1) There should be a big Fag Hag Shuttle from every gay bar at 1:15 a.m. That's when the dick clock strikes and girls become invisible. It doesn't matter if you're Judy Garland back from the dead.
2) If I'm not paying you, don't tell me what to do with my hair. A gay friend once talked me into a spiral perm -- in 2003!
3) Don't claim you like shopping, then get pissed and just sit in the 'man chair.' Good gay shopping partners text-message while I shop happily.
4) There's no such thing as too much gay bedroom talk. You've given me the best advice on blow jobs.
5) Never say pussy smells like fish, because balls can smell like burritos -- and I'd rather have fish than Mexican.
6) I like the term fag hag. Even though you're taking two derogatory things and smashing them together, it works. It's real.
7) My sense of personal history is Madonna-centric: The start of my stand-up career? That was during Blond Ambition. First breakup? When the Sex book came out. Her 'Frozen' period? That was when I was all about yoga and wearing lots of oils.
8) Gay guys should really check out the Discovery Channel reality show Deadliest Catch. It's deep-sea fishermen, the butchest of the butch. The guys are so straight that it's really like porn.
9) I don't expect you to pay for dinner, but you'd better take me someplace where I can spot the fancy, top-shelf, boldface gays -- the ones you link to from your blog.
10) Forgive yourselves about your bodies already. If you can't, then shut up about it.
Margaret Cho's new U.S. tour, Beautiful, kicks off in March.