Ok, yes, Valentine’s Day is a futile invention of the Roman Catholic church celebrating the execution of two martyrs named “Valentine.” And yes, the holiday is perpetuated by the Church’s social construct of marriage, designed to imprison people in a heteronormative hive mind. And yes, Valentine’s was later commandeered by late capitalism to usurp unwitting couples and single people, wringing their hands and opening their coin purses to try and find the perfect chocolate box or spa package to fulfill an institutional contribution to the national artifice of monogamy. But you still gotta get something for your boo!
Doesn’t matter how woke you are — your boyfriend, or girlfriend, or theyfriend are expecting something from you this February 14th, and whether gift-giving is your love language or not, everyone likes receiving a token of “Hey thanks for the sex and the feelings.” So, get going!
Look, we are all grown ups here, and wearing Andrew Christian on your romantic night out just isn’t the tea anymore. Boy Smells released the cutest line of underwear in a gradient of blush and nude colors with two different inseam sizes depending on how much room you need down there. We’re partial to the “Buff” shade, but why not get the whole collection so your boo can throw all their ratty Aussie Bums away. From Boy Smells, $25
Chocolate boxes are a travesty and have no place outside of B-list algorithm-made rom coms where they belong! Let’s adult-ify our chocolate gifting with a little green magic, eh? CBD is a cannabis-derivative chemical that relaxes you without the high of THC — oh, and its legal everywhere (depending on a few factors specific to your state/district). These ones by To Whom It May are particularly sexy, and delicious. From To Whom It May, $30
Everyone is sleeping on the Tom of Finland store. The curation of their jewelry, sexacessories, home goods, and more — all inspired by the legacy of the queer erotica artist — is just *chef’s kiss.* But above all their jewelry selection is one you will absolutely gag over. Flying penis necklaces, chokers in gold and silver, and who doesn’t want a gold-plated ring that says “anal.” Practical! For every occasion! From Tom of Finland, $75.
So, Tarot purists will say you should start with the Rider-Waite deck because the symbology is key to understanding the history and storytelling value of each card — but this queer artist and internet person Adam J. Kurtz made literally the world’s simplest and cutest tarot deck, perfect for V-Day, and we just can’t resist it. Comes with a booklet, and looks great sitting on a coffee table or mantle. From Adam J. Kurtz, $29.95.
Maude is a purveyor of sexual wellness products that are truly not ugly. And where massage oils always feel cheap and tasteless, their “burn.” offering (heated up with the wick of a candle and poured onto the skin) is made from soothing jojoba with notes of cedar and amber leaf. Finally, an erotic oil that’s pretty enough to put out in our living room. From Maude, $25.
Set the ambience with a candle that won’t put a dent in your bank roll. I’ve tried truly every Boy Smells scent out there, and their “Cinderose” is unmatched with a bright floral tone, an earthy musk, with a sophisticated, ashy line throughout. This candle’s personality works for all occasions, romantic or not. You’ll love it! From Boy Smells, $35.
Yes, that’s right. I said it. Butthole coffee scrub. Coffee scrub for your butthole. This very nice-smelling exfoliant for your down-there region was designed to make ass-eating more enjoyable. So, when you really think about it, the gift is actually for you. The marketing is pretty targeted toward gay men, but don’t forget: eating ass is for everyone! From Studio Ready, $68
Phaidon recently updated their edition of Art and Queer Culture, which is one of the most beautiful and comprehensive retrospectives on the impact of queer art throughout history. It makes you look super smart when you have this book on your shelf, but little do guests know that the book is mostly pictures! From Phaidon, $39.95.
Sorry, lots of butt-related gift ideas, but these are perhaps the most beautiful butt plugs I have ever gazed upon. Also by Tom of Finland, it’s important that toys (especially of the butt variety) not be ruled out of your sex life. Rid yourself of stigma! You can have your comfortable vanilla sex and still have three large silicone beads in your rectum while you do it. From Tom of Finland, $80.
Alright, here’s the splurge. Find the trendiest, schmanciest hotel in your area and find a Groupon or a Bookings.com listing for one night to spend with you and your boo. Pack snacks, flowers, and a bottle of champagne along with anything else you might need. I recently booked a night at The Standard with me and my situationship and it was basically like sex, bath, eat, repeat for 20 hours. When you take a break for Netflix, make sure to agree on the movie ahead of time so no time is wasted. From the Standard, starting at $169.