Our apologies to fans of totally bonkers lawsuits, but the Russian man who sued Apple after claiming his iPhone made him gay is no longer moving forward with litigation.
According to the Agence France Presse, the man identified in briefs as D. Razumilov “no longer wants to continue with the case” after citing concerns about his privacy and safety. His attorney claimed that haters “found his information” and “Apple supporters began to write to him.”
The publication claims the plaintiff “decided not to go forward because he would have needed to attend forthcoming hearings.”
But to those of you out there who need some legal-based schadenfreude to brighten your day, you’ll always have the guy who sued Red Bull for false advertising because the energy drink didn’t literally give him wings. Can’t wait for the Ryan Murphy miniseries!
Tim Cook made him do it.
That’s the basis of a Russian iPhone user’s lawsuit against tech giant Apple, as he alleges the company’s products “drove [him] to homosexuality.” According to the Moscow Times, the plaintiff — who is identified solely as D. Razumilov in the lawsuit — claims he became “mired in same-sex relationships” after someone gave him “69 GayCoins” using an iPhone cryptocurrency app.
Here’s where things get steamy. His lawsuit claims the user sent the monetary gift with a message in English: “Don’t judge without trying.” Because Razumilov hadn’t tried, he realized he could not judge.
Ever since his iPhone made him gay, the plaintiff claims his life has “changed for the worse and will never be normal again.”
“I can say after the passage of two months that I’m mired in intimacy with a member of my own sex and can’t get out,” he wrote in the complaint. “I have a steady boyfriend and I don’t know how to explain it to my parents.”
If you’re failing to see the problem with stable companionship (humblebrag much?), it doesn’t get clearer from here. Razumilov says his life of same-sex domestic bliss has caused him “moral suffering and harm to [his] mental health” and blames Apple for “manipulatively pushing [him] toward homosexuality.”
The complainant is seeking one million rubles in damages, which is roughly equivalent to $15,300 in U.S. currency.
Apple has yet to respond to the suit, which was filed in Moscow’s Presnensky District Court on Wednesday. While Razumilov reportedly has a pre-trial interview scheduled for October 17, we have some better advice: Instead of going to court, write a letter to ¡Hola Papi!. This guy doesn’t need a judge; he needs a bruja.