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Out’s Top Bottoms Test the Five-Speed, Electric Douche

Out’s Top Bottoms Test the Five-Speed, Electric Douche

Out’s Top Bottoms Test Tom of Finland’s Electric Douche

“If my cup could, it was fully ready to runneth over.”

Earlier this year, Tom of Finland's electric douche went viral -- you're welcome -- as queers wondered if we had finally journeyed into the uncanny valley of sex. The motor-powered, five speed douche promised to make cleaning out easier, more fun, and more effective thanks to it's "no-backflow design." Alyssa Edwards voice: backflow?

But does the amazing electric douche deliver on its hype? To answer that question, Out's top bottoms put it to the test -- and don't worry, we each got our own, this isn't the sisterhood of the traveling enema. Although no shade if that's your thing!

Lazy Bottom

When the Tom of Finland package arrived at the Out office I immediately filled mine up and started charging -- I loved that it came with a USB charger. But I didn't get the chance to try it out until a few weeks later (thanks, dry spell!). Grindr trade secured, I stepped into the bathroom, spread my cheeks and started to insert the douche. But girl, the wand was huge, almost as wide as the tip of some plugs. I needed to lube up with coconut oil and a finger before I could get the blunt silicone head in and attempt to turn the douche on. And then...nothing.

No matter how many configurations I tapped the power button in, it refused to turn on -- the charge had apparently dissipated as the douche sat untested in my apartment. With the clock ticking, I brought the douche back to my bedroom and plugged it in, killing time by watching Tati's "BYE SISTER" for the fourth time. That's when I felt something wet hit me -- as it finally powered up, the electric douche (which, you'll recall, had just been up my ass) had turned on by itself and was now spraying my bedroom like the sprinklers on your parent's suburban lawn. I quickly shut it off and returned to the bathroom. But even with the power on, I felt like the electric douche was doing very little for me -- the jets are so weak I would call them...flaccid. With my window to clean out swiftly closing, I sadly gave up on the electric douche and filled up my trusty bulb enema instead. Classics are classics for a reason!

Low Maintenance Bottom

I used to never be picky about douches until I found this lil guy. Now, my rectum feels like a Disney Princess. Previously, I'd invested in the bottom shelf reusable douche bulb that you find in the first Amazon search result. The reason that douche had always bothered me, but I couldn't quite name why, was because it was stabby. Very stabby. This douche's soft silicone nozzle was comfortable, and slipped into me with the effortlessness that Meryl Streep steps into all of her characters. The steady stream of the jets were much less off a pressure washer, and more quiet river, like a beautiful ASMR podcast.

Two complaints: With all the jet speeds, I do wish there was a slightly higher pressure than what's offered. The whole gig is that my walls are supposed to be cleaned, like TurboWax clean. And, I do feel like the whole process took much longer than with your average douche. If I need to prep in a pinch, I am not using this guy. But it's good to have for special occasions.

Frustrated Bottom

So listen, I wanted to take this for a test drive because I've heard that the normal amount of water we use for manual douching is unnecessary. Therefore, the idea of a steady stream was thoroughly appealing. So the way I used it, basically, was one inserts it and THEN turns it on, then enjoys the stream. Ok! Mission accomplished. So it's doing its job and I'm ready for it to stop, so I try and turn it off. Press and hold: Nothing. Oh no. Press and hold again: Still nothing. I'm reaching capacity. In a panic, I start pressing frantically, spinning around manically to see if I can look at the power button. And then, if my cup could, it was fully ready to runneth over. With no other option in sight, I panicked and gingerly extracted the device from my insides, only to have the five streams of water now spraying all over my tiny bathroom. To be honest, when all was said and done, my bathroom walls got cleaned better than my internal walls! I had to lay the douche in a sink until the engine eventually died out, and I promise I will never use it again. A travesty!

The consensus: The electric douche is definitely not for anyone looking to prep quickly, and the pressure of the jets is far too low. For some the wide silicone head is too large and unwieldy, but some may find it more comfortable than a narrow bulb enema nozzle. If you're looking to elevate you're douching to Sharper Image levels and you can take your time getting ready, the electric douche might be for you.

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