Dr. Ruth tells us to lay off the threesomes

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"Everyone say 'Orgasm! Orgasm! Orgasm!'" commanded the four-foot seven-inch, eighty-year-old grandmother of four. "Orgasm!" we yelled. "Okay, now the same, but say erection!" she intoned. "Erection!" we repeated, with some blushing giggles. A room with mostly straight people saying "erection" at the command of an octogenarian Jewess is something I'm consider myself downright lucky to have experienced.

Just in time for Valentine's day, famed sex psychologist Dr. Ruth Westheimer has a new book, Top Ten Secrets for Great Sex: How to Enjoy it, Share it, and Love it Each and Every Time. America's favorite miniature sexologist had small party in wine and bookstore Bottlerocket in NYC. It's like getting sex advice from a smiling benevolent nanny, which is amazing or frightful, depending on who you ask.

But Dr. Ruth also doled out some great pointers in her appropriately German accent. "Have a glass of wine, it will relax you. Like page 53 of my book: savor it, and smell it, but don't gulp it down. The same goes for sex!" She then asked us not to pick up anyone at the cocktail party, but to have an optimistic outlook if you're single, and to get out of the house.

"Kick boredom out of your life, or you'll never meet people. And if you don't have a partner, masturbate. We don't want you walking around frustrated all day!" she advised. I got the chance to ask her some questions of interest to our readers, specifically if there were any sex secrets for the queers. "We still don't know the reason for homosexuality, as much as we don't know the reason for heterosexuality," she began cheerfully. "But, everything I advise for straight relationships holds true for homosexual ones -- it's exactly the same!"

Happy, but not full satisfied I had to ask how she felt about bringing in a third party to a relationship to add some spice. Her response: "This is not a moral judgment, couples will do whatever they want and that's fine," she explained. "But, I tell you it will not work. Use a plastic inflatable doll, or whatever. But for most people, involving a third will cause some jealously or lack of attention and may bring an end to your relationship."

Oh Dr. Ruth. Not what I wanted to hear, but she has 40 years of experience, which includes working for several years at the Institute for Human identity. So I'll be sure to think about that the next time such an opportunity presents itself. All this from an adorable grandmother. What a world!

-- JOSEPH ALEXIOU

Previously > Barack and Michelle Obama do WHAT together?