This story originally appeared on Them.
Seeing that it’s such a tried-and-true part of most people’s sexual development, how to give a hand job may not have crossed your mind in quite some time. You may not put a lot of thought into how you do it, but like with most things in life, the more experience you have and the more effort you put in, the better the results will be.
The sex act may seem basic, but if done right it can bring intense pleasure, and if done wrong, it can be awkward or downright painful. There are also so many things to take into consideration with a hand job, which can make them daunting for sexual beginners, much like fingering. Does your partner have a large penis or a small one? Are they on estrogen? Do they have a T-dick? Have they had phallo? What do you do if they have foreskin? Can you use spit or do you need a good lube?
For those unfamiliar, hand jobs involve — as you might have guessed it — using your hands to touch your partner's genitals in a way that feels good. You might think about using your hands to stroke your partner as just the appetizer before you get to the main course, but it can also be the whole entree. Either way, you and your partner can have a lot of fun whether or not penetrative sex is on the menu or not.
All of this said, there are some important pieces of advice to consider before diving in, like lube, rhythm, and technique, as well as some tricks to take your hand job prowess to the next level. If you want to learn how to pleasure your partner, or up your own self-pleasure game, you’ll benefit from these expert-backed tips and tricks for how to give a great hand job.
What is a hand job?
In the most simple terms, a hand job usually means “using your hand to stimulate someone's penis, ideally to climax,” says sexual health expert Alex Garner, who is the senior director of strategic initiatives and communications for MPact Global, the leading global organization advancing queer health and human rights. This can also include T-dicks, as testotsterone-based HRT can cause bottom growth and enlarge some people’s clits, making the stroking sensations of hand jobs feel better than traditional fingering.
But a hand job is also versatile and can be so much more than just using your hand to stroke your partner’s penis. It can be the way you start having sex or you can blow your partner’s mind by bringing them to climax with just your hand. You can also add in sex toys to increase their pleasure or you can give your partner a handjob while you penetrate them.
How do I give a good hand job?
The first thing to remember is that there isn’t one way to give a hand job, and every person you sleep with is going to have a different way they like to be touched. If you’re a newbie to hand jobs, you’ll want to focus on rhythm, grip, and speed. But once you have the basics down, you can add in toys, try frotting if you both have a penis, or explore new techniques.
Good Vibes staff sexologist Carol Queen, who is the author of The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone, tells Them that paying attention to your partner’s body language is key. When you give someone a hand job, you should try “gradually make the stroking more rhythmic and using more pressure. Gradually. And check in with the receiver about how that is and if they want more or different, since everyone is not the same,” she says.
Paying attention to the “verbal and nonverbal” cues your partner is sending you is just as important as trying to be gentle and smooth, Garner says. “A janky hand job can be very unpleasant but so can a limp one. You need to be able to get into the rhythm of the other person to stroke your way to satisfaction,” he recommends.
Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist, relationship therapist, and author at the relationship magazine Passionerad, says that hand jobs are also great to add into your sexual repertoire because they are a fun way to have safe sex if you are concerned about STIs. “It’s safe, accessible and can be done in tons of different ways, where you never really are fully skilled, but always can learn more,” says Roos, who primarily works with queer men in her practice. “And it’s not only good as foreplay, but is also an amazing alternative to penetrative and oral sex.”
Tips for giving the best hand job
Before you dive headfirst, these sex experts have tips for how to give a great hand job that will prepare you for your next sexual experience.
Ask how your partner is doing
Instead of trying to intuit what your partner wants, ask them. Everyone will want different speed, grip strength, pressure, or stroking technique, so don’t be afraid to check in before, during, or after sex. “It's very important to pay attention to the other person. What is exciting them and what is not,” Garner says, adding that “it’s perfectly fine to ask them what feels good.”
Queen, who has been a queer sexual health educator since the start of the AIDS crisis in the 1980s, says that you should “never be afraid to ask your partner about what they like” so ask them to “give you feedback” and pay close attention to their answers. “And remember different people will respond differently to things, so you'll have a repertoire, eventually, if you give enough hand jobs,” she says.
Switch up the tempo
Don’t be afraid to switch up how fast you’re pumping your hand and how much grip strength and pressure you’re using. “Change up your speed and rhythm, as well as your grip,” Garner suggests. This is a great way to not only increase the pleasure, but control how quickly your partner has an orgasm.
Try edging them
So many people focus on the destination when the journey can be just as fun. If you get your partner off quickly, you might feel like you’ve mastered the art of the hand job, but you can bring them even more pleasure once you get the hang of edging. Edging someone means controlling when your partner orgasms by bringing them close to climax before backing off until their arousal lessens and then starting all over again.
“Don’t be afraid to tease them a little and pull back if they are really getting going so you can prolong the excitement,” Garner says.
Not only will this extend how long you have sex; it can also lead to an even stronger orgasm. Roos says that getting good at edging requires paying close attention to your partner’s cues so you know when to back off.
“To get better at edging, you need to find a great way to slowly build up his orgasm, you need to learn to pick up his signals on when getting close to climax, you need to find when to stop and when you can continue, and you need to be patient, make sure that the sexy feeling builds up, and generally have great timing,” she says.
Don’t forget the lube
Lubricant will decrease friction so that your hand can glide and not tug at your partner’s junk. You can also use spit, but you won’t get as much glide, it dries up quickly, and it’s less sanitary. If you’re a noob to lube, check out our guide to picking the right one. While a good lube will be your best friend, Roos says that trying a novelty lube that provides a different sensation or scent can add to the experience for your partner.
“There’s tons of fun lubes out there, and to buy one that gives extra sensation is a simple yet effective way to spice up your hand job game,” she says. “It can be lube that heats or chills for temperature play, THC lube that gives an electric feeling, or lube that smells extra nice and therefore enriches the experience.”
Touch their P-spot, G-spot, testicles, and nipples
Once you’ve gotten the hang of giving a handjob, you can use one hand to touch their penis and your other hand to stimulate other parts of their anatomy. Nipple play, prostate massage, fingering their front hole, and rolling your partner’s testicles in your hand can all add a new level of pleasure — and maybe even give them that somewhat elusive full-body orgasm. Don’t forget to communicate before you try this though because not everyone will be on board.
“A really good hand job involves more than just the penis,” Roos says. “Use one hand for the wanking, and the other one for stimulating other erogenous zones. You can, for example, put a finger in [their] ass and massage against the prostate, something that can lead to extremely intense pleasure, or you can wet your fingers with lube and do circles on [their] nipples, or why not gently massage [their] balls?”
Try different hand techniques
Simple can be great, but once you’ve got the basics down pat, you can start to add in more complicated moves. Roos suggests focusing on the head of the penis. You can use one hand to stroke their penis and while you cup your other hand and use your palm to swirl around the head.
“Most people do handjobs by going up and down, but the real pros know that switching it up by rotating around the glans with some great lube or saliva, or rotate around the whole cock at the same time as jerking up and down, takes his pleasure to a whole new level,” she says. “Also experiment with pressure, tempo and switch between using one and two hands, and between twirling the dick with your fingers and in your palm.”
Change your position
Trying new things can help keep your sex life interesting for long-term relationships or make things more pleasurable if you’re sleeping with someone new. Queen suggests switching up the angle you give the handjob from so that instead of sitting next to or in front of your partner while you stroke them, you have them lie against you.
“If your arms are long enough to reach around their body, have them recline back on you while you approach their pleasure parts at roughly the same angle they'd do it themselves,” she says.
Focus on the frenulum
The frenulum is often cited as the most sensitive and sexually responsive part of the penis, so it’s smart to give it some extra attention when you’re giving a hand job.
“On the back of the glans, you find the frenulum — a small V-shaped band of skin which attaches the foreskin to the head of the penis,” Roos says. “It’s known for being an extremely sensitive erogenous zone, meaning it’s very pleasurable to get stimulated, so I really recommend everyone wanting to take their hand job game to the next level to give this area some love.”
Roos recommends you start slowly and “build up the tension by teasing [them] and carefully increasing the stimulation.” Just remember not to be too rough or use too much pressure because the area is so sensitive, and check in early and often to make sure your partner is still having fun. “You can drag a wet finger back and forth, gently massage it, carefully press against the frenulum and do circles, rub it against your palm with some saliva, carefully scratch it with your nail, or why not throw a bullet vibrator into the bed and use its bullet-shaped tip directly on the frenulum with some lube,” she says.
Add in sex toys
Sex toys can add so much additional pleasure and bring novelty back into the bedroom. So mix things up and either incorporate sex toys you already have or use this as an excuse to try out new ones. You may think of handheld strokers as something you would only use solo, but you can also use one on your partner to give them a “hand job” where you are the one in control of the toy. There are also cock rings or other wearable sex toys that can increase the pleasure and keep things interesting.
“Get one of the kinds of sex toys that fits on your hand, like a ring vibrator or similar. Some of these in the ‘wearable’ category are like this, and many of the rest of them are cock rings,” Queen says.
What if direct sensation is too much for someone with a vulva?
Sometimes, direct stroking on a T-dick or clit can feel great for folks, but if the sensation is too much for your partner, there are other ways to give a hand job that provide less concentrated pressure.
If hand on clit/dick is too much, “use the whole palm of your hand over it — including the clit — to stroke and stimulate. Many enjoy that more than direct focus on the clit, which if it's sensitive, can feel like too much,” Queen says.
This isn’t to say this is a hard and fast rule for everyone with vulvas, as plenty of people enjoy direct stroking sensation on their T-dicks. This might just be a beginner friendly approach to get into the rhythm of hand jobs.
Pay attention to the foreskin
If your partner has foreskin, don’t neglect this area. There are ways you can stimulate it that can add to the whole experience.
“Use both hands, slow down, make sure you pay extra attention to the foreskin if the person you are with has one,” Queen says. “Lubricate fingers, move the foreskin up and down, if it's stretchy, lightly grasp it inside and out and move your hands around, giving it specific touch.”
But don’t forget that it’s an incredibly sensitive area, which means that while it can feel great to have it touched, if you are too rough, it can be uncomfortable or painful. “And to everyone with a penis in their hands: Some don't know that the place where the foreskin attaches (or was attached during circumcision) is one of the most sensitive places,” she says. “The head is more sensitive than the shaft, the ridge of the head is especially sensitive too.”
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