Up By Five

2.9.2010

By Alex Wilburn

Photo: Getty Images

What a disappointing night for Peyton Manning. The Colts came in as what many would consider the superior team, Quarterback Manning had just received his fourth NFL Most Valuable Player Award, things were going good for three quarters, and they. just. lost it. it in the forth quarter. Sure, it's a nice Cinderella Story of sorts for The Saints of New Orleans to come out on top, reflecting on the devastation a natural disaster brought down upon their city -- but let's not get too preachy, Peyton should have won this for Indianapolis.

Well, Peyton, I'm going to make your Monday a little worse, because we're officially closing the Football Season here at OUT (did it ever start here at OUT?) by counting down the Top 5 Hottest Quarterbacks in the NFL - and the older Manning just didn't make the cut.

5. Eli Manning

Don't worry, I'm going to spell these guys out for the sports star-illiterate at home. Eli is Peyton's younger brother and Quarterback for the New York Giants. He's 29, 6'4, which is a very good height (so says my pal Supernatural star Jared Padalecki), is a spokesman for Reebock, Toyota and briefly Oreo, volunteered after Katrina, and wrote a children's book called Family Huddle with his older brother. He also enjoys taken drunken photos. It's true, you can Google it. If he's your man, you should know he looks better sober.

4. Matt Ryan

He's the Quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons, is only 24, which I believe makes him the baby of our group, but he sure doesn't look it because he's also 6'4 and a nice 213 lbs. He was the 2008 Offensive Rookie of the Year (that's a good thing, don't worry), is Irish Catholic, enjoys golfing in the off-season, looks great in red and gold and, from what I can tell, seems to have very nice teeth.

3. Mark Sanchez

Nope, I lied, Mark here is only 23, so he's the youngest, and is the Quarterback for the New York Jets, even though he's a native Californians through and and through. This one's a real keeper: his Mexican heritage gives him that whole dark wavy hair and olive skin look, he modeled swimwear for the June 2009 issue of GQ and was listed as #2 in The New York Post's Most Eligible Bachelors for New York City -- plus his arms are pretty much to kill for. Get it.

2. Brady Quinn

Maybe he just came in at number two because I have a soft spot for him. Brady Quinn just seems so stupidly normal that if I went to a real university I would swear he was that guy asleep in my Intro to Social Psych lecture. Or my brother's friend who I came home to find asleep on the foot of my bed and smelling like Bud Light. Brady's 25, Quarterback for the Cleveland Browns, loves posing shirtless, smiling and showing off his guns, not having a MySpace and, oh, apparently getting charged with using homophobic slurs. Well, you can't win 'em all, I guess...

1. Tom Brady

Speaking of guys you can't win 'em all with...Tom Brady. Of course. I mean, who did you think it was going to be? He's beautiful. He's almost more beautiful than his wife, Giselle Bündchen, who I'm pretty sure is the confirmed sexiest woman in the world, yes? I once saw Giselle walking past the Magnolia Cupcake Bakery in the village, and she was so tall and serious and she did not get a cupcake and for a minute, neither did I. But I like the pink frosting. Anyway, this guy has it all. The jawline, the blue eyes, the pretty features, the modeling ads, the All American fame, the Victoria Secret wife, the Victoria Secret baby, his former girlfriend's baby, uh....an invitation to Anna Wintour's Met Gala! Yeah, let's focus on that. Or his eyes. Just keeping looking into them and soon all that messy personal drama will just melt away. Oh and he's 32, 6'4 and plays for the New England Patriots. Sorry, I got a little distracted by the photo above.

-- ALEX WILBURN

Previously >  The Portrait of An Indian Bare

Tags: Popnography
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