How a friend's AIDS-related death changed the life of Nasty Pig's cofounder

David Lauterstein, founder and CEO of gay fashion brand Nasty Pig, is bringing his debut memoir, Sodomy Gods, to audio. Narrated by Lauterstein, the audiobook recounts his coming of age as a gay man in New York, his relationship with future husband and Nasty Pig cofounder Fred Kearney, and the experiences that would eventually shape the iconic queer brand.

In Chapter 25, excerpted here Lauterstein finds himself at a crossroads between a career opportunity that could take him away from New York and the life he is building with Fred. As he wrestles with that decision, he receives devastating news about Josh, the first HIV-positive gay man he had ever known.

The Sodomy Gods audiobook edition is now available on Spotify. Listen to Chapter 25, voiced by Lauterstein, and read the full excerpt ahead.

“We’re driving to Cherry Hill on Thursday to meet the team at HBN. They’re putting us up for the night in Philly, and then on Friday they have a realtor lined up to show us apartments. It’s me, you, and Carl. Just us.” Paul looked me up and down. “And wear something a little less urban to the meeting. These guys won’t take you seriously looking like that. I sold you on your street smarts, not your street style, so look like you’re about to be paid a $100,000 a year.” He looked me up and down again. “Not like you’re about to steal it.”

Paul did most of the pitching, laying out the business plan as Carl walked the team at HBN through the numbers. When they gave me the floor, I presented our strategy to deliver a line of products that would directly target the tastes of the audience they already had and handed out samples of denim jackets with The Beatles licensed artwork on the back, along with crew neck Rolling Stones sweatshirts and Pink Floyd Hoodies. But it wasn’t until I pitched the HBN execs on the chance to reach a whole new demographic — American teenagers — that we truly sealed the deal. They were so stuck on selling merchandise to adults, that they never saw the magnitude of the opportunity we were offering them: the opportunity to be cool and cash in along the way.

Recognizing that Sonic Assembly could make them twice as much money as they had originally thought, HBN made an offer to buy our company.

The experience of taking my skill set to the next level was thrilling. I loved everything about the idea of merging with HBN and bringing my talents to a bigger operation with unlimited potential. Paul shook on the deal before we left their offices, and after viewing a few incredible apartments the following day that were half the price of Fred’s place and three times as nice, it seemed the next stop on my journey was going to be the City of Brotherly Love: Philadelphia.

The three of us drove home triumphantly, and when we arrived in Manhattan I had Paul bring me to my studio instead of dropping me off at Fred’s place. My adrenaline was flying, and I needed to calm myself down before facing Fred. I needed to calm myself down period. The past 48 hours had been some of the most exciting in my life, and when I got excited, I was a lot. I was a lot even when I wasn’t excited, so I knew I had to get to my apartment, shut off all the lights, sit down on my couch, smoke a joint, and be still in the silence and the darkness and just think. Before I got out of the car, Paul asked me if I had one hundred percent made up my mind to move with the company. I told him I was close. I wanted to say yes very badly, but I needed to think through what leaving New York, the city that I loved, would actually feel like. I understood what the move would be affording me, but I really needed to consider what it would be costing me.

After a good 45 minutes of quiet in my studio with some equally good weed, I managed to clear my head of most of its racing thoughts, and I ordered Chinese food. I got out a pen and paper to organize the choice I was facing into a simple, digestible list of pros and cons. But before I got started, I picked up the phone to give Fred a call. I couldn’t leave him just waiting there to hear from me, but I had no idea what to say to him. I wanted more than anything to share my excitement with my boyfriend, but doing so would have the opposite effect on him. When he answered and asked me how everything went, I spoke in generalities, commenting on Paul’s incredible performance at the meeting, and describing a couple of the “cute” apartments I had seen. I kept the details, along with my enthusiasm, to a minimum. He asked me if I wanted to come sleep over, but I told him I had just ordered dinner, that I was really exhausted and didn’t want to get off the couch. I could hear the disappointment in his voice. Other than the nights I spent traveling for Sonic Assembly, I had slept at Fred’s apartment every night since about three weeks after we met.

He knew something was up. I knew that he knew. We said our goodbyes, almost cordially. It was the best we could muster in our shared avoidance of discussing a future we suddenly might not be sharing.

I assumed making my pros and cons list would gain me the last bit of clarity I needed to say with complete certainty that I was accepting the incredible opportunity being offered to me by Paul and HBN. Looking down at it, however, only caused me more confusion. The list of pros for taking the job was lengthy. I would be living in a sick apartment and driving a company car while I continued in the A&R role that I loved. I would have a serious career at a big company while gaining loads of experience for my future. I would be traveling more. I’d have an expense account. And most importantly of all, I’d be getting rich. The column for staying put, however, was very concise. It contained only three items: New York City, re:vision, and Fred. I drew a circle around them to emphasize their brevity to myself.

That should have closed the deal for me. I picked up the phone half a dozen times to call Paul with my yes, but not once could I bring my fingers to dial his number. I was mentally and physically paralyzed. Fortunately, my doorman buzzed to let me know my food had arrived and was on its way up. I put my list to the side, gorged my way through a huge meal, finishing it off with some cookies and ice cream. After smoking joint number two, I put on Golden Girls reruns and passed out.

I woke up the next morning and gave Fred a call. I could hear in his voice that he was still sleeping. He sounded groggy, like he had been up way too late, probably losing sleep over me. “Go back to bed, honey.” I said. “I’m going to the gym, and I’ll call you when I’m done.”

“I miss you,” he said in his half-awake voice.

“Not for long,” I reassured him. I hung up and felt sick to my stomach. It wasn’t due to the near-Roman-level gorging I had committed upon myself the night before. I felt sick over the decision I knew I had to make. Moving to Philadelphia meant getting everything I used to think I wanted in a man, only now I had the chance to get it for myself. I would be the upwardly-mobile one. I would bank the six-figure salary. I would have the career that was acceptable to my straight friends and family. But moving to Philadelphia meant I would have to give up on New York City and on my plans for re:vision. That sickness in my stomach was my gut telling me that if I moved to Philadelphia, even if I tried not to, I would be giving up on Fred as well.

I was a mess. I picked up the phone and called Jeff, praying he would answer and provide me with some clarity before I had to see Fred. I thought my prayers were answered when I heard him say “hello” in his sweet Texas accent.

“Hey Jeff. It’s David. Am I disturbing you?” I asked.

“Not at all, honey. What’s going on?” I proceeded to spill my guts to him, messy as they were, while attempting to keep my thoughts in order. I read him my pros and cons list, trying to provide him the necessary structure to play back my dilemma to the Gods and Goddesses. I hoped in turn they would channel back through him the true path I should follow. Once I got it all out, I waited patiently for him to divine me some answers. All I got was silence.

“You still there?” I asked him.

“Of course, honey. Where else would I go?”

“I don’t know. When you stopped talking to me, I thought maybe we got disconnected or you went into some sort of trance.”

Jeff burst out into laughter. “A trance? Who would have put me in a trance?”

“I don’t know. I thought maybe you had like closed your eyes and you were calling upon a deity to provide me with some insight.”

“Oh, honey. It doesn’t work like that. I wasn’t calling upon anyone or anything. I’m not Miss Cleo,” he chuckled. “I was just processing what you told me. Sounds like you’ve got a very big decision to make, a life-changing decision. When do you need to give your answer to your boss?”

“On Monday, ideally sooner.”

“Well from what I can gather, you probably already have the answer. Giving it sound, saying it out loud, that’s the hard part. Once you give it sound, you take the first step toward your destiny.”

“So, you really think I have the answer, Jeff?”

“Of course you do. You’re just not ready to speak it.”

“It doesn’t feel that way to me.”

“Well how do you feel, honey?”

“I feel like I should take the job. It’s the smart thing to do. It’s the right thing to do. It’s also the obvious thing to do. I feel like I was given this incredible opportunity with Sonic Assembly. I’m insanely lucky to be in this position right now. Passing this up would be ludicrous. I owe it to Paul and I owe it to my family and I owe it to my future to take it.”

“So why are we on this call, honey?”

“Because taking this job means leaving New York City. I know it will be the end of me and Fred. And I know it will be the end of re:vision. I really love those things.”

“I know you love New York and I know you love re:vision. I see what you are manifesting, honey. But I didn’t know you loved Fred. Have you told him yet?”

“I haven’t, because honestly, Jeff, I don’t know how I can be sure. He’s the very first guy I’ve ever dated and he’s amazing. He’s got the biggest heart and he’s so creative and inspiring. But he’s changing me, Jeff. He makes me question my priorities. When I’m with him, I feel like the goals I had for my future are slipping away, and they’re being replaced by his live-in-the-present outlook. And there are things about him that just seem off sometimes. They make me question whether I really know who he is in the first place. He can get so possessive, and he snaps over the smallest things. And when he smiles, it’s like he’s hiding something, Jeff. Honestly, sometimes I wonder if he’s crazy.”

“We’re all crazy in one way or another, honey. We all come with plenty of baggage, so I suggest you get used to that.”

“So you’re saying I'm wrong? Are you telling me I really do love him?”

“I’m not telling you anything of the sort, honey. You’ve got to figure out for yourself what you love and what you fear. My advice to you would be to forget the pros and cons. That’s just another way of saying good and bad or right and wrong. Look down both paths and ask yourself what energies are pushing you in what directions. What parts are fear? What parts are love? You’ll figure it out, because like I said, you've already made your decision.”

“I thought I was going to call you and you were going to tell me to follow my heart and stay here in New York.”

“You are such an adorable boy,” he said sweetly. Jeff calling me boy made everything I was feeling disappear in an instant.

“Thanks for listening, Jeff. I’ve got another call coming through. Will I see you at the Factory tomorrow morning?”

“Yes, you will. I’ll be there with my goggles on honey.”

“I love you, Jeff.” I hung up the phone with him and picked up the other line. “Hello?”

“Hey David, it’s Carl. I’m sorry to bother you on a Saturday but I have some bad news. You know my friend Josh, Paul's friend?”

“Yes, of course. He’s the tall blond guy who was at Paul’s last house party,” I replied, but it wasn’t his height or his coloring that left an impression on me. Josh was the first guy I knew that was positive. Carl had told me himself, and I never could get past it.

“He died this morning,” Carl explained.

“Holy shit what happened?” I asked ignorantly.

“David, he died of AIDS.”

My heart sank so hard I felt it plummet through my body. “But he was fine, Carl. Paul’s party wasn’t that long ago. How is that even possible? He didn’t look sick.”

“David, sometimes it happens quickly. I’ve seen friends change almost right before my eyes. They go from being strong and gorgeous and . . . they’re just so beautiful. Then the next time you see them, they’re just . . . they’re just not.” Carl began choking up. I probably would have too had I not been in such complete shock. Someone I knew had died from AIDS. Someone was gone. Josh was gone.

“I’m so sorry Carl. Is there anything I can do? Should I call Paul?”

“Thanks, but there’s nothing you can do. And don’t call Paul. I know that you were maybe going to give him an answer about Philly before Monday so that’s why I’m calling you. He’s a wreck and he needs some space. He’s on his way to Josh’s place right now to get there before his parents show up. Josh asked Paul to be his person to handle things when he passed.”

“What do you mean? The arrangements?” I was confused, heartbroken, Dumbfounded.

“No, David. Josh’s parents weren’t very good to him. They didn't approve of him being gay, and when they found out he was positive, they cut him off completely. But Josh did okay for himself, and they know he has some money. They’re on the way to take whatever they can find. Whatever they can steal. Josh gave Paul his instructions and a key to his place. He wants to make sure his belongings and his money go to Gods Love We Deliver.” Carl’s crying eased a bit.

“I can’t believe that Carl. No one’s parents would just go and steal their kid’s stuff like that. Their son just died for God’s sake.” My voice was trembling. “Doesn’t he have a will or something?”

“Doesn’t matter. This is what happens, David. It happens a lot. They’ll go to his apartment, take whatever they want and head back to Long Island. They won’t follow his will. They won’t go to the morgue to identity his body. They won’t attend his funeral. Josh stopped existing to them a while ago, so nothing’s fucking changed for them. It’s like their revenge.” Carl was sobbing again.

“I’m so sorry Carl. I really am. Thank you for giving me the heads-up about Paul. Send him my condolences, please.”

“I will, David. And listen, there’s something else I want to say to you. I’ve been telling myself I should keep my mouth shut but I just can’t. Not anymore. You need to take this job David. Life doesn’t give you that many big breaks. Most people don’t get any. But you got one when Paul hired you and now you’re lucky enough to get a second. I know you have your re:vision thing and you love it so keep it as a hobby or something. Do it in Philly, But please David, don’t pass this up because of Fred. I know he means a lot to you. He’s a really good guy. But something’s not adding up David. The possessive behavior you talk to me about, it’s not normal. It’s controlling. He doesn’t have your ambition and from what you’ve told me he just kind of lives paycheck to paycheck. And this thing where he won’t go to the doctor. He’s hiding something from you and I’m scared you’re gonna get your heart broken. Maybe something worse.”

There it was. Carl had given it sound. He might not have said it exactly, but that didn’t make a lick of difference. We both knew what he was saying.

“I’m sorry if this was harsh or out of line, but I wouldn’t be able to sleep with myself if I didn’t bring it up.”

“No, Carl, I really appreciate it. And before you even called I already knew what I had to do. I’m going with you guys to Philly. I’m taking the job."