Throw your Lush gift cards away, girls. We're pleased to announce that the latest sweet-smelling obsession you need is the Ivanka Trump Bath Bomb Collection™. I know what you’re thinking: how does she have the time for this amidst being a White House senior adviser and mom, keeping up with her business, and looking the other way as the glass ceiling gets patched up?
Well, no matter how busy we get, we need to remember to take the time to self-care. Self-care is not just a trend, even though trend reports do state that there was a spike in Google searches for “self-care” that has steadily increased since November 2016 — huh! — but nevertheless, it’s imperative to take some time for yourself and Ivanka is here to help you do that. Ease yourself into your bath with her new collection of bath bombs, to keep you relaxed — and distracted! From your responsibilities, of course.
Sometimes after a long day of meeting with people back-to-back, taking care of my family and business, and dodging phone calls from the F.B.I., I need a little rest and relaxation! This bath bomb, infused with chamomile blooms and mind-calming essential oils, spreads over your bath like a fitted sheet made of clouds. Toss and turn no more! This bath bomb will have you dozing off in no time — no matter how bad the push notifications from the news get!
Watch your bath bloom! This light, floral-scented bath bomb, coupled with the perfume of neroli and a hint of lemon, will strip your mind of any worries and have you besieged with the urge to just conk out — don’t fight it! What are you waiting for?! Turn off your TV! Let your phone die! Hurl your iPad out the window! Smash your Apple Watch with a meat tenderizer! Just hop in, tosh this ball of sunshine in the tub, and let yourself delve deep into unconsciousness!
Kitchen Island Fantasy
This bath bomb is just a giant marble.
Dreaming of an island getaway? Why go to Hawaii when you can bring Hawaii to your bathtub?! Enjoy the intoxicating sweet fragrance of this iconic Hawaiian flower as the soft, velvety swirls of pink and yellow turn your tub into paradise. To achieve the full potency of this dose of tropic utopia, grab a copy of my book, Women Who Work, to read while you soak!
Stressed? Perpetually fatigued? Possible house arrest in your future? These are all great reasons to sink into the leisurely fizzing blend of bergamot, vetiver, topped with a gratuitous helping of lavender this bath bomb creates upon dropping it in your tub. When you (begrudgingly!) leave your warm and relaxing bath, you’ll be left with irresistibly smooth, delicately scented skin, and a refreshed approach on how to subtly conceal your knowledge of, and collaboration with, another country to destroy the one you currently live in with serenity.
There’s nothing wrong with indulging and/or distorting the truth in an effort to dilute the severity of a profoundly unstable presidency! State your relaxation needs by popping this exquisitely fragrant bath bomb in your tub and lie (see what I did there?! HA!) back and enjoy the dreamy aroma filling your space. Hot baths can leave your skin a little dry, but this particular bath bomb contains a hint of fair trade organic coconut oil — which works to shrink your pores AND your capacity for guilt!
Off-The-Grid Grape Hyacinth
This bath bomb goes great with the first bath you take in a country without an extradition treaty!
Greg Mania is a potty-mouthed New York City-based writer, comedian, and the recipient of numerous participation trophies. When he isn't working for The Huffington Post, Thought Catalog, Paper Magazine, and other outlets, he writes satirical columns for Out Magazine.