DWTS: Leaderboard Be Damned

Ok, I was very wrong. And completely underestimated the number of football fans calling in for Michael Irvin -- he was never even in jeopardy! Two other stars are also very happy about the save -- we've known that Aaron has a thing for Michael, but last night we learned that Kelly Osbourne is also his BFF. I did feel charmed by his willingness to dance paso doble with a nickel squeezed in his buttcheeks to maintain proper posture (and to be completely good-humored and matter-of-fact about it, without making any obvious or annoying anal jokes), but I haven't wanted to get attached because I assumed he'd be out soon; oh me of little faith, how could I forget that DWTS guarantees good drama?

Aaron Carter has been in the bottom rung twice now, and while one dose of humility was good for his dancing, two might very well break his delicate psyche and there will no doubt be the footage of him crying next week. Luckily, Michael will still be there in the hallways to comfort him. The show starts to feel a little somber at this point in the season, as the cast has bonded closely and it is painful to see one of their own get ousted, then forced to last dance to "Ain't That a Shame," while the camera pans over all of their grim faces. Well, everyone except Mya. Something changed recently and she now seems a bit bored and coasting, taking her place in the show for granted. We know she's good, we like good, but I found myself wishing she too would falter like Aaron, have her own humbling or stumbling moment and give herself something to overcome, rather than casually walking away with a trophy. Or perhaps it's just that next to the sunny radiance of Donny Osmond's humility and gratitude, everyone looks salty.

So instead we say goodbye to a different athlete, Natalie Coughlin, who suffered from not distinguishing herself from the other blonde, Joanna Krupa, and also the fact that in America, there is no prime time Monday Night Swimming.

-- A. RAYMOND JOHNSON

Previously > DWTS: The Nyquil Edition