The rise in popularity of dating apps means that finding someone down for a quick hookup has never been easier, but finding a genuine connection has never felt more out of reach. For those who are queer and kinky, securing true love can feel as impossible as finding a needle in a haystack.
If you’re into some spanking or occasionally like to be told what to do in the bedroom, that’s one thing. But if, like many people, kink is intrinsically linked to your experience of sex, trying to deny that part of yourself in the hopes of being more palatable to a larger pool of daters is probably going to leave you with an unfulfilling sex life.
LT Hawk — a Black, trans-nonbinary, radical pleasure-based sex educator, artist, kink performer, and activist — says that being in a kinky relationship is “nonnegotiable” for them. Otherwise, they would be hiding a huge part of who they are.
“I just wouldn’t be showing up as myself, and it would suppress a lot of the total development of who I am,” Hawk says. “I’ve learned so many lessons about myself…and how I communicate with people and how I learn to be transparent. There are so many things I’ve learned from the experience, so I just couldn’t suppress it.”
Kink has infiltrated pop culture — think of the popularity of Babygirl and Pillion or the discourse around Heated Rivalry’s Ilya Rozanov being a soft dom — and the average vanilla person likely knows far more about kink than they did even a decade ago. But dating someone who is kinky requires not only an understanding of sexuality, but also community.
Topher Cusumanocourtesy
“I’m in a really healthy kink-based relationship right now. And when I say ‘kink-based,’ I mean that kink is a part of the vocabulary of, yes, our intimacy, but also our life and our friend group within the kink spaces,” says Daddy TV cofounder Topher Cusumano, a sex and sexual health writer who produces shows about queer sex and kink. “Finding someone who…socially mirrors where you want to be in the kink scene is really nice.”
If denying this huge part of yourself isn’t a realistic option, then how do you find love within the kink community instead?
Hawk recommends starting with the dating app Feeld, which advertises itself as connecting “open-minded people exploring love, desire, and alternative relationships in a safe, inclusive space.” But you’ll probably have the best luck if you physically put yourself in kink-centered spaces. Tap into your local kink community and start going to socials, workshops, or “munches.”A munch, or a meeting over lunch, is a casual, non-sexual way to meet people who are also interested in kink, fetishes, or alternative relationship styles and is usually held at a local restaurant or café.
“I think that those are great places to meet people who are in the community or are exploring the community,” Hawk says. “And then, it’s not play-focused; it is conversational-focused and relational-focused, so you’re able to get to know someone or ask them questions.”
Or get niche with it. If you’re looking for a leather daddy, check out the leather bar scene in your area. If you’re into shibari, take a class, or just start cruising for kinky people on Instagram, recommends Lucie Fielding, a queer leather dyke and sex therapist who is the author of Trans Sex: Nurturing Erotic Embodiment and Gender-Pleasure.
“I think there is something so gorgeous about showing up to workshops and getting involved in leather spaces and at leather events and kink events,” Fielding says. “You’ll start seeing the same people, start building relationships. And there will be cruising; there will be thirstiness on Instagram. I would say, be bold — it doesn’t hurt to slide into someone’s DMs.”
Play parties can also be a great place to find people whose kinks overlap with yours. “I’m a big proponent of ‘closed mouths don’t get fed,’” Cusumano says. “I find that a lot of people talk about being single, and then they kind of just hope, someday, someone comes [along] and dates them. When I was single, I would run around parties and text friends and be like, ‘Hey, I’m single, and I would like to date. Who do you know that’s single? Who do you know at this party right now that’s single?’”
Lucie FieldingCat Gold
It’s also worth keeping in mind that it might be unrealistic to seek out a partner who shares every single one of your kinks. If you’re willing to consider some form of ethical non-monogamy, the pool of daters gets bigger, and the kinky world becomes your oyster.
Fielding takes that approach in her own relationship, saying of her partner, “She’s very happy that I’m enjoying playing with people that scratch an itch.” “Some people are just, like, not into feet, or they’re not into lactation, or they’re not into blood — or they’re into needle play, but they aren’t into scalpel play or suturing. And so, yeah, I think there [are] a lot of opportunities for those other kinks that might not be in alignment,” she says.
It could also be that “your ideal life partner and your ideal kink partner may not always be the same person,” since dealing with the stressful or mundane parts of life can make it harder to buy into the fantasy, Cusumano says.
“You might want to hold on to certain aspects of that fantasy…that are frankly harder and harder to sustain when you’re like, ‘Oh, I’m washing this guy’s underwear sometimes now,’ or ‘We have to figure out what we’re going to have for dinner,’” he says.
Negotiating some level of ethical non-monogamy with your partner will allow you to explore kinks that you don’t share — or feel more excited to share with someone else. “I’ve seen mixed kink relationships work really well, where one is a pup and one is a fisting top…and they make it work through shared kink spaces where they can support each other, get to know each other’s casual partners, make it more of a social engagement and less some sort of gross taboo,” Cusumano says.
Jonah Wheeler, a gay porn performer, only discovered his kinky side three years ago. That journey meant embracing radical honesty and picking a partner who was OK with him exploring his more unusual kinks with other people.
Jonah WheelerJohnny Q
“One of my other particular sexual interests is that I really like group sex,” Wheeler explains. “I love large group environments of 50, 100, or more people. And I need to make sure that I’m with somebody who is on board with that pretty early [on], because I know it’s a thing that I need on a fairly regular basis. I need to be with somebody who goes, ‘Cool, whether that’s my thing or not, I see that’s important to you and can support you going and doing it.’”
Wheeler also says that opening up his relationship, while staying curious about his partner’s kinks, was a great way to meet new people who are into the kinds of activities he likes.
“My partner is a pup, and I’m not into the pup thing, but I meet so many people in the pup community who do have kink overlap with me,” he says. “There are people who are already kinky, who are comfortable talking about it, who know the kinks of their peers and are able to go, ‘You’re into this thing. I know people who are, too.’”
The bottom line? If you allow for some openness in how you conceive of a partner, you’re probably going to be happier, more fulfilled, and have a longer-lasting kinky relationship.
But that doesn’t mean jealousy won’t crop up now and then. Cusumano experienced this possibility firsthand recently when he returned from a shopping trip to find his partner and his partner’s sub finishing up a scene. He had two choices: get jealous or get to know the person his partner was playing with.
“That could have been weird, I think, in a lot of other cases, but in that situation, I was just like, ‘OK, well, I just walked in. You guys know what? We’re just gonna go about life normally,’” he recalls. “So I ended up showing everyone what I bought at the store, and then I tried on a few shirts for them, and then me and the sub had such a cute, fun little rapport [that] we ended up texting after.”
Wheeler says he’s able to keep the spark alive in his relationship by getting excited by how much his partner loves dressing up in sports gear, even though that particular fantasy isn’t for him. “The gear itself doesn’t do much for me, but I like how excited they look in it,” he says. “How sexy they clearly feel about doing it is exciting for me and a thing that I can get into.”
The variety and community that comes with the kink scene is a big part of why Cusumano says falling in love with a fellow kinkster keeps life interesting and fun. “What I like about the social scene, especially, is that it takes away a lot of shame and fear,” he says. “It’s like, “I’m going to a bar with my boyfriend, we’re having a normal Friday night, and if one of us gets tied up in front of all our friends and humiliated, then how exciting.’”
This article is part of Out’s May-June 2026 print issue, which hits newsstands May 26. Support queer media and subscribe — or download the issue through Apple News+, Zinio, Nook, or PressReader.
Marco Calvani and Colman Domingo on the cover of Out magazine's May-June 2026 issue. photographed by David Urbanke
