Valentine’s Day is a garbage holiday manufactured to make couples buy each other chocolate and make single people feel even worse about being single than we already do. Did a bitchy gay guy in a relationship invent it? Because that would explain a lot.
As someone who has never been in a relationship on Valentine’s Day, I have spent the holiday many different ways: hooking up with strangers, wilding out at raves, ignoring it entirely, and just giving up and taking an Ambien at 7 p.m. But this year, I decided that if I didn’t have a Valentine, I’d be my own Valentine. And I don’t mean that I was going to treat myself to a nice dinner, watch some Netflix and take a bubble bath, No honey, my plans were much sluttier.
With no Valentine secured, I decided that this year, I’d fall in love with my hole. Being alone on the most romantic day of the year (besides Arbor Day) didn’t have to be sad, I could — in the grand tradition of the oppressed — reclaim it. I could queer loneliness! Fuck couples massages, $1 oyster happy hours, and boxes of chocolate from Rite Aid. I’m a modern transsexual woman and if I want to light an overpriced candle, scatter rose petals on my Target quilt and go to town on myself in the name of self love, no one is going to stop me! After all, if you can’t fuck yourself, how in the hell are you gonna fuck somebody else? Can I get an *explodes after VH1 drone drops a bomb from where it’s been silently watching.*
With that in mind, I selected a few toys I’d been eyeing from Lovehoney and gave myself a challenge: to test one out every day for a week. That was wildly unrealistic, because I have a life and my journey to quit dairy has been rather fraught, so it ended up taking a little longer. But I was committed to this journey of solo pleasure and sticking things up my ass in the name of science...or something. Kids, do try this at home. The orgasms, mama!
This toy looks like it came from the Sharper Image, all sleek and matte and black, and honestly it seemed too chic to stick up my ass. The silicone was very soft and the buzzing felt nice, and she comes in a cute little carrying case, but I just wasn’t all that impressed. Check it out.
When this arrived I was kind of disappointed because I just assumed it was the kind of wand you stuck inside someone, which I guess means I should have read the description closer (or at all), but this is actually meant for softly zapping your lover’s skin. I guess electrocuting someone in the ass would be kind of intense. Check it out.
This one was *chef’s kiss*! With a little lube, this fleshlight feels like sticking your dick inside a gusher, although that would probably sting. Is it inappropriate if I bring it to work? Please advice. Check it out.
Literally the cutest thing in the entire world! I usually like plugs with a bit more of a hook because I prefer them as a preparation tool rather than something for play, and the glass makes this a bit slippery and it tends not to stay put. But she’s beautiful and I intend to set her out on a shelf like a tchotchke — after a thorough cleaning, of course. Check it out.
Simple but effective, better than the glass dildo for keeping yourself open if you’re planning to bottom. The hilt keeps the plug in you nicely, but the the edges are a bit sharp. Check it out.
This was a 100% aesthetic decision. I’d seen photos of this floating around on Instagram and had to have it. I will admit that as I greased this baby up I shouted, “moon prism power,” pressed play on a Sailor Moon transformation compilation video on YouTube and let thoughts of Tuxedo Mask take me away. But girl, pounding away at yourself with a glass rod is intense, and I was sore afterwards. Check it out.