This story originally appeared on Them.
For all the talk of six-seven, its older sibling, 69, is still the reigning number in our world of popular culture. When it comes to sex positions, it represents the ultimate equal exchange of pleasure: Visually, it's yin and yang. Energetically, it's a continuous loop of giving and receiving. At its best, 69 promises something few other positions can: the chance for both partners to experience peak pleasure at the same time.
But like most sex, the reality of 69ing is often more complicated than how it’s often portrayed. This can be one of the trickiest sex positions to pull off simply because our bodies rarely fit together so neatly. If you've ever found yourself twisting into awkward angles, craning your neck, or stopping mid-session because of a cramp, you're not alone. Sometimes, the logistics get so complicated that they can get in the way of experiencing peak pleasure.
That’s why we’re creating this guide to 69ing, including how to make it as pleasurable as possible, according to experts and self-proclaimed 69 enthusiasts. (If you’re specifically looking for how to give a good blow job or eat someone out while 69ing, we’ve created useful guides for that as well).
1. Start on your side.
A classic mistake people make while getting into 69ing is they try to recreate the angles they see in porn, most commonly the 69 position in which one person gets on their hands and knees on top of the other. Although aesthetically pleasing, this position can lead to uncomfortable body bending and onset of cramps pretty quickly.
The best place to start is on your side. If both partners lay on their sides, this “reduces pressure on the neck, jaw, chest, and face,” says Casey Tanner, an AASECT-certified sex therapist. To further reduce strain on the neck, “use the inside of the leg to prop [the other person’s] head up,” suggests Kiki Maree, an Australian sexologist.
Side 69-ing is also likely to lead to a longer session. “No one's holding their weight up, so this works well if there's a size difference,” says Lauren Consul, a marriage and sex therapist.
2. Figure out the logistics and use pillows for height differences.
We all have different bodies and that’s part of what makes sex great. For 69ing, that just means you need a little bit of time to figure out how to position your bodies. One of the best tools at our disposal for accomodating height differences are pillows. You can place a pillow under the hips, shoulder, or head, depending on which body parts are not aligning. The less you’re straining your muscles the better, because ideally you’ll be 69ing for a while and you’re going to want to start in a comfortable position that you can sustain. If you need to stack multiple pillows on top of each other, do that.
If the height difference is pretty significant, there are also different shapes you can make with your body. For example, "the taller partner can curve their body into a loose ‘C’ shape around the shorter partner,” Consul tells Them.
3. It’s ok to not be completely in sync — Embrace the asymmetry.
The biggest inherent contradiction in 69ing is that it’s actually better if you don’t try to come at the same time. In an ideal world, we would be giving and receiving in equal measure, but we don’t live in an ideal world. How much each person gives and receives will change throughout the session, and it’s important to give permission to that asymmetry. “Reciprocity doesn’t have to mean both people are giving and receiving the exact same amount of stimulation every second,” says Maree. One person might be enjoying getting munched on or sucked so much, for example, that they need to momentarily pause in order to fully be in the moment.
Changes in pace are to be expected, especially as you take breaks or switch positions. "One partner may be nearing orgasm while the other is just beginning to become aroused... that's okay,” says Tanner. In homage to the World Cup, think of it as a soccer game. Not every player is going to have the ball at all times.
4. Expect to reposition, pause, and switch things up.
There are many types of 69ing, and it might be fun to try different ones with a partner. Consul, the AASECT certified sex therapist, outlined some main ones: There’s stacked, or the “classic” version where one partner lies down, and the other lies in the opposite direction on top of them; kneeling, where one partner lies down, while the other kneels beside them and leans over; seated, where one partner sits on a chair or couch while the other puts their knees on the seated partner's shoulders; and of course, side by side.
Switching positions can also be a fun way to switch up the dynamics. “If you’re usually on top, flip positions and give the other person more control to fuck your face,” says Valencia Jackson, a 69 enthusiast. “Even though the other person has a bit more control, it’s part of the fun if you’re into power exchange.”
5. Use your whole mouth and stick to a technique.
Sixty-nining can be particularly overstimulating for some people since they’re trying to focus on giving pleasure while also receiving it. Although the advice for giving great head is typically to switch up mouth techniques, this can complicate things with 69, since you’re more limited in your mobility. Tanner suggests starting with slow, broad strokes with the flatter part of the tongue, while using the tip of the tongue for more targeted and sensitive parts of the body. Feel free to incorporate toys and explore the egregious regions such as clitoral hood, inner and outer labia, vaginal opening, pubic mound, anus, and inner thighs. “Consistency is often more pleasurable than constantly changing techniques,” Tanner tells Them. Switching too much and too fast can end up being distracting to the other person and take them out of the moment.
6. Come up with a secret language.
Considering everyone involved in a 69 is already occupying their mouths, this is one of those positions that makes oral communication trickier. If you’re approaching a trancelike state, the last thing you want to do is stop to say something, so it might be worth coming up with a simple secret language that communicates to your partner to go faster, slower or pause. This can be as simple as a leg squeeze or finger tap.
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