down to the sage advice Miranda Hobbes once got on Sex and the City: “You are likely being benched simply because the person isn't that into you,” Fager says. “They might not be into anyone, but rather using apps to patch together a sense of validation and safety, at your expense.”

What should you do if you suspect your partner is ‘benching’ you?

The first step is recognizing that the person you are dating is benching you, but once you see the pattern, try to guard against blaming yourself for the problem. “Oftentimes, I find my clients getting stuck with the question of, what's wrong with me? And I really try to steer them in the direction of looking outside of themselves and the pattern that's being created,” Bumpous says.

According to Bumpous, benching often means you are mismatched in your level of investment in the relationship, and that means you probably need to cut ties. “There might be one person that's actively wanting to build and pursue, while the other person is really just keeping the door open just in case,” he says. “Ultimately, that's helpful information to have and to understand, and it's not about a referendum on your self-worth and more about the other person's avoidance of ambivalence. It might tell you how you should pursue here, namely maybe find somebody else.”

Fager says that benchers make it “almost impossible to bring any realness or complexity into the texts or DMs because of the scarcity of contact,” and the dynamic often plays into self-esteem issues and anxiety, so you have to take a step back and ask yourself if this relationship is working for you.

“You want to focus less on changing the person and their behavior, and more on stating the truth,” he recommends. “Instead of playing into the dynamic that they have created, you can simply reflect it back to the person and share the bar they need to get to in order to engage with you. It might sound something like, ‘I'm noticing your communication with me is pretty inconsistent. I’m looking for something more consistent and engaging. If you're into that great, if not no worries at all, and good luck out there.’”

Ask for honesty and a commitment and if they can’t offer you that, then be prepared to walk away. “It's up to the person being benched to do some inner work to find their confidence and self-worth and say no to this toxic behavior,” Skyler says. “Everyone deserves honesty, trust and rapport when building the foundations of a relationship. If you really like the person, tell them you want more consistency and commitment, and give yourself a timeline and boundary for the bencher to make changes and show up.”

Sources cited:

Dr. Jenni Skyler is the resident sex and relationship therapist for Adam & Eve.

Nick Fager is a psychotherapist and founder of the LGBTQ-inclusive Expansive Therapy.

Christian Bumpous is a psychotherapist and the founder of Therapie.