Unless you've been avoiding social media like the plague, you've probably gathered that this week is Bi Week! For seven straight days, the bi+ community works diligently to make themselves visble, have their voices heard, and combat bi-erasure. In the spirit of bi week and putting forth additional bi content, I wanted to discuss what it's like dating a bi guy. For the record, I think bi guys are the best to date, but then again, I may be biased.
In many regards, bisexual men want the same things as everyone else when it comes to relationships. We want an honest partner. We want to be emotionally fulfilled. We want to love and to be loved in return. We want someone who will be there for us when we fall down. And so on and so forth...
But in many ways, dating a bisexual man is somewhat different. I don't say this to create a further divide between people, but given the society we live in (one that has vicious stereotypes about bisexual men, especially when it comes to having a relationship with one), it's naive to believe that dating a bi guy is the exact same as dating a straight man or a gay man.
So in honor of #Biweek, here are 10 things you should know before dating a bisexual guy!
1. We may initially struggle with being 100% open about ourselves
Every bi man I know who's been open about his sexual identity has been rejected because of it. I was ghosted after two dates with this woman because she found my bisexuality "too much." I didn't see it coming at all, because on the surface level, she seemed completely okay with my bisexuality. She even told me that she had hooked up with women and found herself attracted to women. Nevertheless (I learned from a mutual friend), my sexual orientation was the reason why she ghosted me. When you're rejected for revealing a part of your identity, it makes it difficult to be 100% open about yourself from the get-go. So just give us some time.
2. Yes, we do miss being with other people when in a monogamous relationship
This idea that we don't miss being intimate with other people when in a monogamous relationship is absolutely ridiculous. But you know what? So do gay men and straight women and everyone else! Of course many gay men miss being with other men when they are in a monogamous relationship from time to time. But that doesn't mean they want an open-relationship. It doesn't mean that they're going out and cheating. It's human to sometimes miss being with other people. But when we've made a commitment, we've made a commitment. You need to trust us.
3. We have significantly higher rates of anxiety and depression than straight and gay men
This isn't something that necessarily affects your relationship, but it is something to keep in mind, especially if you're seeing classic signs of undiagnosed depression or anxiety.
4. There’s no need to freak out about the porn we watch
Odds are we watch gay porn, lesbian porn, bi porn, straight porn, and every other type of porn. There's no need to freak out, telling yourself, "Oh shit, that's not something I can give to him!" Porn is fantasy. It's fun. None of the guys I've dated gave me a 12-inch rock hard dick, but I sure love watching that in porn. It doesn't mean I was planning on breaking up with my boyfriends because they didn't have a third leg.
5. You’re likely going to have to deal with some BS for dating a bi guy
If you're a woman, you'll inevitably here at some point, "You know your boyfriend is actually gay right?" If you're a gay man, you may get some shade from other gays. This is because gay men often think that bi guys are simply not comfortable with their "true" identity of being "full-blown gay."
6. We’re not “more masculine” because we also sleep with women
This is a bizarre and femmephobic statement that I've encountered from gay men. Apparently, bi men are "hot" because they sleep with women and that somehow makes us more masculine. This fetishization is somehow homophobic, sexist, and biphobic all in one.
7. We’re not your gay BFF who you also have sex with
This is something I've encountered from certain straight women. They see me as their gay BFF who they can make out with. They don't see me as a bisexual person who's actually interesting in dating them. They reduce me to a stereotype and plaything.
8. We’re often less concerned about gender norms
In her book, Women in Relationships with Bisexual Men: Bi Men by Women, Dr. Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli interviewed dozens of straight women who have dated bisexual men. Her research revealed that bi men (who are out and open with their sexual identity) are often less consumed by traditional notions of gender as well as expected gender roles.
9. Bi guys are bomb at sex
Okay, okay, I know I shouldn't be saying this, but there's legitimate research that reveals this. Again, in her book, Dr. Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli explains that bi men make the best lovers because they're more attune to the needs of their partner(s).
10. We get hurt just as much as everyone else
We're humans. If you break up with us, we'll be hurt. If you say something nasty, we will cry. If you don't treat us with respect, we will move on. I say this to illustrate that while there are differences between bi guys and other men, the things that matter--the things that make us human--are still very much the same.