How to Date a Trans Woman

Mey Rude

Why should a queer cis woman consider dating a trans woman?

Trans women are cool! Sure, a lot of us are nerds, but often in a cute way. We try really hard during sex. We know a lot about pop culture. We’re good at puns. In the end, it just comes down to, Why not?

Do this:

• Make sure your cis queer spaces are trans-women-friendly before bringing us there.
• Ask the trans woman you’re dating what words and activities she’s comfortable with before you have sex.
• Understand that sometimes your girlfriend might need to take time off to deal with dysphoria.
• Be there to support and comfort your girlfriend when a trans woman is murdered (at a rate of almost once every other week).
• Be honest about the questions you have. It’s better to be up front and ask about sex or wording or level of outness than to have it come up in an awkward social situation.
• Learn about trans issues. Learn why it’s exhausting to live in society as a trans woman. Learn about intersectionality. 

Don’t do this:

• Definitely, definitely don’t assume we have sex like men do.
• Don’t use us as a socially conscious checkmark to show what a great ally you are.
• Don’t out us to your friends without our permission.
• Don’t use “Do you know Janet Mock? / Have you seen The Danish Girl? / Do you watch Orange Is the New Black?” as pickup lines.
• Don’t feel sorry for us or treat us like you’re doing us a favor by dating us.
• Don’t talk down to us when you compliment us.
• Don’t think that just because you date us, you’re allowed to make “tranny” jokes.

What about sex?

Sex with trans women is a whole lot of different things! Some of us have penises, some have vaginas, some are bottoms, some are tops, some love butt sex, some are into BDSM. We’re not just one thing, and that includes in the bedroom.

Our junk

When dating a trans woman who has a penis: Some use their penises during sex, some don’t. Some might in certain situations and not in others. Just because she might use her penis during sex doesn’t mean that she’ll use it in ways you might expect—she’s not necessarily a top. There’s a lot of fun you can have with a flaccid penis. A lot of trans women prefer to use strap-ons rather than their own penises.

Do trans women have a G-spot?

Yes! We have a prostate, a walnut-size gland accessed through the anus that functions similarly to the G-spot in cis women. Anal sex with trans women is really amazing!

Do they orgasm?

Can a post-op trans woman (meaning she’s had an operation, like gender-confirmation surgery, or bottom surgery, which takes the penis [and all that] and turns it into a vulva [and all that]) have an orgasm? Yes! During surgery, the doctors take the nerve endings from the penis and use them to create a clitoris.

Can I get pregnant from sex with a trans woman? 

It depends on the trans woman and how you have sex. A trans woman who is on hormone replacement therapy will produce much less sperm than a trans woman who isn’t. If your girlfriend has had an orchiectomy (removal of the testicles) but still has her penis, she can’t get you pregnant. Post-op trans women do not produce sperm.

How can cis queers find and date their trans counterparts?

Our percentage of the population is growing, so it should get easier and easier to find us. Try Tinder! Try gay bars! Try Pride! Try Campus LGBTQ organizations! 

Places to meet a trans lesbian:

Anime or comic conventions, hack-a-thons, roller derbies, femme Meetups, clothing swaps, screenings of a Wachowskis movie.

Since coming out as both a trans woman and a lesbian on the same day nearly four years ago, Mey Rude has dived headfirst into the world of being a professional trans Latina lesbian through her work as a writer, speaker, consultant, and trans editor at Autostraddle.com.

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Tags: Lifestyle, trans

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