DWTS: And The Winner Is...Boring

Photo: Adam Larkey/ABC Media

Results show are inherently tedious -- we are forced to watch an entire hour program built around the crucial 60 seconds of information they are withholding from us. The filler last night included lots of waving to ABC sitcom stars in the audience (what was wrong with Courtney Cox's nose?), a performance by Sean Kingston, and an airing of a Miley Cyrus video. Not Miley herself, just her video. Wait, just part of her video.

But here is all you need to know: Macy Gray is gone (too eccentric, not blond enough) and Kathy Ireland escaped by the skin of her teeth (will most likely be next week's castoff), but the puzzler is that Kelly Osbourne appeared to be in the bottom three, despite having been asked by the judges to repeat dance her lovely waltz from the night before, so she must be in need of some public support -- that means us. Ashley Hamilton was eliminated (no surprise), and next week I will be voting like crazy for Michael Irvin, the bewildered football player, which is really a vote against Tom DeLay. Getting the arrhythmic, light-in-his-loafers (but not in that way) GOP schmuck eliminated ASAP may be a difficult goal given the demographics of the show's audience, but this is a democracy, damnit, and I need my text votes counted!

-- A. RAYMOND JOHNSON

Previously > DWTS: The Grace Of Kelly