Why Spider-Man Can't Be Gay

We're not sure why it took so long for someone to figure out this angle to the Sony Hack, but Gawker's Sam Biddle reports on a licensing agreement between Sony and Marvel that leaked due to the Sony files being hacked to explain why some beloved superheroes that continually get rebooted remain so boring and vanilla.

Although Andrew Garfield openly questioned why Spidey couldn't be gay or bisexual, and some vocal fans have been calling for Donald "Childish Gambino" Glover to take the Peter Parker role in the Spider-Man movies, it turns out both things are not possible -- even if Sony wanted to try. His attributes and forbidden traits are spelled out in detail:

But wait! Maybe he can be gay -- sorta. But only if "Marvel has portrayed that alter ego as a homosexual."

So there you have it: Spider-Man is straight, white, and pretty boring. Case closed. Now Batman on the other hand...