This is a satirical opinion article. The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author's and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of OUT.
Coachella announced its 2019 lineup this week and it's pretty gay. Ariana Grande is headlining, Janelle Monae, and SOPHIE are performing. Jaden Smith is going to either sing or 69 Justin Bieber onstage: pretty gay! But you know what isn't gay? Coachella. Or really, just music festivals in general.
Here's the thing: Coachella and festivals like it (Bonnaroo, Governors Ball, or Glastonbury, which I'm pretty sure happens inside a giant Wellington boot) are made for straight people. They're solely the province of bros, frat boys, Beckys, and biddies. Festivals are the one safe haven where these folks have the freedom to walk around in culturally appropriating outfits crushing beer cans on each other's foreheads, and leaving a trail of vegan nacho farts in their wake. God, they're brave.
That's because festivals aren't about actually experiencing your favorite artists all over the course of one weekend. They're about forming a weekend-long community centered around a shared love of silent discos, flower crowns, oat milk lattes, and beer pong. People attend festivals for the vibes, man, not the music!
"If my straight finance friends and I aren't partying in Midtown East, we're waiting in line at the Williamsburg Whole Foods. Coachella is a great opportunity to do both of those things, but outside," comedian Cole Escola explains to OUT.
Some warn that the heightened queerness of the 2019 Coachella lineup seems to almost be gay-baiting. Says Alex Bedder: "This year's lineup looks closer to one of those meme lineups than ever before!"
When not busy luring gays to the desert with the promise of leaving Ariana's set for a quickie in the campsite shower trailer, Coachella also happens to be run by a band of reprehensile heterosexuals. Philip Anschutz, CEO of AEG entertainment and Coachella owner, has a well-documented history of donating to Republican senators and super PACs, funding anti-LGBTQ+, pro-gun and anti-abortion legislation. Talk about not having tears left to cry!
To be fair, gay people have Pride, Oscar season, jockstraps, Cher, and most memes. We're even queering Congress! But straight people literally just have Coachella. Maybe we should let them enjoy it in peace.