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Mark Simpson On the Insatiable Size-Queenery of Men

Mark Simpson On the Insatiable Size-Queenery of Men

Chris Hemsworth

Why does it (always) matter?

There was a great, quasi-orgasmic collective sigh of relief earlier this year when a major penis length study by the University of London was reported -- in huge headlines -- to have found that the average erect penis length for Caucasian and Middle Eastern men is just over 5 inches -- about an inch shorter than the previous widely-quoted 6-inch "ruler" figure.

And as we all know from online dating profiles, an inch is as good as a mile when it comes to the membrum virile.

But that sigh of relief probably emanated mostly not from men but from women. Women who have had to spend their lives reassuring men that, "No, your penis isn't small, darling -- in fact it's MUCH LARGER than many I've seen. Honest."

Now they could just send their boyfriend/partner/shag a link to the study instead.

Though the chances of it helping are perhaps slim. While some women may be size queens -- pretty much all men are, it seems. Insatiable size queens.

Gay and straight male porn have one BIG THING in common: in extreme, wide-angled lens close-up. Well, actually, whole football teams of BIG THINGS in common, forming a line while stroking with both hands.

Though the difference is that in straight porn of course the male size queenery is projected into the "slut." In straight porn, the female models play the total reverse of reassuring role of girlfriends and partners -- no "average" penises for them. Only ones that blot out the sun will do.

The University of London study reported a finding that 85% of women were satisfied with their partner's penis size, but only 55% of men were happy with the size of their penis. (It didn't have anything to say about how many men were happy with the size of their partner's penis.)

This statistical discrepancy is probably explained by most men who don't actually possess a big cock wishing they did, regardless of what their partner says. Though I freely admit/brag that I may be biased. But at least I have an entirely unscientific anecdote to conclusively prove my point.

A few years back I was in a straight nightclub in a rufty tufty garrison town in the north of England and needed to piss. At the urinal was a very drunk, very chatty twenty-something lad who was unusually tall -- I'm over 6-foot-1, and he towered three or 4 inches above me. He didn't seem to be very interested in pissing but chatting to the room instead (this is not such an unusual habit in the north of England).

As he blathered away at me about nothing in particular in a broad Liverpool accent, I smiled and nodded and tried to remember my 12-times table. Then a surprisingly small but very stocky bloke came in. He went to piss in one of the stalls behind us, without shutting the door. A mate of his who'd followed him into the men's but joined us at the trough pointed at his diminutive back in the stall behind and announced: "'E's only a little man, but 'e's got a MASSIVE COCK!"

At this the tall scouser's ears' pricked up. 'Ere, c'mon mate!' he shouted. "Show us yer MASSIVE COCK!"

The little big guy, clearly used to and bored with this request, ignored him.

The giant scouser started pleading. "Awww, c'mon mate, please! PLEASE show us your MASSIVE COCK!!"

I didn't know where to look now. So I looked down.

"Awww, it's just not fair," complained the scouser to me, giving up. "'E's only little and 'e's got a MASSIVE COCK, and I'm twice as fuckin' tall and I've only got a little un! I WANNA MASSIVE COCK!!"

"Well," I said, shaking my dick carefully, stuffing it back in my pants and winking at him, "You can't have everything can you, mate?"

Mark Simpson is the daddy of the metrosexual, retrosexual & spornosexual. Read more at

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