Unless you've been avoiding social media like the plague, you've probably gathered that this week is Bi Week! For seven straight days, the bi+ community works diligently to make themselves visble, have their voices heard, and combat bi-erasure. In the spirit of bi week and putting forth additional bi content, I wanted to discuss what it's like dating a bi guy. For the record, I think bi guys are the best to date, but then again, I may be biased.
In many regards, bisexual men want the same things as everyone else when it comes to relationships. We want an honest partner. We want to be emotionally fulfilled. We want to love and to be loved in return. We want someone who will be there for us when we fall down. And so on and so forth...
But in many ways, dating a bisexual man is somewhat different. I don’t say this to create a further divide between people, but given the society we live in (one that has vicious stereotypes about bisexual men, especially when it comes to having a relationship with one), it’s naive to believe that dating a bi guy is the exact same as dating a straight man or a gay man.
So in honor of #Biweek, here are 10 things you should know before dating a bisexual guy!
Every bi man I know who’s been open about his sexual identity has been rejected because of it. I was ghosted after two dates with this woman because she found my bisexuality "too much." I didn’t see it coming at all, because on the surface level, she seemed completely okay with my bisexuality. She even told me that she had hooked up with women and found herself attracted to women. Nevertheless (I learned from a mutual friend), my sexual orientation was the reason why she ghosted me. When you’re rejected for revealing a part of your identity, it makes it difficult to be 100% open about yourself from the get-go. So just give us some time.
This idea that we don’t miss being intimate with other people when in a monogamous relationship is absolutely ridiculous. But you know what? So do gay men and straight women and everyone else! Of course many gay men miss being with other men when they are in a monogamous relationship from time to time. But that doesn’t mean they want an open-relationship. It doesn’t mean that they’re going out and cheating. It’s human to sometimes miss being with other people. But when we've made a commitment, we’ve made a commitment. You need to trust us.
Odds are we watch gay porn, lesbian porn, bi porn, straight porn, and every other type of porn. There’s no need to freak out, telling yourself, "Oh shit, that’s not something I can give to him!" Porn is fantasy. It’s fun. None of the guys I've dated gave me a 12-inch rock hard dick, but I sure love watching that in porn. It doesn't mean I was planning on breaking up with my boyfriends because they didn’t have a third leg.
If you’re a woman, you’ll inevitably here at some point, "You know your boyfriend is actually gay right?" If you’re a gay man, you may get some shade from other gays. This is because gay men often think that bi guys are simply not comfortable with their "true" identity of being "full-blown gay."
This is a bizarre and femmephobic statement that I’ve encountered from gay men. Apparently, bi men are "hot" because they sleep with women and that somehow makes us more masculine. This fetishization is somehow homophobic, sexist, and biphobic all in one.
This is something I’ve encountered from certain straight women. They see me as their gay BFF who they can make out with. They don’t see me as a bisexual person who’s actually interesting in dating them. They reduce me to a stereotype and plaything.
In her book, Women in Relationships with Bisexual Men: Bi Men by Women, Dr. Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli interviewed dozens of straight women who have dated bisexual men. Her research revealed that bi men (who are out and open with their sexual identity) are often less consumed by traditional notions of gender as well as expected gender roles.
We’re humans. If you break up with us, we’ll be hurt. If you say something nasty, we will cry. If you don’t treat us with respect, we will move on. I say this to illustrate that while there are differences between bi guys and other men, the things that matter—the things that make us human—are still very much the same.