This story originally appeared on Them.
Shower sex: Some people can’t get enough of it, while many others have tried and failed to see the appeal. Between the awkward angles, slippery surfaces and the risk of leaving your partner out in the cold (literally), shower sex is a textbook example of something that often looks much hotter on screen than it feels in real life. When done sloppily, it can spiritually feel like two seals going at it; When done intentionally, shower sex can create erotic sensory experiences that are impossible to replicate in the bedroom. Once you let go of expectations and learn how to work with the shower rather than against it, sex in the shower can bring a whole new level of pleasure into your life.
Here’s how to make shower sex safer, easier and much more satisfying, according to sex experts and some people who love it.
It’s all about the sensory layering
Many people find shower sex satisfying because of the arousing possibility of having many different sensory inputs at once. “You have the sensation of the water as an added somatic element that can add heat or cold, pressure and texture, all of which feel exciting and novel,” Jenn Kennedy, a queer therapist, tells Them. “By contrast, the bed is soft, dry and familiar. The mind loves something new and time limited,” i.e. hot water will eventually run out, or if you live with roomies, you can’t be in there forever.
One of the best ways to create sensory contrasts is via steam. Before shower sex, “close the doors of the bathroom and start the water running. This will warm the room, fill it with steam, and allow all parties to stay warm,” Rebecca Blanton, a queer sex educator, tells Them. You don’t technically have to have the water hitting you at all if you create your own DIY steam room. “If you want to keep the steam heavy, but don’t want to be in the stream of water, adjust the shower head to flow away from your bodies, to allow the steam to fill up the shower and the bathroom,” Tyomi Morgan, a certified sexologist, tells Them.
For added contrast, “Bring in some pieces of ice to play with the temperatures on your person’s sensitive spots,” Deven Rafael Marte, a self-proclaimed shower sex lover, tells Them.
The sensory contrasts can even be helpful for those of us who can’t always stay locked in during sex. “For people with neurodivergent brains, especially those with ADHD, the additional sensations may help their brains relax enough to focus on arousal,” says Blanton.
Make your shower fall-proof
Although shower sex will never be totally frictionless, there are ways to make it a lot safer so that concerns about falling are not distracting you from enjoying the act. “A non-slip mat is far sexier than an emergency-room visit,” Ruby Rare, an intimacy expert at the dating app Feeld, tells Them. “Move bottles or anything else you could knock over, find positions where everyone feels stable.”
If you’re a serious shower sex enthusiast, it might be worth considering making investments to tweak your shower. “I suggest getting a bar installed for proper gripping,” says Kennedy, the queer therapist. If you don’t want to go that far, or are renting, “buying suction cup handles to hold on to helps with getting in positions that make penetration easy and safer to manage,” Morgan tells Them. “There are suction cup steps that can be attached to the wall to raise a leg up for different angles as well.”
Avoid moving too much while in the shower. “Get into position and be locked in before you go at it,” Marte suggests.
Use a silicone-based lube instead of water-based
Contrary to what some might think, water can actually increase friction between bodies rubbing against each other (it’s called hydrogen bonding, and we all probably learned about it at some point), so you’ll want to use extra lube in the shower. Although water-based lubes are usually recommended for maximum compatibility with sex toys, that rule is reversed in the shower. “Silicone-based lube provides a better experience than water-based because it doesn’t just rinse away as easily,” Natasha Riley, a couples therapist and founder of Javery Wellness, tells Them.
Resist the temptation to use something else as a substitute for lube. “Soap and body wash belong on your skin, not inside your genitals,” says Rare.
Have one person serve as an “anchor” at all times
One golden rule of shower sex: At least one person should serve as the “anchor” at all times. Sitting or kneeling can create a more stable base, while a shower chair can make different positions safer and more comfortable. Kneeling is also a natural position for oral sex, but just make sure to place a folded towel or nonslip mat beneath your knees for cushioning and traction.
Using the wall for support can also make standing positions more secure. “Placing hands on the wall and hinging at the hips for doggy style can look sexy and provide support for thrusts,” says Morgan.
Just don’t combine water play with breath restriction or “waterboarding.” Water makes it much harder to recognize and respond to breathing distress, and slippery surfaces increase the danger even more.
Make use of suction dildos and waterproof vibrators
Showers are a built-in paradise for dildos, considering that suction cups stick on much better to tile than drywall. “You can use a dildo suction cupped to a wall to provide penetration while fingering, giving a hand job, or playing with multiple body parts at once,” Blanton tells Them. “A dildo on the shower wall also offers the option for double penetration if a partner is into that!”
Use a detachable shower head as an extra sex toy
If you’re lucky enough to have a detachable showerhead, you can use it as its own sex toy.
“Don’t underestimate a good detachable showerhead for additional external stimulation during sex,” says Riley. Experiment with different settings and direct the stream toward places like the nipples, clitoris or anus. Big disclaimer, though: Don’t assume that higher pressure will automatically feel better. “Start gently and figure out what actually feels good for your body,” says Rare. You can also play with temperature or hand control of the shower head to introduce an element of dominance. If the water starts feeling distracting, or like it’s lowkey drowning one of you, angle it away from your face while letting the bathroom stay warm and steamy.
Use the shower as an excuse to get messy
The shower can be the perfect place to beta test things you’ve been wanting to try out for a while, but were worried about hygiene or even insecure about making a mess. “Squirting, watersports, period sex, using lots of lube, the list goes on!” says Rare. The shower can provide a safe space to try all of these activities with minimal cleanup. If you tend to be someone who gets preoccupied with hygiene, being in the shower could make you feel more present in your body in general. “We're taught so many strange things about bodies needing to be clean, contained and presentable during sex, when bodies are naturally sweaty, wet, hairy, noisy and sometimes messy,” Rare tells Them. “The shower can give you permission to relax around some of that. Which can help to lean into things with a bit more comfort.”
Don’t make penetration the goal, and know when it’s time to exit the shower
One of the best ways to enjoy shower sex is to stop trying to perform shower sex. Penetration can be especially tricky when you’re navigating slippery surfaces and wet skin-to-wet skin friction, but that doesn’t mean the sex itself has to be less fun. “Sometimes taking penetration off center stage gives us so much more to play with,” says Mariàn Martínez, a certified sex coach. Take advantage of the environment a shower provides: Kiss, rub against each other, wash each other’s bodies, shampoo one another, masturbate, or experiment with oral sex and toys.
If things aren’t working or feeling sexy, know when to call it. “If you’re cold, your leg is cramping, the water is washing away all your lube or you’ve realized the position you imagined isn’t remotely working, move somewhere else,” says Rare. “Towel each other off and take that energy to the bedroom.”
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