90210's Gay Kiss (AKA Bring Back Brenda Walsh, Already)

We see what you're trying to do to us, 90210 2.0! Throw two Bel Ami-impersonating wooden puppets on a beach and have them share a clandestine smooch in the flickering shadows of some romantic candlelight. Well, although it did get us somewhat aroused, we're not falling for it. We want Shannen Doherty and we want her now. No way are two Ken dolls doing the mouth-mambo going to overpower the gay man's love of a conniving, backstabbing bitch, and our favorite is Brenda-effin'-Walsh. So there. We're not watching this trash until we get our Brenda back. But, that was a nice trick you tried to throw us...we're not gonna lie, it almost worked. Oh, and really CW? They didn't even kiss the way the French do. Have you ever even been to a gay bar? We tongue-kiss strangers upon first meeting, duh.

Previously >The Other City Premiers December 1st on Showtime